I must agree with Tenyo. I'm a person that likes both styles, but this one bugged me quite a lot. It's got no structure, it's just lines. Good lines of course, but without a form they just break the whole will to read it, you know.
You may keep the length of those verses, but I'd really recommend breaking it into a few stanzas for an order and gentle look. Though I'd say the rhythm there is not bad =)
Definitely keep writing, with practices comes results and I'm looking forward to seeing another poems from you. =)
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