Published January 2, 2009
Please Notice that this is my first story and this is the first time ive written a "real" story in english. but hope this isnt a waste of time...
Sacrifice
Chapter I
Carl left the tiny tavern we visit every day. Though he left with an unusual way, without a word. We had always before went home together. “Hey bro! where are you goin’?” I shouted after him as he began wobbling towards a dark alley. He wasn’t walking home that was for sure. Suddenly I heard a single gunshot. I started running as fast as my legs could. The bartender yelled after me for the bill. I ignored him and continued running. Then I saw Carl lying on the ground. Blood poured out from the wound on his chest. The wound was terrible but my eyes focused on a gun clinched in Carl’s right hand. I immediately knew it was a frame up. He didn’t shoot himself since he is left handed. I saw no-one suspicious nearby so I came to help my brother. I dialled 911 on my cell phone while I was cleansing the wound on Carl’s chest. I started shouting to the phone when it got answered “I need help quick! My brother has been shot!”
The emergency receptionist answered in a calm and comforting voice “Stay calm. Where are you and your brother right now?”
“In an alley in Stoneroad come quick please.”
She answered again calmly “Help is on the way. What was you name again?”
“Henry Crosston.” I said ignoring the fact that he hadn’t been asked my name before.
I suddenly dropped the phone when a shadow appeared in front of me. It concealed a suspicious looking man dressed in black. He stabbed me with a small dagger. My vision turned black.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was quite the start there, wow things really escalated quite fast in that moment. I think you did a pretty good there of really dragging us into this story with that one. I do think however that this paragraph might be a bit too big and it could do better if it was split in two. I think that might in fact help out with making this scene a bit more powerful too with that setup and then the sudden shock there getting a little more time to be jarring than it currently is. But still as it stands its a solid start.
Ooooh well that went in a direction I was definitely not expecting things to go. I love the sheer shock of that one, it does make for a lovely cliffhanger. This part I think is paced a lot better than that start was and I just love the way you are lulled into a slight sense of security with this call and the sense that things might have a chance of being good when just out of nowhere this person also ends up stabbed. It definitely has done more than enough here to make me want to read more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
somone know how to post writings because i want you all to read my six chapters of the book im writing. if you know message me. oh and good work
Thank you all for such outstanding reviews! I like the way you guys are honest and helpful
, Gryphon you had a very good point there but as you've propably seen this first chapter goes very fast but the following chapters will go a bit slower and will reveal things like what was carl more like like you asked, Sakura you also had a good point that how fast the area changes and such, but more of this story will reveal on the next upcoming chapters. Ill start slowing the speed of the story going and make it more sure for the reader to understand whats going.
Hello there! Welcome to YWS!
Whoa, talk about throwing us into the action immediately. It's a nice hook, but the problem is that we don't know anything about these characters, therefore we don't care all that much about them. They make great cannon fodder for the action scene, but we don't really care if they've died or not. It's heartless, but true.
The biggest one was Carl. We really didn't get to know him at all, then he's dead. Why did he go another way coming out of the pub? What would have made his brother think he wasn't suicidal, besides the gun being in the wrong hand? I mean, can't a guy use a different hand to shoot himself? What would make Henry so sure that Carl couldn't have killed himself? Was Carl a happy guy? Depressed? What was up with him before he left the pub?
Also, wasn't his brother right behind him when he was shot? Or had Carl already gone into the alley alone and leaving his bro to catch up? This isn't entirely clear, which made it confusing when it sounds like Henry had been right there, but had somehow not seen whether or not his brother shot himself. I mean, that kind of thing is hard to miss, and yet the only thing that convinces him his brother didn't shoot himself is the gun is in the wrong hand. So I guess Henry wasn't right behind Carl after all... Yeah, I'd make this a bit more clear.
Other than that, very nice. This was kinda short and everything happened really quickly. It certainly was action-filled, but you can also slow down and tell a little more story. Maybe describe some more. Sakura already talked about this, so I won't repeat much, but description really enlivens the story and draws the reader in.
Keep on writing and welcome to YWS once more! *throws confetti*
~GryphonFledgling
First off, welcome to YWS! Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself over in the community area? This thread is a little empty
But, mostly because it's such a short piece. I'll see what I can offer. I liked how you threw us in with the action from the off, but this does tally unto my concerns about the piece.
"every day" = "everyday". But I'd also like to draw your attention to the present tense--put it into past. Otherwise, you are stating that the end of the story involves both people living their ordinary lives as normal, if you understand what I mean.
This is a little awkward. Does one leave "with" an unusual way, or "in" and unusual way? Also, don't tell us that he left in an unusual way because by doing that, you are simply explaining that the main character sees it as strange, but why? These little moments help to define one's personality, and we get an idea as to what he defines normality and such.
The use of the pluperfect tense tells us that long before this moment, they would go home together. Other than rewording it as stated above, get rid of the "had", since it contradicts what you said before--it would not be abnormal if it has been happening for a while, no?
I've noticed that English isn't your first language, so I'll move more into the story. Regardless of the languages in which you write, the same rules apply, I'm afraid. My biggest issue with this was:
Pacing & Transitions
Carl leaves the bar, so you need to make it noteworthy that he has to leave too before he can shout after him. I'd also like the lengthened out by a substantial amount--show us that he's acting all awkwardly by him refusing a drink, or getting drunk as a newt.
As Haruno stated, this is a perfect example. I don't think the cell phone conversation is necessary and it outweighs everything else. You've got a few paragraphs for him wanting to get help, and understand his friend's emotions more than himself. Can't he feel the pain, or scream in agony? I also want to ask you what you might say if I told you that I don't like the use of first person. You see, it's also past, indicating that he survives the whole experience and coupled with the lack of descriptions, emotions, character development, the reader just doesn't care. They're not interested.
If you were stabbed, would the first thing that you notice, be the size of the dagger? And would you not see him come towards him? Would the main character, who's name we still do not know, run? These all make the reader think about who this person is. He might have a reason for not wanting to escape, since he might be frozen still, but we don't know that. We don't know anything about him (or her, for that matter).
Once again, what defines a character as suspicious? You don't need to explicitly state it either, since what you show us, the main viewpoint is thinking. Was he looking for anyone with a gun, or knife, or topcoat, or cape, or goblin outfit? And would his first instinct be search for someone "suspicious", or just hurry over? Be sure to touch up on your English grammar (it's already great, to be honest) so that when you proofread, you can eliminate getting pure nitpick feedback when you post.
Best of luck - I'd be happy to answer questions you might have,
Mark
No offense to the person above me but that sounded more like a spellcheck(not literally, you get my point) to me, if thats what you wanted great. On the the other hand I am not going to be able to give you a detailed literary review. What I can supply is a couple thoughts.
It seems intriguing but a little out of nowhere, generally you try to hook someone in the first chapter, when you try to do so in the first paragraph the reader feels a little lost, like they have just been thrown into the middle of something with no idea whats going on. Try to give a little more(paragraph or two) introduction. Who is the main character? Whats he like? Has his brother been in trouble before or in noticeable mental anguish of late?
And I would try to be a little more descriptive with most everything, but do get bogged down in the descriptions and lose the narrative either.
You're Amniel's brother! Lovely!
Onto the critique!
This is worded awkwardly. I would rewrite it as
"Before, we had always gone home together."
Take out "that was for sure". It sounds amateurish.
Comma after suddenly.
Is is in present tense. Change it to was.
Remove the hyphen.
Establish where your character is. First he's at a bar. Then wham, he's outside! I thought he was next to Carl because he was observing him.
Delete the second l in dialed.
Also, he's cleansing the wound? Did the first-aid materials just pop out of thing air?
This is two sentences. "In an alley in Stone Road! Come quickly, please!"
Also, your character seems remarkably calm. Have him freak out a bit.
Comma after calmly.
He hadn't been asked my name before? What does that mean? Erase it.
He gets stabbed and that's all you have to say?
This is a good time to bring in...
Description/Showing not Telling
Description makes the story, Diseased. It makes it come alive, it makes it interesting!
Right now your story is dry. It reads like a brief summary you'd write for school. It seems like an outline.
Don't just tell me what happens to a character. Show me with description.
Example:
He stabbed me.
Ech. What a boring sentence.
All of a sudden, a cold icy bolt shot through my body. I cried out in pain. My vision swam. My opponent laughed maniacaly and tore the dagger from my chest. A red flower of blood was blooming on my thin t-shirt...
Which was more interesting?
Other critique:
You just threw me into the plot with no backgroun information. Who are the characters? Where are they? What makes them special?
Read your brother's story and ask for his help or PM me anytime!
Hope this helped,
Sakura