Hello, Reader! This will be my very first story! The idea just came to me randomly, it’s supposed to be based on one of my past duels. I honestly don’t know how this will turn out judging by the fact that the writer is a twelve year-old, (I didn’t say that) but you make mistakes and you learn, ain’t that part of writing? Anyways, I just hope you have a good time reading this, Enjoy!!
YANG CAPITAL: TRAITER’S PASS
The air smelled damp and fresh, my feet ached from running, I was just about tripping over every single small rock and twig that came in my way, yet I wasn’t going to stop until this bandit was killed. My pace lightly slowed as I got closer and closer to the location my tip said he would be in, and the moonlight filtered through the whispering cherry blossoms as I stopped completely and crouched quietly just behind a small bamboo patch. Stay alert; he could be hiding anywhere, I reminded myself for the fourth time in a row, staying completely silent as I stood still and simply waited for the bandit to show himself.
“Pfft, quit giving me dumb advice and keep your eyes peeled; she could be anywhere,” my blood ran cold as a deep, snarky voice cut straight through the peaceful sounds of midnight birds and trickling streams. It’s him… I recognized his sly voice and dangerous demeanor, just as any enemy would.
I shuffled my feet with the lightest of movements and wearily peeked just past the light and dark green stalks that covered most of my vision, and finally saw him: draped in dark red from head to toe with leather boots and his back facing towards me, was the leader of the WayWind bandits.
“Sir, with all do respect, why are you risking your life to fight this village girl?” I didn’t see it before but there was a slender man in red and gold, arms crossed firmly behind his back with a blank, slightly concerned expression as he questioned his superior wearily; likely his private guard.
“Oh.. this isn’t just some village girl causing a ruckus, no, this is a highly trained, highly annoying brat who keeps ruining our heists! Now please get me the matches before I stop trying to educate you and slice your throat in half!” My breath hitched and I almost, almost got up from my place in the undergrowth and finished him where he stood, yet I held myself together; this was greater than that. He’s gonna set the forest on fire! I worried as soon as he said the word “matches”. I shook my head and gave up trying to ease drop, backing up from their line of site and quickly dashing behind one of the huge, moss-covered boulders, crouched and adjusting my feet steadily so I could spring at moment’s notice.
My view of the two bandits was definitely worse than behind the bamboo, yet I was past creeping around and completely done with running and hiding; tonight, I will end this all together.
About fifteen minutes passed since I changed my viewing point and it has slowly become mysteriously silent, I was worried they’d just up and left, yet one part of me knew that he would never sacrifice a smidge of his nasty pride just to save his very own life; worries aside, he would be there.
Eventually, though, my curiosity got the best of me as I slowly, yet steadily crept out from behind the old rock. cautiously getting closer and closer to the silent clearing, I finally stood to my full height and was just about to lunge from out of the thick, dark undergrowth, just before my heart stopped. “You can just stop where you are, girl,” I froze in a dead silence as soon as the bandit ruler’s deep, greasy voice reached my ears. “I will allow you a few seconds to breath through a clean wind pipe before I fill it with your own blood,” his threat was dire and deafening, yet i lacked the dread normal people usually feel after something like that; simply knowing your own skill and capability’s reassuring me. “I feel like that should scare me more.”
I blankly retorted, slightly relaxing my stiff shoulders and confidently walking into the middle of the grass-swallowed clearing with a light smirk. I don’t even bother looking around the trees for the cunning thief, already locating his exact place as soon as I heard a small, frustrated growl come from behind me. “And I feel like I should have brought different clothes; your enemy’s blood stains easily when you’re angry,” his snarky voice gradually came closer to my back until he was just a few feet away. “Easy there, a fool’s duel is his last, and last I checked, I wasn’t the fool.” My tone came out just a little more angry than I prepared it to as both my hands slid smoothly to my sides, just hoping that the bandit would come closer. I kept my head down and listened for the slightest movements signaling that the WayWind ruler was about to spring.
I once again heard his angry growl and before I knew it, we were already battling. “Let’s see what my steel thinks of your annoying smirk!” He lunged at me, unsheathing a deadly-sharp katana with smooth, glinting edges and a rather unnecessary amount of jewels imbedded into its hilt. Just then, I ducked under the swift blow with ease and unsheathing my own blades, pulling out two, steel-forged kunai from my waist belt and whipping them straight in from of my chest to block another deadly blow coming from the skilled bandit.
“I’ll get payback on what you did to my village, dirty rat!” I cried, moving to the ruler’s left flank and eagerly scoring a shallow slash with my dark blade to his side with a quick movement of my outstretched arm. he responded with a sharp hiss and held the wound with his free hand and backpedaling a few feet, raising his katana and curling his lips into a sickening snarl. “I will end you for that, little brat!” He suddenly lunged towards me, completely forgetting about my slash and quickly getting a hand full of damp, soft dirt.
Before I could even prepare, he had already flung the wet gravel at me and charged forward, feinting an upward dive only to stop abruptly and move to counter me with his glinting blade. “Ack!” I grunted as the hard dirt covered my tunic and hair just after I twisted my narrow body around and avoided getting it in my eyes. Just then, I felt a sharp, hot pain on my right arm as the bandit’s blow scored some crimson. I shrieked and stepped back as he winced at his own wound.
Oh, it’s on… I examined my light wound and made eye contact with my lethal opponent. “You’ll regret that,” with a swift dash and angry battle cry, I closed the gap between us with lightning-quick speed and ducked under another blow, sliding right under him and deeply jabbing one of my sharp whistling kunai right into his shoulder blade with a nasty squelch before he could even react. “Ughh!” The bandit let out a shrieking roar and fell to the rough ground, holding onto his left arm that still had my deadly kunai imbedded into it. “Y-you sickening piece of tr-trash!” He cried, moaning as the deep wound bled all over his gold and red clothing.
“I said you’d regret that,” my voice sounded slightly tired yet masked in anger as I retorted through my teeth.
Walking up to the snarling ruler, I swiftly kicked the lethal katana out of his blood-stained grip and bent down so I could meet his furious gaze. “This was rather short and surprisingly easy, but I’m going to have to end this,” a painful scowl crossed his face as he glared at me and looked down, cursing under his breath. “Just do it! My empire will fall, your stupid village will lose balance once more, and my spirit will curse your name for generations!” He yelled through bloody lips, making sickening gurgle sounds as the bandit’s lungs filled with his own blood. I shook my head disappointedly and stood back up, staring at his pitiful face with a slightly, slightly sad glint in my eyes. “This is for Yang Capital, this is for my village, this is for all those innocent lives you took just to gain a bit more power!” I tightened the firm grip I had on my kunai, the hilt feeling cold and almost sad as I flicked my wrist with a great movement and threw my razor-sharp kunai so fast, it was the equivalent to a speeding bullet.
Shing, my blade impaled the middle of his bloody throat so deep that you could only see the hilt disgustingly poke out. “Aghck!” The man made his last, bloody, loud crying sound as the impact finished him almost immediately. I winced at the final gurgling sounds that followed as the WayWind leader’s light very slowly left his eyes. Stepping back and trying to understand why it was so easy, I sheathed my remaining kunai and shook my head once more with an disappointed sigh. “You were cruel and arrogant, yet may the spirits guide your soul to into an endless sleep and may my people rest in their final peace.” I looked around the clearing and noticed that it was steadily filling with light orange rays as the sun rose over the distant, snowy mountains, almost congratulating me. This should… feel better, my Conscience cursed me, yet deep down I knew that he deserved it.
I took one last glance at his cold, dead body and then looked to the illuminated dirt path that led back into my home village, and instantly knew where I would go next. Wherever that may be.
Hello again! Odd story, right? Idk it was supposed to just be a short one but then my ADHD got the best of me and… now it’s this :P xd I still hope it was good tho. This post took about two days to write (makes sense judging on the fact that it’s not the best out there) and I really just made it up as I went :) i still really enjoyed writing it nonetheless. Anyways, I don’t exactly know about any future updates so don’t expect anything soon!
Yours Truly- Docksidexd
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Ok that was a lottt to process but as 12 yr old reading a 12 yr old's work... im oddly satisfied.
Great starting. You managed to grab the reader's attention by giving the vital description to the setting, which was necessary for the immense imagery you have used throughout the story.
The pacing of the fight was energetic, and you used sensory details (the smell of damp air, the "squelch" of the blade) effectively to ground the reader in the scene. Your use of body language to show the bandit’s annoyance and "sickening snarl" works well to make him unlikable.
Yet it was the ending last two paragraphs (ig??) that was truly indeed a chef's kiss. This drastic change, a vagary in the protagonist's conscience.
The sudden realization and tinge of guilt was.... i js love it.
It goes from the main character fulfilling her vehement desire for her village and innocent people, the leader's death being a death for the sake of others to this deep heavy feeling.... leaving behind an empty abyss in the character.
Either I'm in a good mood or I'm really impressed by this piece (It's up to you to decide) because I dont have an issue other than the "sometimes the adjective is not required" mentioned by other reviewers.
So… I’m confused. Is it “not yet ready” or not? Because in one of the comments you said that it is ready but that you can no longer change the title… and I told you that you can and you have not yet done so. Which kinda makes me think that maybe it isn’t ready after all? =D
In any case, your story intrigued me so I put it on my reading list and here I am!
Hmmm it sounds like the narrator is operating alone, so why not use the more active phrasing: “until I killed this bandit”?
Forgive me for copying something from a different review, but I also think you should really look into how to format dialogue correctly :3 I strongly advise you take a look at this grammar guide under the section for dialogue: https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/ ... ne-Grammar (this one taught me how to do it correctly and I’ll be eternally grateful!) or if you want to stay on YWS, here’s the topic Punctuation within Dialogue It’ll take a while but if you set your mind to it, you’ll start to automatically do this correctly without having to think about it anymore!
I also feel like you kinda have an over-reliance on adverbs and verbs. Like do we really need wearily here? “and wearily peeked just past the light and dark green stalks” Just a thought :3
Hmmm it sounds like the leader of the bandit has been thwarted several times by our narrator so far! Guess she never really got the right opportunity to kill him before but maybe at least stopped his evil plans?
Ohh that is a gruesome and effective threat! “I will allow you a few seconds to breath through a clean wind pipe before I fill it with your own blood“
It’s a lot harder to track who is saying what if all their dialogue is in the same paragraph ^^ (There’s a section about paragraphing in the first link too!)
And that is a really interesting shift in expectations: “My empire will fall, your stupid village will lose balance once more, and my spirit will curse your name for generations!“
So killing him will not solve any of the issues the MC has? It also gives the entire encounter a slightly witchy, magical feel…
I do wonder what happened during their other encounters that the MC couldn’t kill the bandit then…
I also like this moment of realization that killing this guy didn’t lay any of the negative feelings inside the MC to rest ☹ Revenge doesn’t really solve anything after all. Tho I like it that the MC at least acknowledges that stopping the bandit will prevent further bad things from befalling other ppl!
From my reading, this story seems to follow a trained warrior (or ninja) as she tracks down bandits that have been stealing from her village. She then confronts them but it quickly escalates into a fight. In the end, the warrior kills the bandits, but has mixed feelings about what she did.
The opening scene really got me interested. The fight scene was well written, and I love the Japanese-ish setting you've used!
I would suggest shortening some of the sentences, but everything else was solid.
I really enjoyed this piece and can't wait to see more from you soon!
Hi there! I will be reviewing your work today :]

My review might be a bit rusty cuz I haven’t been here for so long.
I'm gonna review in my own style by pointing out my favourite stuff I came across as I read thru and giving you tiny pointers [tho there is hardly any to give lol]
First of all, this was insanely impressive to me.
I liked the intense, action-packed scenes, all the fight scenes [they were cinematic!]. This was a line I really liked: “I shuffled my feet with the lightest of movements and wearily peeked just past the light and dark green stalks that covered most of my vision, and finally saw him: draped in dark red from head to toe with leather boots and his back facing towards me, was the leader of the WayWind bandits.” I loveee the visual description.
The strong protagonist's voice is really well written [love the snark and determination in their voice]. So was the antagonist's. And the atmosphere was set admirably well with the cherry blossoms and the boulders. The establishing of stakes throughout the story was rlly favourable!
Overall, the emotional weight and sensory details? They were marvellous.
I just have a small suggestion for you:
The writing is rlly good, but if you cud shorten the sentences a bit and make 'em punchier that'd be great. I've noticed that some parts say how the protagonist feels, but I feel like some action there would've gone a long way.
Overall, this is really, really promising, with excellent world-building. The urgency throughout the tale kept me hooked.
Good job, keep writing!
your friendly neighbourhood pirate
Yo, I accidentally posted it without taking the “not yet ready!” Sign off of the title, so just ignore it! Xd
You can edit stories after publishing, even the title