Published June 10, 2011
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,229 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Everyone,
Thank you for taking time to review this poem. As promised I will review something for you...but you have to tell me what you want reviewed. If you could post the link on my profile that would be helpful. Also, don't forget about the 'like' button...just saying
Dezzy
Hey you had the triple crown of poetry: A good rhyme scheme (and you followed it), good punctuation, and correct capitalization. And the poem itself was marvelous, it was amazing, absoluetely picture perfect. Keep Writing!
I love this so much! I can tell just by reading this that you are gonig to be a great daddy one day! I have absolutely nothing bad to say about this. You really touched my heart though, I could feel the love and hope and joy rolling off of this in waves. Bravo!! Definately keep writing!!
Hi Des
I loved it, brought tears to my eyes. You are going to be an amazing daddy one day.
Found nothing wrong with it at all!
<3 Jessa
heeey dezz!
I really like this write! I don't have any criticism for you so I'm gonna keep this short XD
Great job and I can't wait till the day that you and Jess will have a little girl and be all happy and all XD
-qaralynn-
Welcome.
I liked this, it was very solid. I won't go into details, cause man it is so damn late right now. But anyway, this was very consistent, and it had a good atmosphere, but it didn't really go out on any limbs, you know, it was just real solid.
There were a couple great images, the one at the beginning with the kid running, and the 3rd stanza was great.
The second couplet of the first stanza must change, "my life is never bland" comes off as kind of a "i give up" line, like you just dropped it cause you ccouldn't come up with anything,
I would change the whole thing, to:
....with flowers in your hair,
having you in my world,
is my only care.
Don't change it just for me, that's just what I would do, just the last line is weak.
A nice ending, the two second stanzas were definitely better than the first two, but overall, this was solid, and kind of a kodak moment-esque image of what it means to be a dad, I saw the whole thing real clear, and that is where this poem wins!
Sorry if I come off a bit blunt, but that is how I am, blunt, message me for anything, though you shouldn't cause I know nothing
don't let mean mr mustard review your poems, he is very mean indeed, JK.