Published May 10, 2010
Finding Answers to unanswered questions thoroughly quested to ignore,
Binding brightly resolutions, to be seen once again nevermore,
The cause of caged realizations limps gingerly to my door,
Once was answered then forgotten, at least since man four scored,
And what forseen will forsake all who criticize what it takes,
And to the preachers and the laymen, hurried buried by the scores,
Your false injunctions will not suffer, unless held upon my court,
Stolen wishes dreams deferred, kept in jars to be stored,
But do they deserve all said scorn,
I say it was unto them born,
Below a brazen balding moonshine,
In a field agape of corn,
Nurtured in the land seem-ed torn,
By darkened danken man of horn.
Trust we lay, on those who lay, in evil beds
Dreaming dreadful dreary dreads,
And the future we rest upon the heads
Of the youth, whether they want it or not.
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I must agree with Tenyo. I'm a person that likes both styles, but this one bugged me quite a lot. It's got no structure, it's just lines. Good lines of course, but without a form they just break the whole will to read it, you know.
You may keep the length of those verses, but I'd really recommend breaking it into a few stanzas for an order and gentle look. Though I'd say the rhythm there is not bad =)
Definitely keep writing, with practices comes results and I'm looking forward to seeing another poems from you. =)
Hey Devin
I must say this poem seems wonderfully intricate. You must always remember though that though some people like intricacy, others prefer simplicity, and so there are two ways criticism on this kind of poem can go.
The structure isn't working at all, I'd say. Poems are good with verses and stanzas, but this just seems to be a group of long lines until about half way down, when the cut in half. For a poem so well thought out it deserves a better structure.
Hope this helps.
-Ten