Published December 19, 2010
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
When I saw the title of this poem, I was a little under the impression that I was going to read about crickets...well in a literal sense; but then again, this is poetry. lol
I liked how humble everything is which actually a nice touch. I think you have great control over your words and this was a good reflection on the poem itself. Yes there is need for some punctuation but if you just read this and ignore the flaws, it's actually quite beautiful. Good job
Keep writing and good luck
Thank you for the comments everyone. I see now that punctuation really does tie it together a bit more. I do prefer to have neat and tidy work, so thank you again.
Oh my...this is really beautiful. I don't know what else to say. The imagery is nice, and it gives the whole poem a feeling of mystery and love.
My favorite line would have to be the last one -- it gives kind of an impact on the reader *CRUNCH* It's beautiful!
Nothing to change, except the punctuation (sorry, I'm a fanatic).
Thank you, it's beautiful!
I love the imagery too! Great flow, and rhyme really works wonders here. I think this might be even more amazing if set to song, although it's already beautiful as it is - perfect for reading before going to bed! Keep writing please
I really love the imagery and use of language in this poem. I'm not usually a big fan of rhyme schemes, but this was fantastic. The only things I added were some commas and periods to help the flow of the poem (I added them according to how I read it). Be proud! This is a great piece, keep writing.
Hi there! Welcome to YWS! I'm River, and I would be honored to be your first reviewer today!
You use fantastic, fanciful language in this poem. Also, your images are beautifully constructed. It's a sight for sore eyes, to be honest.
A couple of suggestions if you were looking to edit this poem - the first would be to add punctuation. Just adding periods and commas would make the piece look so much more complete. Your line breaks are fine the way that they are, but adding the necessary punctuation would help everything flow better as well.
My second suggestion has to do with word choices in this stanza:
One issue I have with this stanza is that you say "friends" twice, in seemingly contradictory ways ("we are friends" vs. "if we are friends."). Try replacing one with a synonym (i.e. companions) so that the stanza has more word variety. Also, the image in this stanza is not as clear as those in the others. Overall, the meaning of this stanza is a little vague; I think you could focus on pleading with your friend to stay, or with how your loyalty to one another won't die, but smashed together, it makes for a slightly ambiguous stanza, if that makes sense.
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this beautiful poem and I am looking forward to seeing more of your work on the forums! Happy writing, and PM me if you have any questions or anything!
-River