Young Writers Society

#deep

Hey, Will here for a review of your work!

Well, you're new here, Destoni, so I'm going to cut you some slack. But still, this wasn't a good quality piece of writing.

The Good

I'm sorry. I really am - but there just isn't anything readable about it. I started reading it, and then I was lost in between the lines. I'm so sorry for saying this but - in my eyes, this isn't a short story. This is writing. There's a difference, and you have to learn to cross the bridge between the two.

The Bad

Firstly, structure. Paragraphs! Where are they? I can't read your work because you don't have paragraphs. Structure is sometimes referred to as 'the bun of the hamburger' because it holds everything inside it. Your story doesn't have that bun. It's just lettuce and meat. And what's a good hamburger without a bun?

Secondly, sentences. A complex sentence is something like:

I woke up that morning, ready to go to work, but then my wife said she felt sick.

Yeah, it's an alright sized sentence. Some people can go over that, but you and your pen pal have gone way too far.

The imposter stood looking enraged at me that I exposed him he tried to charge at the bishop but I jumped In front of him head first and the whole church blew him out of heaven when it was done the gates of heaven opened before going in Jesus came and told us we had a choice to be remade to help the next generation of the human race or to stay in the heavens and watch over them everyone agreed to stay but Jesus asked me of one warm favor to go back and help more and when I came home everyone would be waiting so I was pulled into another dream I wasn't ready for it but I was there and I was running for my life I was in a scenario that I was female who was surrounded by drugs gays and danger and I ran from it and ended up in the dark of somewhere giving someone valuable advice this time I was a man and i was confident and after I said my peace I went into the sky back as me entering the gates of heaven my eyes were blinded by the godly light of god .

I’ll be honest. I didn’t read all of it. In order to improve this, you need to focus on the structural and technical aspects. The entire short story’s consisted of one massive paragraph and it was almost impossible to read it. I got lost in between the lines and had to start all over again. You should break it down in smaller paragraphs, so your readers are not intimidated or distracted. I also agree with @tigeraye. You should read over your work before you post it because I noticed a lot of run-on sentences, missing full stops/periods and misplaced commas. This needs more attention and then, I’m sure, it’ll be an enjoyable read. Keep writing!

There are kind of a bunch of grammar/styling mistakes here.

Last night I had a dream the day the world was to end me and all my church members were locked in the church it began to shake and one by one everyone fell to the ground then I awoke to see that we all were surrounded by snow and mid dark light and we wore all white then the pastor said I think we are reborn we are in heaven our physical bodies are dead but not our spirituals we all looked around and to find attached to all of our hands were gold scrolls god had written what he'd planned our futures out to be and what would've been we all shouted and rejoyed at the lives god had wrote of us because they were so righteous