What can be done?

by DiskElemental

Published March 27, 2013

What can be done?
 
We watched them come.
We watched them win,
forsaking bravery for life.
“Kid there ain’t nothing to be done,” my father said.
 
We heard their words.
We believed their lies,
forsaking freedom for comfort.
“Is there anything to be done?” The people murmured.
 
We lived in apathy.
We lived in fear.
We longed for a savior.
A man appeared to answer our call.
 
We heard his words.
We believed in his Vision.
“Forsake apathy for passion!”
There’s finally something to be done.
 
We followed him.
We marched behind him.
We longed for security.
They appeared to answer his challenge.
 
We watched them beat him.
We watched them break him.
Forsaken by the ones he wished to save.
“Kids, there ain’t nothing to be done,” I said. 
Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Blackwood
Review
Blackwood wrote a review Review · Jul 28, 2013

I feel like you should have retained consistent with your "there aint nothing to be done" lines in some of the paragraphs.
Also you repeat the word apathy quite soon. I am a very conservative poet when it comes to words and think that words should not be repeated so often. It takes away the impact.

We watched them come.
We watched them win,
forsaking bravery for life.
“Kid there ain’t nothing to be done,” my father said.

We heard their words.
We believed their lies,
forsaking freedom for comfort.
“Is there anything to be done?” The people murmured.


I really like the rhythm of the first two stanzas. It has a nice beat to it and I feel like they each finish it a substantial cadence.

User avatar
MagmaLlama
Review
MagmaLlama wrote a review Review · Mar 27, 2013

When you said "I apologise in advance", I was expecting this to be terrible, but it's actually not that bad. I like the repetition in the first and last paragraphs. It gets you to the point. It's good how even though it seems to be about one thing, it could have a million meanings. The way you use "we" over and over is good, but a little bit of variation would be good. It's a great poem, but some different techniques would make it a million times better. Maybe rhyming? I get that you wrote it quickly, and taking that into consideration I reckon that it's a good draft but it could use a bit of alteration. Good job!

User avatar
VeniVidiVici
Review
VeniVidiVici wrote a review Review · Mar 27, 2013

User avatar
VeniVidiVici
Review
VeniVidiVici wrote a review Review · Mar 27, 2013

I liked this poem. It feels like you're talking about the Messiah but it could be anyone I guess.
The structure of the poem is really rigid, and if that's what you intended then great. Personally the way you used "we" in every stanza was alright but too repetitive in my opinion. Some Variation would serve it well. Try using techniques in writing like alliteration, rhyme, or some other fun word use. It really adds that much more quality and fun to any piece of literature.
Overall it was a nice poem to read but it could use some work. I know you wrote this quickly, but that doesn't mean that it sucks, it just means that it was the rough draft, and rough drafts are never as good as the final.

User avatar
DiskElemental
Comment
DiskElemental commented Comment · Mar 27, 2013

Wrote this in 15 minutes for a flash poetry contest, so I apologize in advance.

Don't ever apologize for your works. Even if they're written in haste. Only apologize that you didn't have more time.



You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling