" Chirp Chirp Chirp,"
She
felt the slight quiver of the birds on her hand, and they pecked from
it. A small, sad smile appeared on her face; but even her dimples
couldn't hide the grief and sorrow that time and nature had " blessed"
her with. Yes, happiness was missing in that smile. No, maybe it wasn't;
because something goes missing when there's some sign of it. If there
had never been a sign of joy on her face after " that" day, how could it
be missing?
The sparrows flew away. She got
up, still looking at the birds with her icy eyes. Her smile disappeared
as she looked at the ground. She was beautiful, very beautiful. Her long
straight hair was blonde naturally, but she had dyed it. Her eyes were
of mixed shades of blue- the icy ones. When she smiled, the whole world
stopped and stared for a while. Her lips were simply like two rose
petals- No, they shamed the rose, actually. She was perfect- truly a
perfectionist.
But time had made her a caged golden sparrow. And
no-one cares for a caged sparrow at all. Her past was dark, her present
was darker, and her future..... No this wouldn't suit her. She didn't
deserve it. She never did. But nature doesn't work on our principles,
not even the ones which belong to US.
She
was so close to birds; the only exception was that she didn't have her
wings now. They had been cut off by nature. All she could do now was to
sit in cage, drink the water, eat the grains, and that's it. This was
her life now. And I hated it, truly hated it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so here we've got an interesting piece here, its a little hard to decipher if there's a hidden meaning behind this here or not cause I get the feeling there's more to this than meets the eye....well at any rate, it really did get my attention very well here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, it appears we have ourselves quite a sad start there on this one. This person's just looking at a bird somehow...and reminiscing of something perhaps with that sad smile, which is an interesting detail there, it makes you think a little there...and then of course there's the part about the smile itself and how this one hasn't smiled since a certain day...and well, that certainly catches your attention to see how something could devastate a person quite that much.
Okay...well, this is a nice description there, from the third person in fact, it appears this is a description meant to describe this one as almost being unnaturally beautiful there with the kind of comparisons that are being made here. Its certainly an interesting touch there...especially with the images of all the sorrow going on as well here.
Okay...that's interesting, the way that she's referred to as a sparrow almost seems to be talking of more than just the bird their, that's definitely intriguing, and well it appears even the narrator is quite convinced things are only going to be bad for her...which isn't a very encouraging prospect there at the very beginning of a story.
Okay...its hard to even try to figure out if those wings are only metaphorical or if she has actual wings there, what with all the other imagery surrounding this piece making things seem quite magical here...but well, it ends on yet another bad note there...well...just a lot of sadness in this one here to start with.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is an interesting start here, I don't quite know what message its trying to convey, but it seems interesting.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Oh hey! Stella here!
So this was really intriguing. I loved the whole concept of the cage or prison, especially one that seems so idyllic. I'm really interested in where this is going so as far as beginnings go, this has achieved your primary goal of engaging my interest.
I think there were some slips with words and description here that need fixing. For instance, look at this line:
You already told us that her eyes were "icy" and from that we deduced they were blue. This type of description is called "telling", you are *telling* us that her eyes are icy blue. Whereas earlier you "showed" it to us. Now, both have a part to play in writing, but as a rule of thumb, if you can show then you shouldn't tell.
Your use of the word 'perfectionist' seemed wrong to me. A perfectionist is somebody who wants everything to be perfect - is that what you meant?
I didn't get this, I didn't think that the second clause added anything, it just seemed a rephrasing of the first clause.
Also, for emphasis, try using italics rather than CAPITALS or "speech marks". The speech marks especially don't make a whole lot of sense!
I liked your change of perspective at the end - who is the speaker? That's pretty cool!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
DestinyBlaze, this is an interesting piece of writing. I'm curious as to if this "introduction" is a prologue or a chapter 1. Mind telling us which? A prologue is a bit different but can also be very similar to the first chapter of a book. First, the length of a prologue is shorter (which this introduction achieves) and it is has to be even more of a hook than a chapter 1. Either way, this kind of lacks the draw of a well-done hook. I'm left with questions, but I don't really care to have them answered because it feels cliche and predictable.
You shift tenses awkwardly at the end, utilizing a 3rd person for the entire story and then moving into 1st person.
Otherwise, this writing reads like a first draft (rough draft) and needs to be polished up and edited quite a bit. The grammar is wonky in some areas, but not too obtrusive. It mostly just needs to be stylistically edited so it flows better and creates more of a hook. So far we got someone who seems to contradict her image a lot and feels cliche due to her "perfection" and is some part bird.
I hope my review wasn't too harsh, it is all to help you out. just to circulate everything back, some things to work on, polish up the writing, avoid brisk tense changes unless specified, and work on crafting a more intriguing hook. I won't judge your character's "Mary-sue" levels yet because I only know of her looks, but it seems she'd adding up to be that way.
Good luck with your writing!
Edit1: Oh, I forgot to mention, the critique of your tense change was only my opinion! Some people might like it, so don't feel the need to change it based on one person's (probably dimmed) views.