Note: While this portion is a journal entry and consequently in first person, the remainder of the novel is going to be in third person, with more journal entries scattered throughout. Any strange formatting you see is (most likely) on purpose.
Aven Harlow
Journal 1
I was nine years old when the horses first came. Juniper was five. Looking back now, all I can think is, at least she was inside when it all happened the first time.
It's so hard to think about—six whole years since we began to really worry about what's going on out there, beyond the forest. The adults, they don't think the children hear the rumors, but we do. And from them we know that they are just as scared as us.
I'd like to think that we were happy before. Back when I was growing up in the village, not a care in the world, besides making sure there was food for all of us, of course. It wasn't as bad then, though, because father was there to take care of us. Now, I just feel like a fearful child, forced to become an adult in a world I hardly understand. Sometimes, I try to tell myself that I should feel proud, thinking of how much my family must trust me to take care of myself, and even them, sometimes. But mostly, I'm just scared. Because I know how bad things are getting. I hear the parents whispering, we all do.
The world is dying out there, they say. It's only a matter of time.
I don't even know why I'm writing this all down. I know Mama told me to remember the good times, try not to dwell on what might happen. What will happen.
I am trying to think now. Were we even happy then? Really, when I think about it, my mind is too clouded with the events of that one day. Just the horses coming—it's all I can remember. And how dark it was. They turned off the lights just like any other night, but somehow it seemed like the blackness would swallow me up, as I watched strong arms of the Soldiers reach down and take children. Just took them, and no one knows why.
I can't forget the screams. Still can't forget them, after all this time. They've returned many times, but that first night, that first night...I have dreams about them sometimes, those that were my age and younger, carried off into the darkness while I was hidden in one of the market stalls, Father in front of me for protection, until
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, skin slick with sweat, ears ringing with the terrified shrieks that haunt my memory. But I can't tell Mama. She can't find out about this. Anything but this.
I don't know if I can finish this. It is just so vivid in my mind right now I can't stand it—how Father and I were on our way home at dusk, and the near-silence turned into pounding of hooves and screams of villagers. The chaos that began when the midnight-black stallions came into view. How Father noticed Tannis's younger sister running from a Soldier, tried to run out and save her. You couldn’t even see their faces...were they human? We all thought so, but there was just something about them...we couldn't be sure.
But I just remember it all so clearly. So clearly that I can’t stand it. But I’m sure that my mind must have twisted the memory somehow, made it so much more scary than it should have been, because there’s no way the Soldier on the black stallion could have been so brutal to Father as he struck him down with a huge fist, no way that Father could have looked so broken as he fell and the horse reared back and
I just can’t think about it anymore.I am just...consumed with the idea that whoever, whatever is out there is falling apart, even as I write this, and we won’t be able to get help if we need it.
Or maybe they’ve already left us. Turned against us.
But no. I can’t think like that. If everyone thought like that, we never would have made it this far.
But, sometimes I can’t sleep at night, fearing that we won’t be able to make it much further. Any of us.
Hate it when I read the preceding reviews and there is little that I can add.
While you said most grammar errors were probably intentional, there was just one that I noticed, which perhaps wasn't intentional:
"I just can’t think about it anymore.I am just...consumed with the idea that whoever, whatever is out there is falling apart, even as I write this, and we won’t be able to get help if we need it." - just the fact that that first sentence should have a space where it ends.
Other than that minor point, there's little I can add here. The character seems scared to her bones about something, it reminds me very much of Lord of the Rings when Sarumon's forces raid the men's villages and you can see them running off in terror - that's very much the tone I get here. Except, of course, it's the perspective of a terrified child who doesn't seem to know what is happening around her, which makes it more dramatic and makes it more engaging for me. I fear for her, and wish her the best, but there's a part inside of me that makes me think she won't make it :/
Also, the points that are crossed out make it ever so more dramatic, as the child is in denial of her father's actions - it's just heartbreaking.
Side note: no idea if Aven is a girl's name or not, but just from the narrative I got the vibe that it was a girl - maybe you should give that a thought?
Other than that, it was great and I hope to see more!
Thanks so much for the review. Yeah, you're right about one thing--she gets herself into quite a mess later on. But you'll just have to wait and see ;D
I see plenty of potential here. A young protagonist becomes the head of the household in turbulent times –times of war, of genocide, or perhaps of the end of the world. Tensions are rising high at this point.
It isn’t easy. I recall when I became the head of my household at seventeen (and only for a month mind you), I struggled and resented my younger siblings for not understanding –as well as my parents for leaving to Europe for a month. All of this transpired in my last year of secondary school (high school.) Thus I was able to relate to the protagonist.
How? Were the adults speaking in hushed tones, looking over their shoulders at the slightest sound and sighing in relief when their fear wasn’t validated? What precisely gave the children this impression? I understand they’re more perceptive than we give them credit for. After all, they’re sponges that soak up information unconsciously and internalize it immediately.
What about the screams that make them memorable? Describe their quality to portray how awful the incident is to be permanently seared in the narrator’s mind. Were they similar to the squeals of animals to slaughter? Did they seem to go on forever until a sick thud put an end to a particular scream only for another one to start?
The narrator uses the word “dreams” to describe it: however, I feel nightmare would be a more appropriate word. It haunts them. They wake up with their “skin slick with sweat” after all. Night terror is also suitable.
I can relate to the character in this sense. For a week straight, I woke up three in the morning. I would scream in my night terrors and wake up with my mouth open –but nothing came out. Sweat caused clothes to cling to my skin. My heart furiously beat against my chest for minutes to follow as I attempted to regain my bearings.
In particular, I liked how you capitalized Soldier. It made it that they were all the same. There was nothing unique about them –they were the enemy. In that sense they all took the same identity.
My advice is to back up any claims you make with evidence thus it becomes less of “showing” and more of “telling” the audience what’s going on. These claims are valid –there’s tangible proof. Besides that, I wish you the best of luck with your future work and eagerly wait to see this piece once more.
Thanks so much for the review! I'll definitely think about what you said. I want to put as much effort into this as I can. Also, if you are curious, I did post a basic idea of where this is going to go plot-wise in the Writers' Corner. Unfortunately, it's changed quite a bit since then, so I might post something new. I'll pm it to you if you'd like. Again, thanks for the review!
Heya Devan! I'm here to review for you today.
Thoughts: Short, yet intriguing. I really want to know what happens next. The character seems thoroughly frightened and although at times they may seem a little bit annoying, I cannot blame them at all.
So... I want to know where the character is right now. Is she hiding in her bed or her closet? In the 3rd Church tower on Stable Way? Have the Soldiers raided the place again? Is Aven afraid that they're going to come again? What about her mother, why can't she know? The context here is pretty important xD
Also, er. This sounds very, very familiar: the concept. Did you post this in the Writer's Corner? I remember commenting on one of your ideas and thinking: "Wow, sounds lovely!" xD
Aven: She sounds like a guy. I don't know if this is because I have a character in my head called Aven in my head who happens to be male, but they seem more masculine than feminine
That's all from me. This review was quite short, but the story was great! Lots of suspense and intrigue in it. I'm really interested to see how the story takes its course. Also, how does the title: "Marching into the woods" sound?
Keep writing and PM me if you've got any questions about this review...and if there's a new chapter up! 8D
~Blues
Hey Blues, Thanks for the review! Also, yes, this is the beginning of the novel idea that I posted in the Writers' Corner some time ago. I'm glad it's memorable enough that it came back to you!
Again, thanks a lot! 
This prologue has a lot of suspense and you have me very intrigued. I really hope you continue it, and when you get the next chapter out PM me so I can read it.
I love the idea you've got here, and the format of it was very interesting and I think added to the story. I like how you have some parts crossed out like he started thinking about something he didn't want to and just couldn't finish the thought. I can almost picture him scratching out the words as hard as he could. (It is a guy, right? You never make this clear.) I also love the names: Aven, Tannis, and such.
Even though I liked this story so much, there were a few things that buged me. Firstly, who is Tannis? You mention them, but we never find out who they are and we want to know. Secondly, you say he can't stand to think about it (I believe you use that exact phrase twice) but he continues to think about it which is kind of contradictory. Thirdly, I wish you'd have a bit more description: what does there village look like? What does Aven, or his sister, or his father, or his mother look like? It would add more depth to the story and more heart/gut-wrenchingness to his father's death.
I wish you did say that it couldn't be as scary as he remembers it because that just confuses the reader and takes away some of the reader's fear, and the reader WANTS to be fearful. It also distracts from the story and doesn't really add much to it.
Don't forget to PM me when you get the next chapter out because I can't wait to read it. This is awesome and I hope you continue it. Good luck; hope this helps!
-tgirly
All right, I know this wasn't your fault, it's mine, but Aven's a girl. I really should make that obvious. ^^" Thanks for the input though, I will definitely be adding description. But really, I wanted this to feel as much like a real journal as much as possible, which would mean Aven wouldn't write much about things she sees as everyday. But again, thank you so much for the review, I really appreciate it! (by the way, Tannis does come in later, you aren't really supposed to know who he is yet.)