I went with Tommy to a restaurant when we where dating
the waitress asked me what I'll have
Tommy said I'll take it.
I smiled as he read my order to the waitress then he read his.
Tommy took everything, he took my heart, he took my virginity.
He took the team two the play offs, and Amanda to prom.
He took, his mom to his graduation , and his dad hunting.
Tommy took everything, he took his check of two hundred dollars,
every week from the shag shack where he worked selling coffee.
Tommy took his dog for a walk.
Tommy took his dog into the grass next door.
Tommy notice a girl he knew,
Tommy took the advantage of saying hello.
Then he took the dog back in the house,
and took a nap on the couch.
Tommy little sister creep downstairs,
her blanket in her left hand.
Tommy felt a light tap on his shoulder and woke up.
He seen his sister , standing next to him.
Tommy grabbed her blanket and throw it across the room.
She cried and pointed towards the kitchen, he lifted his body of the coach
and walked in the kitchen.
Tommy seen his parents.
Tommy seen blood.
Tommy walked out of the kitchen, and noticed something,
from the corner of his eyes, he looked in the mirror
he was covered in blood.
He looked down at his sister, so frail
Just a little child, so ignorant he thought.
As he walked up to her, she back towards the front door,
her eyes water , a spitting imagine of his mom.
Every step she took the floor board squeaked, there was nowhere to go
now trapped between Tommy and the front door.
Tommy stood there staring at her, his eyes filled with hatred yet peace,
finally peace.
Tommy motion his hands for his sister to come,
she lifted her hands up surprisingly, she smiled
dropping the phone.
Tommy eyes grew wide as he notice what just happen,
he rushed towards the door where his sister stood
and peered out the window.
There were two police cars.
Two men ran out each car.
One man ran up to the front door.
Tommy ran to get his gun from the top of the fire place.
The first police officer wrapped his arms around Tommy's sister,
and took her outside.
Tommy shot his gun and his sister screamed,
but she made it to safety.
Tommy hurried to try and close the door
behind the police officer,
but the two other her police officers rushed threw the door.
They held Tommy at gun point.
Tommy shot off two rounds hitting one officer in his hands,
as a reaction the other officer hit Tommy in his leg.
Tommy fell to the floor along with his gun.
Tommy raised his arms to retreat
the police officer took Tommy into custody.
Tommy ignored the neighboring eyes including mine.
Tommy only noticed his sister.
_________________
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi i think this poem sounded a little weired. (No offence)
you had some grammar mistakes but i won't go into them.
you ending sounded a little disappointing.
this should be made into a storu and put into the fiction section.
cool work
First and foremost i abore excessively long poetry. This is nion 3lines short of going into the fiction section. You expressed some wonderful ideas in this "poem" though.
I'm really rather impressed,
by how you have expressed,
your expreience to the reader.
hehehe
I hope you don't mind, but i have made some corrections to some of your grammatical errors.
Love
Kris
x
The beginning is great. It flows quite easily, a few spelling and grammar errors but nothing spell check can't fix.
but you never know. Running with this as a poem you have to fix the end, it ends so weirdly, just doesn't work for me sorry.
The whole ending ruins it a bit. Sorry to sound harsh but yeah, i think you should try to make a story from this. It could work
Great ideas behind it though. So believable
this was...um...interesting...you have a lot of gramatical errors that i won't go into. you would simply need to go back and you'd notice them.
the most reaccuring one was that you wrote shout...like i shouted at someone. when i think you meant shot...like tommy shot off two rounds.
the repetition of the name tommy got sort of annoying, but i think that just depends on the reader.
i realize that was the writing technique, however.
this flowed very nicely.
some of it was a bit scattered and hard to follow, but for the most part this was great.
just re-do the multiple typos in it and it'll be great!
-GC10