Hey everyone. So, I just joined today and was a bit too shy to introduce myself in the welcome area [I know, weird right?] Anyway, I thought I'd introduce myself here instead. I'm a new writer, I've been writing for a few months now and I love the action genre, hence this story. I haven't got enough confidence as a writer yet so bear with my mistakes and please feel free to critique, I'd actually be worried if my work didn't have any mistakes in it. Okay, I think I'm talking too much 
Enough of me and finger's crossed you all like this. Peace.
Luke held the guns close to his chest, his heart-rate rapid and his breath slow and deep as he waited patiently for his next set of instructions. In the back of his mind he already knew exactly what he would be told to do next. Romano hadn't sent him all the way to Birmingham with two custom-made loaded handguns to just scare Keith off. No way. The old man wanted Keith dead and he wanted it done tonight. After months of misleading The Firm and feeding information to a rival drug cartel lead by the cunt Mr. Nicks, Keith was finally going to get what was coming to him. A bullet in his fucking head.
BZZT! BZZT!
Luke pulled out the cell phone from his jacket and picked up.
"You at the warehouse?" came a deep voice from the other end of the line.
"Yeah, boss," replied Luke.
"Keith there yet?"
"Walked in the building 'bout 15 minutes ago."
"Anyone with him?"
"Just a few of Mr. Nick’s boys to help load up."
"How many?"
"'bout 4."
"Think you can handle them?"
"Without breakin' a sweat, boss."
"Good. Get it done and I’ll see you back in London."
Luke hung up and pocketed the cell phone. With deep and steady breaths he pulled on his balaclava, charged up the guns and quietly headed inside the warehouse.
A slight smell of marijuana hit him playfully as he slowly made his way through the ground floor. Apart from a few chairs and coffee tables the place was completely empty. He wondered, just for a moment, whether he was being watched. It wouldn't be beyond an ass wipe like Mr. Nicks to have cameras operating around his drug-house.
Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, he decided to follow the smell with the idea that it may lead him to Keith. He found himself walking through the spacious entrance, sneakers squeaking on the shiny floor, into a narrow hallway with steps leading down to what appeared to be a brightly lit basement. Sure enough, as he began to descend the stairs, he could hear Keith’s voice over the all-too familiar humming noise of a high pressure sodium lamp and fan.
"Looking good, boys. Let’s bag the shit and load up, boss wants this all on the plane before the mornin'."
There came a few grunts of obedience followed by the sound of masking tape.
Leaning against the wall of the stairs with the gun still firmly in his hand, Luke reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small tear gas grenade. With a pop of the top he threw it down into the basement.
What happened next happened fast. Shots were fired, phone calls for reinforcements were made and Luke knew it would be only a matter of time before he would be more out-numbered than he already was. But as the adrenaline surged through his body and the smoke from the tear gas began to fade, Luke managed to take out all four of Keith’s beefy companions effortlessly. Each hit the concrete floor with a sickening thump.
"Well, well, well..." Luke smiled underneathe his balaclava, "if it ain't my old mate, Kieth!" He walked towards his victim while running his hand along what seemed to be never ending rows of marijuana plants. "You've got a fuckin' Eden in here, mate, I'll give you that!"
"Luke..." breathed Keith, plastering his back against the basement wall in fear.
"Before I shoot you in the head, I want you to tell me summin'...” said Luke, ignoring Keith’s whimpering as he approached closer. “Did you really think you could jus' betray The Firm an' walk away?"
Keith attempted to get to his feet but Luke delivered a strong kick to his chest sending him right back down to the ground.
"Luke, please...listen to me..." sobbed Keith, his face red with terror, “I didn't have a choice, mate...I had to..."
"Bullocks! We all have a choice an' you made the wrong one."
"They were gonna kill my family, Luke!" cried Kieth. "Nicks found out about Gemma an' the kid....said he'd kill 'em both if I didn't give him any valuable information..."
"Like the deal with the Chinese?"
"And the M-Mexicans," stuttered Keith.
Luke shook his head in disbelief. "You little f-"
"They were gonna kill my fuckin' family, Luke, don't you understand?" Keith yelled, tears running down his face. "My wife...my unborn kid..."
Luke stared at Keith blankly. For a moment he wondered what he would've done had he been in Keith’s position, but he soon realised that - unlike Keith, Luke had no loved one's left to lose, his dad was dead, his mum was in the hospital on her way to joining him and his elder brother...well...where to even fucking begin with him...
The sudden sound of cars pulling up outside the warehouse interrupted Luke’s thoughts. He didn't have much time left. He stood his guard, pointing the gun to Keith’s head and watched as his sobs grew louder, his eyes desperately begging for mercy. Luke had to admit a part of him felt for Keith, but another part of him knew that he had to die. It was the law of the street. It was the way things worked in this business. You betray, you pay, either with your life or with the lives of your loved ones. In this particular case, Luke thought it best to leave out the wife and unborn kid.
Without another seconds thought or a even a hint of regret, Luke pulled the trigger and with the blood of his latest victims splashed across his shirt, he walked away.
____________________________________________________
chapter 2: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic62053.html
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey DM, coco here!
Thanks for your email - can't wait for more of this story!
*Coco
Thanks Areida, I really appreciate it
Hi DirrtyMoney! No need to be shy; everyone here is ridiculously friendly. We don't bite (I'm pretty sure the only ones who do have had their shots anyway
).
I don't see a lot of action-adventure pieces on YWS, so this was a rare treat. You have a couple of minor issues with awkward phrasing, but I think that will resolve itself with a few more edits on your part. My biggest gripe with this piece is dialogue. You've got a good setup here for an solid story, as long as you don't fall into the my-life-so-hard-and-I-am-so-hardened-by-my-unfortunate-circumstances cliche'. Writing characters with accents is extremely difficult to do well, so it's great that you've taken on the challenge. I don't think you're quite there, however. This is a pretty good article on writing accents and dialects; I think it might help put you in the right direction. The key is not to be too over-the-top. You can suggest an accent to much greater effect than smacking your reader in the face with it.
So good luck in your revisions! I hope that some of my comments have helped.
Welcome to Young Writers! I just joined today and I am still getting in the swing of things. The way you wrote this story really but me in the senerio and made me visualize what was actually going on. Furthermore, the dialect of the characters was pretty good. I must admit, none of us can speak perfect proper english, so it is only natural that our characters don't. This was an interesting story, the kind that I would couriously pick up at the book store to read.
Welcome...*clicks like button*...This was very well done...I have to be honest though, although there were a few mistakes that everyone else has gladly pointed out, I'm a tad wee bit jealous...you just started you said...when i first started writing...well i just flat out sucked...But anyway the dialogue was brilliant...the plot was brilliant...overall rating...wait for iiiiiiiiiit!-amazing.
Ps...Keep writing Money Man!!!
Skittles
Hey there, DM! Thanks for posting in my thread
Let's see some nit-picks first.
I'd suggest you delete either "slow" or "deep", because now that you have both of them in, the sentence becomes long and jumbled.
I'm assuming "him" means Keith, not Luke. Please clarify this in the text.
Right, so, while I'm necessarily not a swear word supporter, you should still spell the curses out. Nothing is censored in literary works, as I'm sure you know. The only thing you can and should do to protect your readers' innocent eyes is to rate your works properly (R for this one, for the language) and if you want, you can mention it again in the author's note ("Rated R for swearing" etc.) Asterisks are a good thing for the community forums, but they don't belong in stories.
I love this sentence as a part of character info, haha. It tells us a lot about him: since he recognises it as the smell of marijuana, he must have had a past, and possibly also present, with it. And the fact that the smell is being "playful", adds a good touch. Very nice.
Fine description and everything, but pay attention to your wording. Right now, with the current phrasing, it doesn't sound very realistic: "'What's that noise?' 'Hmm, it sounds just like a high pressure sodium lamp and fan.'" Who says this? And what's more, can someone really tell by a vague sound that it's created by something like a high pressure sodium lamp? I'm pretty sure that's not the impression you wanted to create, but that's what I get with your phrasing. Try to think of another option that brings out what you wanted to say a bit better.
Funny way of saying "the number of enemies was increasing by the minute".
Your grammar is good, I didn't notice any major spelling or other errors. Good for you! If we don't count the fact that Luke's slang is slightly overdone at times, I think you did a pretty good job with the dialogue. What the characters say sounds believable, and that's not at all something to take for granted.
All in all, the story seems interesting, and I look forward to seeing you around!
Demeter
x
Hey there Moneybags!
Well I agree with the last person on the London thug part...it's a little overdone, but otherwise I thought it was pretty good. One more thing though, take out the *s in the curse words. You can rate it when you post it so no unwanted 13 year old comes and reads it, which is why I assume, you did that.
Also just a little suggestion-
I love this line, but I really don't think you should say "stench". When I see the word stench, I think of some putrid smell like a rotting corpse or something like that... So I'd just say "smell" instead.
I like it, good job and keep writing!
Hey there,
I'll be giving this a full critique when I'm less shattered, but for now you'll just have to make do with a few preliminary comments/questions:
1. Out of curiosity, if you sent this to a publisher, would you take out the asterisk in c*nt and f*ck? Did you just put that in there for the benefit of the readers online? Just because "fuck" is now an officially recognised word in the Oxford dictionary, so if you were submitting this to an actual publisher I'd advise taking out the asterisk and replacing it with the actual words
2. Your characterisation and general grammar is good but your dialogue needs work. At the moment it's all very "Oh yea yea boss I'm a thug from london with a speech impediment" -- slightly falsely gangster, if you will.
I've only read the first few paragraphs, however, so can't judge too fast. As I say, I will return with my batteries recharged.
Glad you enjoyed it, mate
Thanks for the review!
It was a lot of fun to read
you did a really good job of portraying that kind of desperate, street-life kind of attitude.
The only thing I was confused about is why a deadly assassin like Luke would be wearing sneakers to a gig like this. You’d think he would be equipped with some kind of ninja-gear sneakers that didn’t squeak xD
Just a suggestion, but if you were thinking about making this into a long story, I would rethink the names of your characters. Whenever anyone sees the name Luke they think of Star Wars (or maybe that’s just me) and the other characters didn’t really have very badass names either. It would probably help with the whole atmosphere of badassness if you gave them some more badass names.
Just a thought, though. Your story was great!
Thanks for the review, mate, I really appreciate it. Your first comment about the sentence, very true, I'll go back and edit that tomorrow. Regarding the cursing, the reason why I chose to censor the swear words was because I felt that it would put some people off reading the story and I wanted this piece to appeal to everyone, but I completely agree with you, I would've loved to use the actual words myself.
Man, I've got to say; for writing only a few months, this is pretty ace.
Your story is pretty interesting so far, and personally, I didn't mind your use of slang at all. (If anything, I think you should incorporate slang a little more, just so the times you do use it aren't so out of place.)
There were a few things in this I found sort of odd.
"Walked inside the building 'bout 15 minutes ago."
Since Luke's using improper sentences and saying "'bout", it might make his speech a little more natural if it was "in" instead of "inside".
Just little things like that can make your dialogue even better.
The only other thing I found disruptive when reading through, was how you censored out the curses. I'd say this might just be more of a personal preference than anything, (I'm more of an 'all or nothing' sort of person,) but the use of curses gives the piece an attitude, almost. Censoring them out seems to me is like putting a heavy blanket over speakers while listening to the radio.
But all that aside, I really liked this piece and I'm hoping to see some more good work from you.
This is unbelievably awesome! I was honestly hooked from the start, I haven't read anything like this here so it was incredibly exciting to read. Welcome to YWS and best of luck with this!
*Coco
Thanks, curious, I'm glad you liked it.
Hey DirtyMoney welcome to YWS and I enjoyed your story. What a great start to enter YWS world. I liked it, it was something new and deadly so I just had to gobble it up and I can't wait for the second course (I should tell you now that I enjoy comparing stories to eating food). I appreciate the work you put in to it, thank you for the read!
Thanks for the review. I knew the slang might be a bit annoying to some people but I'm hoping you can get used to it because I'm trying to reflect a particular lifestyle and attitude. I'm glad you found the story refreshing, that's always a good thing, I'm hoping others will appreciate it too. Oh and about the signature, if you thought that was true you should watch the movie because it's bloody brilliant!
Thanks again
DM.
This was really cool. The slang that Luke used put me off a bit, but mostly because I'm not really good at reading slang haha. Anyway, I'm no good at pointing out the little details, so overall it was pretty interesting. I haven't really read anything like this in a while. So it was a refreshing story. I also really love your signature btw. It's so true...