Young Writers Society

'Ello, it's Cello here for a review.
Over all, this poem was very nice. It has a solid base and a good tone to it, but I was hoping I could help out with some stylistic things.

It was autumn

and I a bunch of dried leaves

fallen from the very tree we used to call ours

love

forever & always

our names engraved on those trunks

permanently

unlike us.

Let's go through chunk by chunk.
When you use phrases like 'and I a...' (as you did in the second line here) it tends to follow another comparison. A simple example would be "You were an ocean, and I a boat". It starts with a larger metaphor and then brings the focus in on the speaker. Here though, while you do open with the introduction of a time/place, it's not a metaphor, so the second line feels a bit out of place. While it's not incorrect, it's not comfortable either. A simple wording change here would be wonderful. A few suggestions (though there are thousands of approaches) include "and I was nothing more than a bunch of dried leaves" or "and appeared as only a bunch of dried leaves." While we're on this line, I'd also like to stop and look at your choice in wording here. While 'bunch of dried leaves' it perfectly correct, it's a very simple approach. You're setting the image of autumn for the reader so it's good to lock down on autumn themed words and terms. "Pile of leaves" brings a picture to mind and is something that almost all readers and relate to, so I'd suggest switching that out.
Another thing I'd like to focus on for a moment- more picky now- is 'engraved on those trunks'. Again, it's correct, but with a simple change it could go a lot further. With poetry, it's important to try and put meaning and purpose behind each word, so I promise I'm not critiquing without purpose. When you say 'on' it feels very external while a word like 'into' feels deeper, if that makes sense. 'On' feels like you might have scratched the top layer of bark but using 'into' would emphasize the deep cuts of the carvings and their permanence (which is, seeing the next line, what you're aiming to do).

You burned what we had

simply,

your words like gasoline

setting fire.

With every syllable

rolling off your tongue

[the way my name did once]

these flames, like a forest fire - spread.

Overlapping.

Rising with the wind.

Effortlessly,

turning what we had to ashes,

grey

and black and brown

and red.

The 'simply' in the second line feels like a space filler. It doesn't add a ton to the meaning of things and the poem would be just as well off (if not better off) without it.
Towards the middle of this, the punctuation starts to interfere with the readability of the poem. I know that punctuation can be fun to play with in poetry but it's important to make sure it's adding to the poem and the readers interpretations. Periods can help with dramatic pauses, commas with intensifying lists and adjectives, and dashes with making things feel abrupt and distant. When I read this section of the poem, I had to go back a few times to get a hold on where to breathe, where to break up sentences, and where to connect and relate words. Now, while I might not be the gold standard for your audience, I'm sure that if I had this problem, a few other people did too. Fixing this should be pretty easy. I would suggest picking out periods and verse breaks and using them selectively to show when a phrase or sentence ends. This consistency would help to clear up some confusion. If you need some help with that, feel free to pm me or drop by my wall but otherwise I trust that you can handle it.

My dreams lay shattered,

broken beyond repair

[and I lay

too tired to sit,

too sore to speak,

my hands too numb too feel

Or my heart to beat.]



I still see you,

in the sun,

blazing.

Your smile,

burned to my memory

to my heart.

Here you have a section, sectioned off with brackets, that is just begging for one more line of repetition. "too tired to sit, too sore to speak, too numb to feel" The specification of hands isn't even needed. Not only does this help with the flow of the poem but the idea of over all numbness forces more physical feeling onto the reader.

Over all, one thing you could improve on is your use of sensory. Try to incorporate scent, hearing, taste, and more (physical) feeling into your language. Humans live off of their senses so it's important to try and engage those as much as possible. While sight tends to come easy, the other four are usually brushed under the rug.

I enjoyed this poem and I'm excited to see more writing from you!
Keep up the great work!
-ChocolateCello