THE CALIGINOUS MIND
Dark necessities surround the mind like a shroud of dust
The feeling of unknown grows familiar with the known
The mind becomes a cloud of pleasing obsessions and beliefs
The calm before the storm: behold.
Light falls as the cloud of doubt surrounds my mind
and slowly it begins to eat away that feeling known
Reality becomes numb and consciousness withers away
The loss of oneself one must withhold.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your work.
Caliginous meaning dark and misty. It is the fear of the unknown and the darkness that creates such a feeling. The way you describe the dread in your lines was nicely done and gives off the crushing sense of doom and hopelessness. A world absent of light as it is taken away in such a nightmarish reality.
"Light falls as the cloud of doubt surrounds my mind
and slowly it begins to eat away that feeling known
Reality becomes numb and consciousness withers away
The loss of oneself one must withhold."
This is my favorite line. It displays the narrator failing sense of sanity as he/she is slowly consumed by his own inner demons. This defeatism is common within certain works of weird fiction like H.P. Lovecraft and Itou Junji where the protagonists are faced with something so horrific that they are incapable of comprehending what is before them and slowly become consumed by the madness that surround them.
This is a really good work. I hope you write more of this stuff.
Thank you so much for your positive feedback!! Means a lot
)
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about a person who seems in a state of utter confusion. I like the use of imagery. I like the artistic way that it is arranged on the page. I also like that picture above the poem-adds a lot of drama! This poem has clouds, dust, storm, falling light. So it definitely is not deficient in that area. The tempo is good. The length is OK as well. There are plenty of poems of similar length that are considered masterpieces.
I like the following lines:
Suggestions:
Adding a few specifics would make it easier for the reader to feel empathy.
Suggestion
Reducing word repetition would be nice.
The word “mind” occurs three times.
Surround = two times
known = two times
Cloud = two times
Another title is better. The title seems unnecessarily vague. Pompous actually. Frustrates the reader who must look it up only to discover that it is archaic and means dim, misty or simply dark.
necessities, feeling, obsessions, beliefs = too obscure
The loss of oneself one must withhold. = Word-order seems unnatural. Like Yoda in Star-wars.
The calm before the storm: Behold[!]
The phrase: “ . . . . calm before the storm . . . . ” is a cliché. Please find a more original way of saying this.
The feeling of unknown grows familiar with the known
[The feeling of unknown grows as familiar as the known[.]]
The mind is initally surrounded by a cloud of dust
The mind itself becomes a cloud?
Very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you!!! Will surely take account of your suggestions and hope to be better next time