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Sabaism

by DivergentDemigod


In a world where everything is so noisy,

[yet so intimidatingly silent]

I like to imagine us

together,

drifting alone and away

from a reality

that never actually was real

and I like to imagine

words passing between us

filling up the air with its sweet aroma and warm glow.

                

A hovering hurricane –that was my life

And you exude calm.

                     

I want to believe

that in that very moment-

when nothing and everything

happened all at ones-

when I didn’t speak anything &

you just looked at me

something clicked back into place,

because just then

happy felt like the perfect thing to be

and smiling not so wrong anymore.

                                  

You were the sparkly splendid star

in my seemingly sizeable sky and I followed Sabaism.

                            

And If it were on me,

I would knit a sweater

out of all the words that wobble

out of that slippery sober tongue of yours

wear it as a charm, as a token.

And in between moments

that always last longer than the last,

I like to hear the rhythmic beat of your heart beating

And trace with my fingers-

the shape of you smiling.

                    

Can you hear them too? On days that the noisier than the rest,

the melancholy melody of the magically musical aubades?


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1080 Reviews


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Mon Jun 05, 2017 5:39 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I can see how this poem is effective, but there's a lot that could use fleshing out. In the first stanza we see this setting up of an atmosphere where the speaker wants to pull this other person away from reality (I'm going to assume that this is a romantic interest or significant other to the speaker) and I believe that you could have been more metaphorical here. Bodies drifting away from reality into this expanse of space. That's what I think of when I read your lines, but that's not what you've written. I want more of an image implanted in my mind after this first stanza. A better hook to draw the reader in, because this seems a little standard.

A hovering hurricane –that was my life

And you exude calm.


You either need a period after 'life' or you need to decapitalize the 'and' in the second line. I prefer the former, but the rest of the poem here isn't capitalizing every line, so I don't see why the second line here would.

The third stanza continues the trend of the first stanza for me. There's a sense of blatancy in the way that you go about getting your message across. There's not a lot of imagery and instead, your words are what primarily do the talking. Experiment around with some more poetic devices instead of just telling us. Subtlety is a beautiful thing that you can use to your advantage when it comes to your theme. You don't have to be so outright about it for your reader to understand it.

You were the sparkly splendid star

in my seemingly sizeable sky and I followed Sabaism.


I dislike the way that you describe the star here, or to be frank, I'm not sure how I feel about both of these lines. The alliteration here with 'sparkly splendid star' is a little much and I'd suggest cutting down on the adjectives, instead focusing on strong nouns and verbs that can hold up on their own without an adjective or adverb placed near them. Mainly, I believe it's the phrasing that throws me off here. Perhaps a comma after 'sky' would help your case, but I believe that it'd be better if you just reworked these lines since 'and I followed Sabaism' just felt abrupt or to be more specific, the wording felt awkward.

I have to say that the fourth stanza and the final couplet that end us off are stronger than the other stanzas of the poem. Phrases such as rhythmic beat, sober tongue, and musical aubades help amount to this. At the same time, I found myself wanting the poem to connect more with the title, since we know that Sabaism is the worship of the stars, since this seems to focus more on the romantic interest of the speaker, though it's not like you don't bring it up, because you do. I just don't feel that it happened to be a central theme or idea of the poem. Not more than the romance aspects or this drifting off into nothingness and quiet.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Thanks :) I'm grateful for this :)



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Sun Jun 04, 2017 7:41 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, DivergentDemigod.

So I read this a few hours ago and enjoyed it, and I thought I might as well give it a review though I usually review prose. This made a lot of sense once I figured out what sabaism is. I suppose this is a romantic poem, and the narrator is comparing their lover to the stars. The narrator is hoping--and hoping--that really, they were together. This poem has a rather pensive feel that I like.

That being said, I feel as if the first stanza is weak. There isn't so much imagery or metaphor there, and in some places the flow trips me up. I'm also puzzled by the use of brackets; it was off-putting because that line was the only time I saw with brackets. I really like the thought in that bracket, but the brackets there threw me off.

that never actually was real


The phrasing of this line feels awkward to me and I suggest adjusting the adverbs there. I also think the transition to the next "I imagine" is off as well

Another line that didn't exactly fit, in my opinion is:

And you exude calm.


It feels abrupt after the preceding line (nice alliteration there, by the way), particularly it's very short compared to the previous.

The third stanza was written well and I feel like it's a great buildup to the fifth stanza. A nitpick:

happened all at ones


I assume "ones" is actually "once".

I wasn't fond of the two last lines of the third stanza though. The phrasing is not that strong and I suggest you experiment with different styles of saying, "Why, it's great to be happy!" or something like that (my interpretation).

For the fourth stanza, it really showed that the narrator's admiration and love. There was a ton of alliteration--in fact, I feel as if that stanza's trying too hard to incorporate the alliteration, thus making it clunky and intercepting the flow.

My favorite stanza is the fifth! I really liked the sweater imagery; it was unique and the "wear it as a charm" bit gives it a personal level. The second half (from "And in between moments") makes me think that the moments between them will stretch on and on till they finally break apart. The "trace with my fingers" makes me think of a constellation. I don't really have any critiques here.

The sixth stanza makes for a rather "whispered" conclusion. In the very last line, I kind of disliked the sheer amount of alliteration. Like I said above, I feel as if this line is trying too hard to have alliteration.

Overall, this made for an enjoyable read. The italics held some lovely asides to the poem, but perhaps it could have a stronger thread to the "main" stanzas of the poem to have a punchier resonance. I also wish there was more imagery in the previous stanzas as well.

I hope this review helped! Thanks for posting this, keep writing more poems! :D

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Thank you a lot :) this really helped... I have writers block and this is like the first poem I have written in months... So thanks for the crtique I really needed it :)




If it wasn't for poetry, I couldn't express myself.
— Rosendorn