Published July 22, 2011
Lightly fading away I can see the sun
I can feel his sorrow
I can feel his solitude
I can see how it decreases
How he says goodbye
To this mid July Summer sky
Neither its me, neither my heart.
But I must say I don't understand
I don't understand why the sun goes away
Why he leaves us apart in such a lonely place
He doesn't seems to step back
To take a look back and reconsider
To admire the beauty he is leaving away
The one he's sinking in dark
But I can't leave the doubt
Of why he goes way
Is it a blessing?
Is it a punishment?
If so, who is suffering? who is winning?
In this blend of feelings and ideas spreading in the sky, I can see - lets better say "I can understand"
I can understand that even when he gives away all his bright, all his beauty, all his life
he hates us more than he hates his dawn
he hates why he can't leaves us apart without saying goodbye, without giving away all he has
without delight our eyes with his golden dawn
without filling with solitude this Mid July Summer Sky.
He hates than every time he is leaving, more than a tear fells
more than a life fades
and more than a pair of lips blend together.
He can't afford the Idea than now that he is about to sleep
the last sun rays burn our cheeks with heir burning tips
the last strokes of sunlight spread in the airs
painting in the canvas of this Mid July Summer Sky.
The time has come
I can hear the echoes
He is done, and so am I
He's done shining
I'm done writing
So its time to say goodbye
to this Mid July Summer Sky.
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I don't understand the first line of the second stanza.
"He doesn't seems to step back
To take a look back and reconsider
To admire the beauty he is leaving away
The one he's sinking in dark"
"He doesn't seems" should be He doesn't seem. Also, I'm not sure leaving away makes sense.
"If so, who is suffering? who is winning?"
The "W" on the second who should be capitalized. It's the beginning of a sentence.
The fifth stanza doesn't have as much flow as the above stanzas.
He hates than every time he is leaving, more than a tear fells
More than a tear FALLS.
the last sun rays burn our cheeks with heir burning tips
HAIR burning tips.
Now that I'm done nitpicking, I did like the poem and agree with icebender that you did a good job personifying the sun. Great poem
-tgirly
I thought you did great! Great job personafication-izing the sun. I tdid get a little confusing near the end, but i still thought it was cute, and very rythmetic.
Thanks, and about the name its funny XD since I accidentally posted this in the narrative poetry, I rushed to delete my old post and post it in here, so in the transition I gave it the wrong name a few times. Thanks for the review
Dude, did you just change the name of this poem twice in 4 minutes? wow, your dealing with confusion.
I thought your idea was thoughtful and certainly very creative.Love the idea, very special and unique. Good luck with your future work and always remember to keep things straight and simple. Keep an eye on your grammar and sentence structure. Hope your writings come to use for you and you can make a better future with them and take yourself to a better place using them. Keep up your great work.
Next time try to keep it simpler and dont repeat so much.