Where Elephants Go to Die

Let me start this off by saying you have written a beautiful poem. That being said, I don't think there's much I can pick out to make it sound any better than it already is. The idea of the poem is truly breathtaking, and the detail allows me to imagine the journey.

I have to agree with TheWorldIsMyLife, about the number of commas in the fourth line. I think it might actually sound nicer if you split it up.

Once again, great job, and keep writing. I'd like to read some of your other work.

Despite the grammatical errors, this is a very good poem. I love the first two lines because of the way they flow, especially when read aloud. However the second line "Were the earth is dry, the grass is died, and the melting sky is grey," could be "Where the Earth is dry, the grass has died (or grass is dyed, depending how you meant it) and the melting sky is grey," I was told to use a capital for Earth but I'm not sure whether it's that important.

I don't know whether I like all the commas in the fourth line. Maybe get rid of one or two. I love how the last line is the title and the poem creates great imagery. I love the words you've used but perhaps structure it slightly different. Read it aloud and see if you can find anything to improve. The length of the poem isn't a problem because you still painted a picture with your words and small poems seem more mysterious, in my opinion.

This poem has a great, unusual idea behind it and I can't wait to read more of your work.Keep writing

~The World

i really liked it. the imagry was great and the imagination was fantastic. it could have been put together a little better but it really is a great peice. i wish there was more to it cause i feel its a littel short. but other than that it really was fantastic. keep wrighting for sure.

Apart from the grammatical and structural mistakes other commenters have made I wouldnt change anything. This reminds me of the scene in "The Lion King" with the elephants graveyard actually. Did you maybe get your inspiration fom there?
All in all i think this is brilliant. Just fix the few mistakes pointed out and you'll be sweet.
Pollarbear

Maybe this is just because it's been my life-long dream to go to Africa...but I really enjoyed this. I loved the imagery so much.

However, some of the lines got a little confusing due to structure or grammar:

"Were the earth is dry, the grass is died, and the melting sky is grey" - "were" should be "where," and "grass is died" should be "grass has died." Also, you don't need a comma after the first line. A good check for comma use is to rewrite the lines as prose and see if you would use a comma. Like this: "We are going on a journey where the earth is dry..." See? No comma needed.

The third line is where things get a confusing. I think another "where" would work better than "for" in "for the jagged, spired stomach bars..." And there should really be a verb somewhere in the third or fourth line, considering the "at" at the beginning of the fourth line. I mean, we're getting an image of a place, a great image, but it's hard to follow because the sentence structure is off in a weird way.

The only other thing is, the second and third line have a definite rhythm and rhyme, which is lost in the rest of the poem. It's fine if you want to go with rhyme, and it's fine if you want to go with free verse, but you have to decide which. Otherwise it's jarring for the reader to go from following a rhythm to no discernible rhythm.

But again, I loved the imagery. I think this could be a great poem if you just do a little editing.

Keep up the good work!
~Blue

I really like the idea of this, and some of the lines are purely brilliant, but they're globbed in with other lines that have poor grammar, confusing structure, and too much punctuation. Clean this up, retain its unique rhythm, and you'll have a grade-A poem.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Were the earth is dry, the grass is died, and the melting sky is grey,(( maybe you can say where the gras HAS died, or where the grass is dead. Because where the grass is died doesn't make sense.))



I like it all together though there were a few parts I didn't fully understand.