Young Writers Society

Hey Dilbert64! Here for a review on this fine day (I mean,,, I feel like that's pretty clear, but You Know)!

Thomas gazed out from the windscreen of his car.

For an opening line, I can't say this really attracts my attention? There's a character I don't know looking out a window of a car. This is a staple moment in everyday life (unless you don't have/use a car?).
Generally, you want a beginning that hooks your reader in immediately. Especially since this is a short story, and you don't have much time to tell it. So, regarding hooks, the best way to grab a reader's attention is by posing a question. When you do that, the reader has to keeping, well, reading to find out the answer. By the time you answer the question, you should've hooked your reader in by that point (if you haven't, well. That's another beast to tackle).

Without its gleaming stars, it appeared dead

I would actually reword this, since the stars aren't actually gone, they're just not visible. Perhaps "Without a view of the stars, hidden as they were behind the gloomy clouds, it appeared dead, an uncaring and empty expanse."? Or, however you would choose.
It is fun to run off with descriptions sometimes, but you do have to be careful in instances like this! (Or, at least, when you're reworking it, because nitpicky hogs like me will inevitably comment on silly little literal things like this )

casting a harsh glare upon him

While I really like how invasive this line feels (in terms of them "glaring" at Thomas), I also don't like it because they're "glaring" at him (confusing? I'm great at it). I think you could keep with the uneasy vibe of the sentence if you described them as "glaring from above", or otherwise seeming towering/menacing, without glaring specifically at Thomas (because streetlight typically move the way eyes would).

Thomas glanced back to his girlfriend in the back of the car, he thought back to the house, had he cleaned everything sufficiently? Surely he had, he was just being paranoid he told himself.

I'm not sure I understand this section? Why does looking at his girlfriend prompt thinking about whether he'd cleaned "the house" or not (kinda wondering if it isn't his own though, since you don't refer to it as such?)? Why would this make him paranoid?

Also, grammatically, this section isn't quite correct? "Thomas glanced back to his girlfriend in the back of the car. His thoughts strayed back to the house. Had he cleaned everything sufficiently? Surely he had. He was just being paranoid."
See how some of the sentences should have been separated? (I also changed things like "he thought" or "he told himself", because these are telling? I don't know if you have heard of telling vs. showing, but this would be an instance where it's telling. "He told himself" is unnecessary even if it wasn't telling, because it doesn't add anything to the sentence.

to halt their escape.

Starting to wonder if he's paranoid because it wasn't his house and if he like,, murdered someone or something.

He moaned with worry.

This is actually telling again! You don't have to pad this with "with worry". Just say he moaned! The reader can sum up why he's doing that (though, personally, I would changed it to groaned? doesn't really matter though).

His parents never understood her like he had, thought Thomas.

Once again, this is telling. And since I'm probably just confusing by repeating the same thing over and over, the "thought Thomas" is the telling part. I'm bringing it up because we're in Thomas perspective. This is his narration. You can put out the statement "His parents never understood her like he had", and the reader understands what you're saying. Alternatively, when a character is thinking, you can put those thoughts in italics. This is a universal sort of "rule" for writing like this. In either case, "he thought" is unnecessary, and you're trying to hold your reader by the hand even though they can figure it out (if you've written it well, which it seems you have, so that's not the issue here) on their own.

He remembered a all the nights

"He remembered all the nights"?


OKAY I was actually kind of hilariously wrong about why they were escaping. That's a much better reason lol (I mean, I do have to wonder how old they are? I kind of Assume they're like, early twenties, and hope they're not like.. seventeen or something).

NO! Thomas thought, stop this, they'll forget you as soon as you leave and nobody will ever find either of you.

I won't bring this up anymore, but I just want to gently remind you once more about telling. (Although, for different reason, this sentence kind of runs together oddly? I think it could be broken up to make more sense)

Every step sent spears of dead through him

On the other hand, this is marvellous showing!

would surely notice his skaky movements, the bags that rested beneath his eyes.

"Shaky". There should also be an "and" between "movements" and "the bags", and the comma should be removed (Similarly, the comma before that, in front of "the lady" should be a period)

he left the station shaking like a boy

Since I think you meant "shaky" in the last sentence, you want to avoid the repetition from "shaky" to "shaking", so one of them should be changed to avoid dulling your writing.


Okay, I LOVE how you write in Thomas' paranoia and fear, in all the details like the other drivers' glaring at him, the haunting figure of the trees, and seeing dark figures. It's beautiful and creepy and I adore how you've written it.

Thomas could see dark figures

Similarly to the last time I mentioned telling, we're in Thomas' perspective. I know I said I'd stop, but I wanted to bring it up because it's a little different, but same concept. We're in Thomas' perspective. Of course he's seeing them. "There were dark figures" would work better in this instance.

He had to ignore them they couldn't truly be there.

This should be two sentences. "He had to ignore them. They couldn't truly be there."


Also, you don't have to repeat Thomas' name so much? Again, we know who's perspective we're in, so using pronouns works just fine, and especially because there is no other "he/him" in the scene right now, the reader shouldn't think it's anyone but Thomas.

He recalled his and Charlotte's trip to Oxford

I would rephrase this as "He recalled the trip he took with Charlotte to Oxford."

He was so angry, he thought she had betrayed him.

Is he still angry? Because, otherwise, I would change this to "He'd been so angry, believing she'd betrayed him." ?

He saw her face pictured her smile in his head.

This should be "Her saw her face, and pictured her smile in his head" because it doesn't run dependently together.

The red thag

"that"?

Oop something is Not Right.

the sickly white shad that her face had turned.

"shade" (I think I'd have changed this to "that her face had become". "had turned" just doesn't... sound quite right here?)

'She's dead.'

It feels unnatural to me that he would say this aloud?? But I mean, he did just kill his GIRLFRIEND so idk man.

He couldn't only think of her.

I think this is supposed to be "could"?


OKAY WOW that was a twist I wasn't expecting tbh. Horrifying, I take back what I said about running away being a better option. I was RIGHT ABOUT THE MURDER THOUGH.

This is chilling on a very human level too? Like, he wanted to keep his girlfriend around, he was angry and betrayed and he panicked. I'm not justifying what he did at ALL because ew, but it's scary in the way that it is human.


Overall, A+ for the story! I loved it. Super creepy and haunting. In terms of structural stuff and so forth, there's some scattered grammatical errors, misspellings, and such, which are, for the most part, pretty easy fixes. I mention them, because you don't want them to be weighing down on such a well-written piece.


That's all I have for today! If you have any questions/comments about anything I said, please let me know! I'm always happy to discuss!

I hope you have a fantastic day, and Happy RevMo!

I must say, the unsettling ending was done rather well! I'm a huge fan of these types of short stories -- the types with twitsted and unnerving endings -- but I'm also rather picky on whether they've been done right or not, so I'm very happy when I find one that I love. I adore the way you referenced the note near the end: "Nobody was watching him. Nobody was coming. Not after the note he left."
I thought it was a marvellous way to tell the reader how the note was merely his alibi. Just before I got to this part, I was wondering whether the note even fit in with the twist of the story, but you managed to let that wonder linger just long enough before you introduced clarity. It was very well timed!

The gripes I have with the story would all lie in the first half. While the ending is very good, the set up could use some work. And that's a very common problem with these short stories, so it's not just you

Thomas glanced back to his girlfriend in the back of the car, he thought back to the house, had he cleaned everything sufficiently? Surely he had, he was just being paranoid he told himself.

Let's look at this sentence. I see what you're trying to do -- referencing him looking back at his girlfriend seems innocent enough at first, but takes on an entirely different meaning after the reader gets to the twist. That's great! However, the sentence reads incredibly clunky, don't you think? The way it's structured and punctuated makes it read extremely quickly, but Thomas' train of though here should be swift yet heavy. I can understand trying to hide the truth a little, but it could still help to turn the sentence into lots of little sentences, helping to bring out the paranoia. Here's a suggested fix:
Thomas glanced back to his girlfriend in the back of the car. He thought back to the house -- had he cleaned everything sufficiently? Surely he had. He was just being paranoid, he told himself.
Restructuring like this could help with numerous instances in the first half of the story. Read through it again and see where they'd help!

I would also suggest looking into tense. Proper tense control is really really important. In a story like this, where you jump from the present to past memories to the present again, it's easy to get confused, but it's really important to keep the tenses in your writing consistent! Re-read what you write, and see if it makes sense. If this isn't intuitive for you yet, the internet has plenty of guidelines!

Additionally, I'd also avoid throwing in flowery language for the sake of it. Things like "his mind cleared into clarity" are redundant. His mind was clear, we don't need further development of "into clarity". Sometimes less is more!

That being said, your writing is definitely good! A little revision into the first half of the story is all that's needed. You've already mastered twist endings, I'm sure you'll be able to build around it just as well