Losing her : chapter 1

Hi!!
Thanks for requesting a review! This is a short simple piece, but I'm so curious as to what has happened to Kate. I am going to go through and pin point different grammar/plot errors, and then give you an overall opinion of this piece.

*The first line is divine!*

1st paragraph: Clary is a name of your friend, so it should always be capitalized. You use the word usual a lot in this paragraph. Make it seem usual to your readers. Make your characters have a conversation. I would have liked to seen this scene more played out before all hell broke loose. Like borrow a cigarette from a friend and they get annoyed because you do that every day, kind of thing. Does that make any sense? There's no need for ... after the word me, replace it with a comma and take out the comma after until. There should be a comma after scream, a period after think, no need for the word and, so the very last sentence should look like this, "If I'm being true, it smelled of blood too."

2nd paragraph: There should be a comma after lot. When using conjunctions (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) to combine two complete sentences a comma should always come before it. This sentence should look like this: "started calling out their names". There should be period after panicking, and the rest of that sentence should look like this "Clary", What could I do," Suze needs a capital S. There should be a comma after forth.

Plot Question: If you all had been standing around together, probably laughing, goofing off and talking, how had you not noticed them leaving? After reading this I realized it's just a dream, but still it seems a little unbelievable.

3rd paragraph: There should be a comma after came. All of a sudden is a short phrase which hollow definition and is overly used by everyone making it extremely unoriginal. Make action happen. "She was pale with.." There's no need to have the word and in that sentence, just keep describing the way she looks. There needs to be a comma after spring.

4th paragraph: There needs to be a comma after me, a comma after friend. Just say dead, not also dead. Why would no one else notice she was dead? How could you be the only one smelling her rotting flesh and seeing her for what she truly was? Where was everyone else and what was wrong with them? There's no need for ... There should be a comma after scream, and a semi-colon (;) after towards me, and a comma after us. There should also be a comma after five inches. When using numbers in writing try to spell them out unless it's an astronomically big number.

5th paragraph: This paragraph is one long run-on sentence, let's take a look: "She said it so softly that I wouldn’t have heard it if I was not standing so close to her. I was about to lose it(There should be a comma here) when she held me in an embrace. I really could not move(No comma, but a semi-colon) I wanted to pull away from her(There should be a comma here) but couldn’t(There should be a comma here) after all she was my best friend(There should be a semi-colon here, no comma) somehow I managed to put an arm around her(There should be a comma here) and she completely leaned on me(There should be a comma here) burying her face in the crook of my neck(There should be a comma here and no need for the word and) breathing deeply." There that should give your readers some time to breath with each sentence and phrase.

6th paragraph: No need for dots after hey unless you're stalling or actually hesitating. There are a lot of ... in your writing and sometimes it makes no sense to me as the reader why there would be a pause there and not a comma. How can she be talking so reassuring and calm like? I would have been so nervous and stuttering. Dint should be didn't. no need for another... after had. If she was dead, how was she breathing in the first place and why did it stop?

7th paragraph: There should be a comma after little. What is gore, and how can it be matted to your face? Gore is a description of a bloody mess on television, but I want you to actually describe what it looks like. There should be a semi-colon after gore. No dots needed after she. This should be "as tears" not "as a tears". There should be a semi-colon after eyes.

8th paragraph: There should be a comma after anyone. The last sentence should read I realized I was the one screaming.

No need for ooooOoooo

9th paragraph: How is her name panting and sweating? There should be a comma after friend, and remember to spell out your numbers. There should be no dots after same. There should be a comma after the words Katherine and Kate because you are addressing someone. The sentence starting with To believe and ending with through me is not a complete sentence, maybe try rewording it. You do not need any dots in this paragraph.

10th paragraph: There is no need to use all capitals in any sentences, just at the beginning of a sentence. There should be a comma after the words chanting, now-a-days, and eternity.

Whew! Did all of that make sense? If not please message me! Aside from the grammatical errors, this first chapter was surprisingly short and a tad confusing. i like the potential adn direction of this piece and can't wait to read more because I do what to know what happened to Kate, but all I know about your main character is that her best friend died and she's a tad emotional. I would like to know more about her surrounding and life in general at the end of the beginning chapter.

Thanks for reading this entirely too long review.
~Tiffany

Hi there. A late welcome to YWS!

I'll make this review quick.

I think what makes this chapter confusing is that it acts largely as a teaser instead of establishing anything solid. The first chapter is meant to be a hook, yes, if you want your reader to carry on reading, but it is also supposed to act as the foundation for the rest of your novel. The scene the novel starts outs with is largely shrouded in ambiguity and it was quite a jarring surprise for me to find out that the girl the narrator saw was her best friend--her /dead/ best friend. I think you could get this across more subtly and perhaps clarify a few things in the process? We mostly stay inside the narrator's head, which means that we don't get a good look at her surroundings; there's little to no description and the little amount of backstory we get is rushed.

One of the things that irks me is the pacing--it's entirely too fast and I felt like I was being spun in circles before landing badly on my bum. I lost track of the fact that it was a dream by the time I entered the third paragraph, and it doesn't help that the narrator has the tendency to repeat a lot of stuff (e.g.: the scent of blood is an image that is repeated twice, and repeating it a second time doesn't reinforce the image--it just makes it seem cheesy). There's a lot that I, as a reader, would like to know--some of the more solid details regarding the character. As it stands, right now I'm just very lost. So take away some of the ambiguity and deliver it to us straight. That's really the only actual thing this piece needs--solidness.

Another thing I didn't like is the fact that the novel begins with a dream--it's a very overdone method of beginning a piece, because it takes away from so much of the much-needed foundation in a first chapter. Be creative! Think of some other, just-as-exciting, new way to begin the piece~ And good luck!

On a more-technical note: Dialogue punctuation and ellipses. Here's an article on dialogue punctuation that's super helpful.

On ellipses: I always tell people not to overuse them, but I guess the statement would make more sense if I just climbed up a skyscraper and yelled at everyone to 'use them sparsely'! Ellipses ( ... ) are used to indicate a pause, or imply hesitance, or even to indicate an incomplete thought/a thought that is trailing off. You've used quite a lot of periods instead of the standard ellipse (it's three dots--no more; no less), and the simple rules are:

1] If an ellipse is used in the middle of a sentence, then you either leave a space on BOTH sides of the ellipse, or no spaces at all. Example as enspoilered below.

Hi!

Holy crap! You just slapped me with pure emotion. Like, I click on your story and then BAM, before I can even tell what's going on, a handful of emotions just collides against my face. Phew, that was hardcore.

I'll start with the plot. For a first chapter, I thought the whole dream idea for the introduction was witty, fresh. I mean, I know a bunch of authors do it, but it is so much better than the typical descriptions most of them also do. I absolutely love that I pictured myself in the position of Jess (I'll call her Jess 'cause I'm too lazy to write the full name... hehe) and that's something I look for when I read. Like, even if the main character is a forty-year-old with a psychopathic behavior, I WANT to be pulled into his body so that I can feel what I'm reading. And I did that with yours, so it's a thumbs up for me!

Now, since I'm also aware than grammatical reviews are necessary for all of us, I can give you some. You do separate dialogues, which I love, hahaha. And the only thing I'd really suggest is to go over for commas and I believe that'd be the only thing. Then again, you can just give a crap about punctuation. It's your story, and if you're happy with it, then by all means don't change it.

Anyway, that was really good, and I hope I see chapter 2 soon. Like, I didn't just read about a dead best friend's creepy ghost at 1a.m. for nothing! Congrats!