Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Realistic

12+

The Adventures of Atticus (Chapter 1)

by DogFruit


Introducing Atticus and Thoughts That Follow:

Β  Β  Β A series of events has for whatever reason brought you to this journal, at this specific time, for whatever reason, and you are now reading my words. These words are being written with a paper and a pen, and connected to that pen is an average amount of hands for one person. Those hands are connected to the arms, shoulders, head and its contents, which is owned by someone you will know as Atticus. Atticus (myself) is roughly ten pounds of age. He enjoys writing, thinking, reading, and the occasional drawing.



Why are you talking in the third person?

Fine, disembodied-voice-of-the-reader, I will revert back to the person in which I was meant to speak in. Anyways, back to what I was about to tell you before I was so rudely interrupted by your brain questions.



I have recently found myself at a crossroads. My days of formal education have ended, and I recently retired early because of injury. I spend my days doing crossword puzzles and busying myself with assorted carpentry projects. I miss the times where I always had a book to read, a place to go, and a job to do. I also have no spouse or children to share any of these activities with. I think I should rather like having one of those.



Perhaps someday some event in my life will happen and I would be compelled to travel, marry someone, and have a young one or two. Perhaps.

~π’œπ”±π”±π”¦π” π”²π”°

A Fine Day For A Walk

Β  Β  Β Today is a fine day for a walk, you know. "How do you tell it's a fine day for a walk?" I hear you ask -



I didn't ask anything.

Hush, you. It's a rhetorical device! Anyway, the steps for determining how fine a day is and whether or not it is fit for walking are as follows.

1. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your overall disposition, ten being "Better than ever! I feel like taking a lovely stroll." and one being "I am bedridden and have never felt worse."

2. If the prior step is greater than four, prepare for walk.

Now that you have determined that it is indeed, a fine day for a walk, you are ready to move on to preparing for said walk. I will discuss walk preparation along with walk activities in a future post.

Shouldn't you be on that walk about now?

Oh, heavens! You're right. I almost missed the opportunity for a lovely walk. I shall return to you with a play by play of the walk.

Fantastic. Through this medium I don't have the ability to depict gestures or body language, so just imagine me rolling my eyes.

I have returned from my walk! And what a glorious walk it was. I walked all the way to the book shop to purchase a fine novel, then on the way to the park, I saw three dogs - three! - and Mrs. Bentley was watering her lovely flowers, too. They were all sorts of pretty, and Mrs. Bentley takes great pride in them. When I got to the park, I found a lovely reading spot under a tree. I read for a while and then took a short nap on the soft grass.

And now I'm home. I should like to write a letter or call my sister and my brother-in-law. I haven't seen them in ages, and I have yet to meet their child, who should be about ten now. Usually when I come to visit, he is staying with a friend or with his grandparents on his father's side. Disembodied voice! Please type up a letter for me.

Why me? Do it yourself.

I can't write in italics.

Fine.

Dear Mr. And Mrs. Hobbes,

It's been so long, we must catch up. I would like to meet that lovely son of yours and I should enjoy being a part of his life. Perhaps he could stay at my house over the summer months, if you so choose. I hope the cat is doing well and that things are moving steadily at the homestead.

Much love,

~π’œπ”±π”±π”¦π” π”²π”°

From The Disembodied Voice

I've known I could take over entries for a while now, but I haven't needed to until now. I think that Atticus's state is a little too... tender to be writing right now, but this is important. Currently, he's curled up on his red "thinking couch" staring at the wall. He's been sitting there since the letter arrived.

Dear Mr. James Atticus

I regret to inform you that on the evening of the 25th of July, Mrs. Victoria Atticus Hobbes and Mr. Jonathan Hobbes perished in a fire that started in their home. According to Mrs. Hobbes's will, their son, James Hobbes, is to live with you until he is eighteen. James will be arriving on the 10th of August. Please prepare for his arrival.

My deepest condolences,

Jason Smith

He's simply destroyed. Something in him broke, I think. He hasn't left his couch since noontime yesterday. He was so chipper before, it's terrible to see him this way.

I had better go. He can explain his situation better than I can in a few days, when he's ready.

- voice


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 107
Reviews: 47

Donate
Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:49 am
Jyva wrote a review...



oooh boy. from a cursory glance i'm gonna guess you were inspired by lemony snicket. let's dive in.


>A series of events has for whatever reason brought you to this journal, at this specific time, for whatever reason, and you are now reading my words.

yeah, i'm gonna eat my left buttcheek if you've never read a series of unfortunate events. that said, this sentence is fairly wonky. read it out aloud. try to make it more, uh... to-the-point. eliminate the words that don't add any information or character.

"For whatever reason, circumstances have brought you to read my words at this time and place."

somethin like that.


>These words are being written with a paper and a pen, and connected to that pen is an average amount of hands for one person. Those hands are connected to the arms, shoulders, head and its contents, which is owned by someone you will know as Atticus.

you're trying to form an eccentric character here. that's good but i think you should be going about it a different way. yes, atticus, you have two hands. they're connected to your arms and shoulders and the rest of your body. no need to make a big deal out of it.

also, which are*




>Atticus (myself) is roughly ten pounds of age. He enjoys writing, thinking, reading, and the occasional drawing.

the heck does ten pounds of age mean?

avoid brackets wherever possible. just say "i am atticus".


>Anyways,

"anyways" doesn't fit with the posh-eccentric character you got here.



>I have recently found myself at a crossroads. My days of formal education have ended, and I recently retired early because of injury.

used "recently" twice in two sentences


>I miss the times where I always had a book to read, a place to go, and a job to do.

nice


>I also have no spouse or children to share any of these activities with. I think I should rather like having one of those.

"should" works fine here if you're trying to imply that he doesn't like having a spouse or kids, but perhaps you meant "would". if not, disregard.



Perhaps someday some event in my life will happen and I would be compelled to travel, marry someone, and have a young one or two. Perhaps.



>Today is a fine day for a walk, you know. "How do you tell it's a fine day for a walk?" I hear you ask -

I didn't ask anyth-

>I didn't ask anything.

yeah what he said


>Anyway, the steps for determining how fine a day is and whether or not it is fit for walking are as follows.
>bunch of steps

i think you should write the steps in the first person, like "first, i rate my overall disposition on a scale of one to ten. one being.... blah blah blah. makes more sense.

>I haven't seen them in ages,

doesn't fit with character




User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 560
Reviews: 21

Donate
Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:35 pm
WyvrynScribe wrote a review...



What a lovely piece! The style you use is amazing, and the plot is nice, doing well with the journal type style. Grammar is on point, though there are some things that feel a bit off too me, but what do I know. Into the review!

ten pounds of age

This is rather odd, as I have looked for any measurement of age using pounds, and all I have found is charts for healthy weight at certain ages. If there is an actually measurement, do tell me, as I'm very curious at the prospect.

early on because of injury

I think that the 'on' should be omitted, but I could be wrong.

That's essentially my specific grammar/sentence flow/description critique. However, in general, there is an overwhelming vagueness of the time period. You mention television and computers, yet you have the main way of communication as letters, something hardly used since the advent of telephones, however this may just be a case of Atticus's peculiarities. I love the character, yet there is some confusion on why he's taking part in this strange journal like situation and conversing with a disembodied voice.

There's things to be improved on, but I think overall that this is very good, only the slightest bit of polishing needed. I am looking forward to Atticus's other adventures!




DogFruit says...


Thank you very much! The "ten pounds of age" comment was intended to be a joke, but I can see how it may be improved through more context. I haven't gotten back to this draft in a while, and I think I intended the time period to be further back (like late 1800's early 1900's kind of thing) but I hadn't quite made this decision final until recently. It was originally going to be set in the 2000s-future, but I feel like that doesn't do Atticus and friends justice. Wow, that was a long rambling, but I hope you get the idea! Thanks again for your feedback : )




Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield