The King's Curse

Thanks for the comments and critiques , this is my first draft of this short tale which will be the base for my novel.
And yes I know the king's will, but it was too complicated and I had a bad time trying to write it in a cool way.

I must say this tale's purpose is to narrate the mythical origin of some of my novel's key subjects, which are the Book and the divine Gifts...And also the things mentioned on the king's will XD

I'll surely post a V2 soon.

When time was not even time, a king was proclaimed, to rule over every abyss, ocean and land. On the day of his coronation, God and Lucifer descended to earth. They came with gifts for the young king, to help in his upcoming reign.
God decided to give him seven gifts, seven blessings to guide the king: Knowledge, to lead humanity through the path of light; Fate, to never look back; Luck, to never cross ways with sin; Restraint, to never fall under any dark thought; Power, to protect his people from evil intentions; Health, to heal himself and his land from any harm; And finally Wealth, to satisfy his people desires.

The first sentence is just plain awesome. "When time was not even time," god, I'm going to remember that forever now. I thing I note here is that you use Lucifer and The Fallen Angel. That's fine to me, but people who aren't as religious may not realize that the two are the same person. I agree with your choice to capitalize the gifts as they are seen as 'divine powers'. I don't understand Fate though. What does, "To never look back" mean? You need to clarify it more. Also, wealth is a bit debatable because God would surely want him to be humble, right?

By the other side, the Fallen Angel granted the king an empty book, which would move thoughts, time and death itself to fulfill his owner's will.

You need to mention the book's name here (if it is the "Demon's Book") or else you set yourself up for confusion. Also, this paragraph is so short compared to God's, so you may want to consider adding some more details regarding the books power.

And so the years passed, the king used God’s blessings to guide humanity and wrote on the Demon’s Book to rule over time and death.
The day came for the ruler to die, but God and the Fallen Angel felt compassion for him, so the night of his death they descended to his chambers.

If he could rule over time and death, then why not his own? Add a sentence saying, "As death approached, the king tried writing his own name over and over in the book. But each time, his name faded away. His destiny could not be controlled by the book.

God told the king, “My son, you’ve been wise, generous and honest. I will fight death for you, but only if you swear to destroy the Fallen’s Book.” Then the Fallen Angel came and said, “I’ll pay Death to keep her away, but only if you ask God to take his gifts away.”

Fallen Angel. Don't want to be confused with a good angel

Two options were proposed, only one could be chosen. After thinking well, the king decided to accept the Fallen’s deal. Years of struggling passed, and the king’s glory faded to tyranny, but finally his death came, and this time there was no delay. It all ended that night, the king, the empire, and all it was; only the book, and what was wrote on it remained of what once was the first kingdom alive.
The ancient tongues tell that the king wrote his final will on the book, which still lurks between us and sculpts our world.

The ending is such a massive cliff hanger. He wrote his will. Ok, what was his will? This may be something you leave to imagination, but heck, I want to know. I would like it if you went into the king's thought process a little as well. Why did he choose the Devil over God?

The basic concept was a tad cliche but, the way you brought it across wasn't, so I applaud you for that. If only the king had an opposition other than his concious; the story would be a much more fulfilling read.
Or rather, materialise his concious and have the king battle with it in an epic fashion, if off course you insist on making that his only opposition.

God told the king, “My son, you’ve been wise, generous and honest. I will fight death for you, but only if you swear to destroy the Fallen’s Book.”

These lines are beyond me, as the contradiction is made vividly apparent. How is it that God can call the king wise, generous and honest if he accepted the Fallen's book? Maybe if he didn't, then yes, surely.

The potential of this story is infinite, so consider this your draft eternally past.

Keep writing.

//Abyss. (hah, thanks for mentioning my name in the first line;))

God decided to give him seven gifts, seven blessings to guide the king: Knowledge, to lead humanity trough the path of light; Fate, to never look back; Luck, to never cross ways with sin; Restraint, to never fall under any dark thought; Power, to protect his people from evil intentions; Health, to heal himself and his land from any harm; And finally Wealth, to satisfy his people desires.

By the other side, the Fallen Angel granted the king an empty book, he claimed that whoever who writes on it; thoughts, time and death itself would move to fulfil his will.

Thanks

By the other side, the Fallen Angel granted the king an empty book, he claimed that whoever who writes on it; thoughts, time and death itself would move to fulfil his will.