The rain and the mud was a mixer that softened my feet in the cool and dark night ground.The blue and orange flower and the mud made my quiet foot step in the forest, no one knew where I was in the woods except for a creak which was loud. Six people I hunt, they never outrun me, they never will. Looking through the dark wood I can smell them, hear them and see them. They will never get away from me. They never will.
Through the dark forest I hunt. People call me the dark wolf, because I hunt through the night. The people camp in the forest will wish they never came out camping. I run through the forest, looking for them. Then I can see one of them, sitting in an old chair with a candle in his hand. The candle was about to burn out. So when the flames went out, I will tell you what happens next. Let’s say it was a mess.
I said to myself “one down five to go, by noon four were dead”. I need two more but I can't find them. They must have saw the mess I left behind, they would run from me, but they never got away from me. I run through the woods looking for those two. The rain was hitting hard on the ground and I love it. It adds something to hunt. But I can't say, because I don't know why I love the hunt. But on the hunt I go. I stop. I can see one of them, so you know what, I hope.
Looking for the last one, I see him run in an old house. So I walk to the house slowly. So I enjoyed the moment I had left. I kick the door down. I started hearing voices. I don't know what they are saying. They keep getting louder. I started to walk around looking for that one. Looking in the house. I asked myself “where is he?” Then I heard him behind me, I turned around. What I see is unbelievable.
There they stood. The five people I killed. They were standing there looking at me. But they look like a shadow. But something was wrong. They were not human. They were demons. The whole time they were demons. What is going on? Nothing was right .Who am I? Where am I yelled? The demons came closer to me and they started to rip me apart. Before they were done I jumped up and opened my eyes. I try to understand what was going on. Looking around I saw a bed. I said “that my bed”. It was a nightmare the whole time. But this is not my house. Where am I?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Doomrats! Welcome to YWS!
I would say that WaterSpout covered mostly everything I have to say. This was a very interesting piece, and it leaves many questions. I share some of the same questions as this character. Where is he (is it a he)? I enjoyed reading this, and you have a really good idea brewing here.
One thing that I would like to point out again is the tense shifts. It starts off as present tense in the beginning, which is fine, but then the rest of the story shifts between past and present. This can get kind of confusing. So, I'm guessing the first two paragraphs as the person is running through the woods is a flashback, maybe. I would say having everything in the present tense might add to the suspense since everything is happening in the moment. Or, the whole nightmare happens in the past tense. This is just something that really stood out to me and confused me.
Here's an example:
Just remember to be consistent. Either change the "enjoyed" to "enjoy" and the "started" to "start" or the other verbs to past tense.
Another thing I want to mention is that your sentences are sort of short and blunt. It's just a lot of action. They fall into a pattern where it's just subject and verb. I'll list some examples.
I would suggest: I asked myself, "Where is he?" Your statements are very straightforward. What do you mean by "I heard him behind me"? Did he hear footsteps or breathing? In general, I would suggest adding descriptions and some details if you want to continue with this piece.
This appears flat and somewhat two dimensional. Why was there something wrong? How could the guy know? How could the character tell that they weren't humans and were instead demons? Give some details!
I'm not sure if I have anything else to say, but I just noticed that the sentences were rather brief and very action-based. If those types of sentences are what you intended, then ignore me, but as a reader, it can get sort of monotonous. Also, I would recommend paying attention to the verb tenses and sticking to one. I liked reading this, and it definitely serves up an intriguing plot. This is mostly all just my feedback and my opinion, but you have a very captivating story here, especially for a high school project. It gives me Halloween vibes. I hope my criticism was helpful and didn't come off as harsh.
Cici
Your criticism is away welcome here don't worry i have thick skin, so thanks for list some examples with subject and verb i still problem with them. thanks point past and present still working them but i will look back at examples will need them.
No problem! I'm glad to help!
Ookay, Doomrats, this was a pretty dark story you wrote for high school. For what project did you write it for?
Oh, sorry, I'm supposed to review this. So, without further ado, I'll get started.
And also, welcome to YWS!
This was a little messy with the the, and and. I suggest removing some of them, but it is up to you.
One problem I had with this is what is going on. I don't really understand what he was doing, hunting people at night. Of course, that's just me, and besides, it's interesting, so I don't have much of a problem with it.
Add a comma. I know, I know, it seems like I'm nitpicking, but I had to get it out there. Hopefully it's not annoying or anything.
Okay, change saw to seen. Second thing, that last part seems a bit off. Maybe change the wording. And you keep repeating me too much.
Maybe you meant to add the?
You might want to change in to into.
Maybe you could change the comma to and.
Another thing I noticed is how you sometimes cut to present-tense words. The consistency of the tense is a bit off, but it's mostly past-tense.
"Where am I?" I yelled.
Overall, this is pretty unique compared to the other stories I see here. This has potential to be expanded, you know, for more information about the characters and what he does. But if you only posted this without any plans to, that is fine, after all, this is eight years ago/
And I think that is all I had to say. Hopefully you found this useful and in no way offensive.
With caution,
WaterSpout
Your review is away welcome, don't hold back this was eight year ago and i did some edit it before posting. just want so see how good my write eight year ago. thank you for pointing out comma i still have problem with them, seeing other seeing other thing you point i have problem with did'tn know i had.
You're welcome
oh before i forget it, the project was call autumn-mashup for English class we had to use words that she gave us but i don't remember the words. it was for fall
Oh, that make sense
I miss click just this ignore this comment