Published March 27, 2013
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I feel like you should have retained consistent with your "there aint nothing to be done" lines in some of the paragraphs.
Also you repeat the word apathy quite soon. I am a very conservative poet when it comes to words and think that words should not be repeated so often. It takes away the impact.
I really like the rhythm of the first two stanzas. It has a nice beat to it and I feel like they each finish it a substantial cadence.
When you said "I apologise in advance", I was expecting this to be terrible, but it's actually not that bad. I like the repetition in the first and last paragraphs. It gets you to the point. It's good how even though it seems to be about one thing, it could have a million meanings. The way you use "we" over and over is good, but a little bit of variation would be good. It's a great poem, but some different techniques would make it a million times better. Maybe rhyming? I get that you wrote it quickly, and taking that into consideration I reckon that it's a good draft but it could use a bit of alteration. Good job!
I liked this poem. It feels like you're talking about the Messiah but it could be anyone I guess.
The structure of the poem is really rigid, and if that's what you intended then great. Personally the way you used "we" in every stanza was alright but too repetitive in my opinion. Some Variation would serve it well. Try using techniques in writing like alliteration, rhyme, or some other fun word use. It really adds that much more quality and fun to any piece of literature.
Overall it was a nice poem to read but it could use some work. I know you wrote this quickly, but that doesn't mean that it sucks, it just means that it was the rough draft, and rough drafts are never as good as the final.
Wrote this in 15 minutes for a flash poetry contest, so I apologize in advance.
Don't ever apologize for your works. Even if they're written in haste. Only apologize that you didn't have more time.