Under a full moon on top of a steep cliff overlooking the small town of Selio sat a young women. Her hair was the color of bight orange sun rays, dipped in red molten lava. Her clothes seemed to be made of one piece of silky ash wrapped gently around her, held tight by a fiery belt of feathers. Her gold eyes darted the landscape below the cliff, sweeping from one house to another with a hopeful glare.
Behind her, out of the forest a young boy walked out. He shared the red orange hair and golden eyes. His ash grey clothing was tied with a belt made of fiery rope instead of a strand of feathers. his eyes flowed to the women sitting at the edge of the cliff, her feet dangerously dangling over the edge. Fearing of interfere with the silence he whispered into the wind.
"Dawn, has she come?" His eyes glittered with hope as he looks at the women.
Twisting her head sideways, Dawn shakes her head.
"No Flame, not yet."
"Will she ever come?" His voice prods with annoyance.
"Don't Fret young one she will be here soon."
"But it's a Red Moon soon. She has to be here by then."
"Flame she will," Whispers Dawn, her voice smooth as music.
"What if she doesn't come?" His eyes shine with fear and pain.
Glancing away Dawn snaps her fingers, making a little flicker of fire glow from their tips. Shaping the fire into a ball she tosses it from one hand to the other deep in thought, making the flame flicker and dance as it flew through the air.
After what seemed like an eternity Dawn blew the fire off her hand, instantly turning it into a speak of ash, which gently floated to the ground.Standing up, she turned and walked up to flame. Looking into his golden eyes she whispered
"If she does not come I will make her." Then putting her finger against his lips, to keep him from arguing she continued, "Ripple decided to come early. Just because she was early, does not mean that the next one will be late."
Sighing she changed the subject."This will be five years since Ripple came. Do you think she's ready?"
"I believe so." Flame answers, taking a step back.
Dawn turned her attention back to the small town, before continuing, "Then I will Quest her soon."
Slightly bowing his head Flame retreats into the forest, disappearing from view. Dawn releases a small sigh before fallowing Flame into the forest. Vanishing silently into the night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there, I'm here to review this prologue for you!
So, I will agree with the review below me about the language in here being a little weird. I'm not sure if this is on purpose or because English isn't your first language. I don't know but there are some parts where you also capitalize words that don't need capitalizing. For example, "Quest", "Red Moon". In addition to that, there are some places in here where you forgot to break your paragraph into another line. I think you just missed those so you could go back and double check on that.
As far as the story goes, it's a bit hard to understand right now because the language and also because there isn't much of an explanation to what this Red Moon thing is and why they're so scared of Flame not showing up. In order to build fear and anticipation, you have to give the readers a reason to feel that way so you'll have to tell us why this red moon is important and the consequences that will occur if Flame doesn't show up.
Overall, keep writing and let me know if you have any questions.
All the best,
-Pink
Ok… Here are some nitpicky remarks first:
“one piece of silky ash” – silky ash what? Cloth? Silk? Cotton? Or was she wearing ash, which I find kind of difficult to imagine being wrapped around her, or being in one piece for that matter.
“darted the landscape” – You are missing a preposition. I suppose you are trying to say: her eyes darted “across” or “over” the landscape.
“He shared the red orange hair and golden eyes.” – her red orange etc., or red orange she had etc. Otherwise it just sounds incomplete.
“his eyes flowed to” – I’m not sure about this since I haven’t really encountered it, but it just sounds rather odd to me. If you are certain a phrase like that exists or you have seen it in a book before fine, if not I suggest you look into it a bit more.
“Fearing of interfere” – I think you are trying to say something among the lines “fearing to interfere.”
“glittered with hope as he looks” – keep to the same type of tense in the same sentence. If you have decided on past use only past; on present use only present. Same goes for your narrative as a whole. You began in past and suddenly switched to present as the dialogue began. Think about it and decide which type of tense you wish to use and keep the whole thing in it.
“His voice prods with annoyance” – I suggest you think on your wording here. Especially the phrase “prods with annoyance.”
Also capitalization here and there is missing.
Overall the language… is a bit odd here and there… I like some parts of it and the imagery you are having is great, but you should really clear up your style and sentence structure. Perhaps read more books in English?
As a story it manages to establish the characters and settings. It is a bit short but for a prologue it seems perfect. It shows much promise and potential but you should really work more on it.