[Sorry guys, this is super long because I didn't know to condense my chapters at the time ^^;]
Chapter One
"So... my mom and dad said they are coming to your parents' dinner party," he told her. The boy had come to visit her after school, and after finishing their snack they were sitting in the kitchen.
Her brown eyes blinked in confusion before the realization set in. This conversation did seem familiar. Curi noticed the boy's expectant expression. He usually came off as an annoyance, but recently she had begun to enjoy his company, and she especially appreciated him reminding her about this news.
"Oh yeah, I found out about that yesterday… conveniently during dinner," she answered. It was common knowledge to her family that Curi was always susceptible to food or flattery.
Her parents hosted parties periodically at their home, and though most of the parties were pretty tame, if a party became too out of control Curi sneaked away to her room. She had been forced to attend too many of them throughout her childhood; and her latest means of escaping the dreaded event needed her to fake obliviousness. As long as she pretended to forget the party- it would not be her fault for not coming. She could have already heard herself chime out: "What? There's a party happening? I was so busy reading my Bible, organizing my sock drawer, and studying that I hadn't noticed. I guess I can come if you don't want me to further my education. These 'You-gots-ta-be a better student’ books are collecting dust. I can just drop out of school right now!"
It was a wonder why her parents even had such elaborate parties. Their lives could be considered dull without them though- what with one of her parents being a part-time librarian and the other being a professor.
"Huh?" The sound of her name broke her musing.
"Curi!"
"I said what's got you so ticked about your parents' party? Are they no fun or something?" Cooleo hummed in reply. "Why don't you just do what I do at family functions? Distract yourself with apps."
Curi silently scoffed at the boy with his high-tapered fade. Things weren't that easy.
She explained, “My phone's battery doesn't last long enough to drown out that foolery. Besides, my parents don't play that. Ever! All butts that live in the Andrews' household must be in a seat at the dinner table." She touched her forehead in frustration. "I know my parents are trying to pump social skills and great connections into my life, but the way they are going about it is annoying."
"Well, 'if all butts have to be in a seat' just cut your butt off." He flashed a smile with dimples the size of gumballs.
"You're such a weirdo, Cooleo." She wondered to herself why she considered them to be almost friends. There was probably some more paperwork to be done before that became official.
Cooleo NoLastName bumped into her path so often that she guessed he became a constant.
Despite his real name being Cornelius, to seem cooler, he had asked everyone to refer to him by his middle name after being teased at school. He had mentioned that his parents had gotten used to him forsaking his first name; and they often called him Cooleo as well. Curi had asked about his odd last name only once, and he had stiffly replied that the name had been passed down many generations. She hadn't asked again- thinking she had hit a sore spot. It was so easy to tell when the boy was bothered. Any time his coolness was called into question he went on the defensive.
They had only met three years ago at a library event, but it felt like... three years ago. She couldn't romanticize their camaraderie because he was a jerk half of the time. Still, the other half of him was easy to talk to, so she put up with him.
Curi drummed her fingers at a rhythmic pace on the table.
“Pssh, tssh, shh, tshhh...” Cooleo began to make un-rhythmic sounds.
She swatted at Cooleo for his unneeded attempt of beat-boxing to the sound of her fingertips. He had to know that he was annoying.
The table, currently stacked with pizza boxes, had endured as many horrid Andrews' work-family functions as she. This table had such history—she barely remembered all its tales. Too many kicks to the table leg on the right made the entire table collapse thanks to Mrs. Digi, who had pulled off a table leg to whack her bickering husband with at an Andrews' Valentine dinner party. Underneath the table, Curi could feel the squish of old hardened gum- which had been the work of a party guest too.
“Cooly-cooly—” she ignored his bemused expression."-Do you think this table might be partly evil? It has been used for every party."
“Nah. Who spends time thinkin' about woodwork?” Cooleo said as he raised an eyebrow.
She sighed at his nonchalant response, and he absentmindedly stroked his side of the table. As an afterthought, he added, “Curi-Curi.”
“Fool, it only works when I say it. Still, I think this old table is okay whenever food's around. Y'know maybe I just have to change my thinking. What if I started saying that one of mom and dad's parties could be fun?”
Andrews parties were okay, but something cringe-worthy or dramatic always reared its head before a party ended. None of this had deterred her parents yet, as they were confident no one could throw a party without a mishap here and there.
“Life and death are in the power of the tongue,” he said, not missing a beat. He folded his arms behind his head. "Doesn't hurt to be optimistic, though."
Curi couldn't argue with that, so the rest of their pizza was eaten in silence.
+++++
From his room, her brother Taveo yelled that it was time for Cooleo to get going. He was president of a local math club, after all, and needed the kitchen to hold his meetings. Curi believed her brother actually felt concerned about how much pizza was left. She and Cooleo hadn't realized how many slices they had eaten while talking since what was left resembled a greasy ghost town.
“No worries, Taveo, there's at least one slice left with your name on it. Thanks for lookin' out for me man, I have to catch my bus soon.” Cooleo understood Taveo's true intentions as well but managed to be polite about it.
“Knowing Mom, she would eat a piece of it just to spite you! You know how she feels about food going to waste!” Curi called to her brother. Taveo dashed to the kitchen so quickly that she swore the carpet caught fire. He then shooed them out of the kitchen to eat in peace.
She walked Cooleo out to her porch. Daylight was winding down, even though dinner was a few hours away. Leaves covered most of the visible driveway, and the rest were obscured from view by the family car. She felt the last rays of the sun on her skin, which made the back of her shirt feel warm.
“You think Toki and his parents are going to come?” Cooleo asked her. Toki had moved into Curi's neighborhood a few months back, but he had already struck up a friendship with him.
“Oh! Why? You mean so we can have like a kids table?” Curi honestly asked. Most people her age didn't come to the Andrews' parties.
Cooleo's cool expression flickered for a moment to one of annoyance. Apparently, she had answered incorrectly.
“Are you serious? What are you- three years old? You do realize we are both too old for that. I asked because he's new and might want to hang out.” He shrugged on the handles to his backpack and retied his shoes. His jeans were dirty but he managed to keep his sneakers perfectly clean.
“No! Ugh, you wouldn't understand. I was just saying...” Curi trailed off. Of course, he wouldn't think of the possibility of kids or teens, in their case, getting fed first. He hadn't attended one of her parents' dinner parties before, so ways to get to the food quicker wouldn't cross his mind. Maybe she had been too naive to think he would understand, or maybe she was just bad at explaining things.
“Actually, I was wrong because you sure do look twelve." He peered closer to her face, rubbing his chin in fake contemplation. "Scratch that—I meant eleven.”
The urge to snap at him was tempting. She glared at him so evilly—a grown man would have cried. However, because he was Cooleo, it didn't faze him. The sudden instance of his bratty side ticked her off. He made her patience run short.
“I said I hope you miss your stupid bus!”
“I won't if I'm tracking it on my phone!” he smirked, pleased with himself.
Sometimes, she thought he made a game of it, seeing how long it took to tick her off.
Unknown to her, Cooleo marveled at how easily she got upset. They were both quick-tempered people, but maybe hers was just a bit faster.
“Shut up, Cooleo!”
With a wave, he descended down her street, laughing. Despite herself, she returned his wave, crediting it to her need to be polite.
She looked forward to talking to Toki later. She never felt like taking an aspirin after talking to him.
+++++
Curi paced around her room, deep in thought. She had thought about emailing Toki to see if he was coming to her parents' dinner party; but she didn't think he would respond. Toki was never one to check his emails or texts or any forms of social media. Did he even use technology at all? Much of her thinking was in vain since she didn't have his email address.
She absentmindedly eyed a math problem in her textbook. She should have studied her lesson for today, but after distracting herself with the vast wonders of the internet, she had vetoed the math lesson until tomorrow- which gave her two lessons of math to do in the morning. She would hate herself for this tomorrow probably, or perhaps she’d just add a whopping three lessons onto the next, next day.
Her mom hadn't had a decent education until high school, so she had decided to take her children's education into her own hands. As soon as Curi knew how to write her name and open a textbook, her older brother and she had been home-schooled. Still, Curi definitely slacked on her work whenever her mom didn't have the time to chastise her, and her laziness didn't hurt her until she had weekly math tests.
The somewhat messy bedroom fit her well. The walls had never been painted, so the off-white color had gotten dirtier and dirtier through the years. Schoolbooks were placed on her computer desk, and sharpened pencils collected into one circular container. She slung her used clothes into a pile on her bean bag chair, and who knows what was underneath her bed. However, her bookshelf and art corner were organized respectively by alphabet and color. She could keep her hobbies tidy—but the rest of her room? Not so much.
Curi glanced at the digital clock on her nightstand, greeted by the flickering red numbers. She had eaten dinner hours ago, and was marveling at how quiet the house was. She spread her legs across her bed frame, slippers almost dangling off her feet. The silence gave her time to think. On a regular day, she would have been thinking of what to paint, her favorite couple from a book series to read about, or the cheapest way to buy a handheld game online. Now, the approaching dinner party consumed her thoughts. When she thought of the party- she imagined a countdown clock. She couldn't remember the last time she had enjoyed a dinner party.
The only party of her parents she remembered that stopped early involved an irrational Mr. Digi threatening to injure people with empty peanut jars. The tension in the dining room had been so heavy that a young Curi had been afraid to burst out in tears for fear of being the first one hit with a jar. The memory still made her stomach twist in discomfort and, to her internal embarrassment, her eyes water. Curi wasn't going to replay that horrid night in her head. The other parties had only been boredom and frustration, not downright ridiculous like that day.
Despite Mr. Digi offering to finance and promote their next party, the rebuke her parents had given him after the event had been severe enough for them to almost never invite the man again.
The Digi family was influential in the city and first helped spread the word of the Andrews' parties. They were partly the reason why Curi's parents knew so many business people too. It certainly didn't excuse the Digi's cartoonish antics, but it made sense why her parents couldn't quite throw them away. The Digi's could easily mess up their reputation within the city.
Curi didn't like the Digi family. The older couple had always reeked of mothballs, fought openly in front of everyone, and took home too many plates of food without contributing. Curi still hadn't forgotten a party, in which Mr. Digi had finished his plate of food and then started eating off hers. He had shushed her with a wrinkled finger and told her to stay in a child's place. She had been tempted to bite that finger off, but her mother had de-escalated the event by making her another plate.
There had always been an off aura about the bickering married couple, and Curi always hoped they would not return. Her parents continued to put up with them, to the point Curi believed they genuinely liked them. If the couple was going to badmouth her parents, she wished they would do it already so they could all get on with their lives.
I just need to do something else, Curi thought. Rolling onto her side, she unplugged the electronics near her nightstand and got ready for bed. She didn't go to sleep until around midnight because her night-owl habits surfaced whenever she tried to go to bed at a decent hour.
Hopefully, she'd dream about something good.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi again,
Nit-picks:
It's not immediately obvious whether she thinks they are too dull to host so many parties or would be too dull without them.
This seems really reflective. Like, something you would think after months or years passing. This feels like it's being written as it's happening (obviously it's past tense but you probably know what I mean).
I have no idea what that sentence means.
Overall:
Character: Cooleo seems like a really interesting character and I like the way you slip in one of his own thoughts. Really changes the tone of how this is read, because it can't be from 3rd person limited anymore. I also think you get Taveo in really well for the little bit he's there. Still quite interested to see an interaction between Curi and her parents that doesn't involve anyone else though.
Setting: Not much to say, just that at first I didn't realise they were in her house at the beginning, and that was an unnecessary thing to stop and go "oh, right" about.
Plot: So, I'm not sure you actually do that much here that isn't covered in the prologue, other than introduce a new character. That's fine, if that character is the main focus of at least this next bit of story. I still enjoyed it though, so I think it's fine.
Flow: I'm just not gonna comment on this any more. All is good.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hi, Dest.
First of all, there are a couple of grammatical mistakes. They made reading this first chapter more difficult. However, other reviewers did a thorough job of pointing them out so I won't.
As for the story, nothing much happens yet but you introduce us to Curi and Cooleo. I assume they will be your main protagonists. They are interesting characters and you made them not only very realistic, but quite engaging. The dynamics of their relationship work just fine.
Only one slight drawback: those names. Curi, Cooleo, Taki, Taveo, the Digi family...
I suppose their names are supposed to contribute to the story's atmosphere. It feels like one of those 'modern fairytales' novels, like Roald Dahl's 'Matilda'. Actually, this bit reminded me a lot of 'Matilda'. A young girl as your main protagonist. Complicated characters. And of course, your knack for sketching them in a couple of well-placed pen-strokes.
I can't wait to learn more about those dreaded dinner parties.
Thanks for the review, papillote!
Hey! Sky here for another review of this story. Sorry this is taking so long... I kind of exhausted my reviews for a while but I'm trying. Here we go.
Lowercase m for my.
I would reword this to say "He usually gave off annoyance," something like that since to me this sounds a bit strange.
No comma needed.
Period after expression.
I would make this say "Cooleo said, as he raised an eyebrow." "He raised an eyebrow" alone sounds off.
Wow! I didn't know she had a brother, I thought she was an only child. Ok, maybe you should have mentioned him sooner. Where is he during the parties? How old is he? More about him sooner.
Comma after mom.
"...would have cried, but because he was Cooleo..." is where the comma should be.
Comma after frustration.
Move the comma to after parents.
Good job, again. I really like this story. I just have a quick question. How old is Curi? I remember that in the prologue she had been about 5, and she had met this guy. Is that same guy from the prologue Cooleo? If not, then we need more information about him. I liked your ending especially. It was my favorite part. You did repeat a lot of things from the prologue in this chapter so I'd just read over it and maybe take some parts out. I really have nothing else to criticize. Good story! I hope this is helpful
~Sky
Thanks for the review, Sky! To answer your questions: Curi was about 8 or 9 in the prologue and is currently a teenager (I don't have a specific age but like 14-16). Cooleo was not in the prologue.
Oh ok, sorry I mixed up my characters. :3 No problem, anytime
Hi there,
I'm here as requested, and I gotta say, I really enjoyed this! There were some rough spots (which I'll get to in a minute), but overall, I think it's a strong start to an intriguing story.
Firstly—and I know this is something of a frivolous compliment, but I just want to say it—I really like the title. It reminds me of the name of some kind of lighthearted farce from Hollywood's Golden Age, and I mean that as a big compliment. Not that the title is necessarily that important, but it piqued my curiosity all the same.
As for the actual story, I think where you really shine is with your characters. You have such distinct people in this, and they all seem pretty well-developed for just a prologue and first chapter. I already like Curi, and I'm really digging her relationship with Cooleo. They have a cute, unique dynamic that I'd like to see more of.
There's not a ton of plot in this—mostly it's a lot of exposition and seems like you're setting things up for the rest of the story, which makes sense—but I do think your characters are enough to carry it so far, and keep things interesting. I'd definitely like to read more and find out what happens.
I also enjoy the way you've approached both the story and the characters: that absurdist, exaggerated-reality type way. I love those sorts of stories and I think that style suits this piece well, at least so far. I also really liked a lot of your writing—in particular, the analogous descriptions (like the pinball levers comment someone before me mentioned). I do kind of wish you'd maybe used more of that clever, comparative imagery, since a lot of the other descriptions were kind of flat or glossed over, and I know you're really good with imagery so why not give us more of it, you know? But, since this is such a character-based story, I can understand how it's easy to skip over.
There's a hearty amount of exposition/backstory/details thrown at the reader here, and in not a whole lot of time, but I think you manage to keep it from being overwhelming. Just be very careful in the future when walking that line.
Your pacing was, for the most part, good. There were a couple of moments where it felt a bit iffy—in particular, the flow of your prologue wasn't entirely flawless. I didn't love how it jumped around, from Curi's meeting with the boy to the Digis' poor behavior; it all felt a bit discombobulated. That's one issue this story seems to have so far: the events don't feel connected to each other; it feels, too much and too often, like one random thing is happening after the next, and while they're all interesting and entertaining, I'd like to see them a bit more connected. (Though I realize you're probably planning on tying them all together later in the story, which would somewhat justify this choice.) And you do introduce quite a lot a characters off the bat—though I don't have a very strong opinion as to if it's too many. Like I said, your characters are very distinct and intriguing, so I'm tempted to give you a pass, but you may confuse some of your readers with so many introductions in such a short span of time. Ultimately, it's up to you whether or not that's a risk worth taking.
I also wish we'd gotten more of a sense of Curi's age earlier on in the prologue. At first, I was picturing her as a teenager, and then suddenly she was acting very, very childlike, which surprised me. So I'd suggest making that clearer right from the get-go.
Overall though, despite all these annoying suggestions of mine, I quite like what you have so far and I think this is poised to be a really entertaining novel.
In terms of technical errors and the much-maligned nitpicks, I have a fair amount. I'm only going to be pointing out the mistakes from the prologue though, because this was pretty lengthy and you do repeat the same mistakes (e.g., incorrect comma usage) over and over, so pointing out these exact mistakes numerous times in both the prologue and the first chapter here would've made me go crazy. XD Instead, I'm going to try to help clarify where you're going wrong, and hopefully you'll be able to use that info to correct the same errors in the first chapter on your own.
Before I begin, I want to start by talking about commas. They are so, so misused on this site. This piece, sadly, is no exception. I could give you an oversimplified explanation about how to use them, but that would do you a disservice. Instead, I'd suggest reading up on comma usage. At this point, you're both putting commas where they don't belong and leaving them off when one's needed, so Googling this perplexing bit of punctation seems necessary. In fact, I think reading up on all manner of punctuation couldn't hurt.
Anyway, on with the show (and with some examples of this comma misuse):
I'm really critical of opening lines—I think it's extremely important that they're something intriguing and well-written, to pull the reader in—and I have to say, I really like this one. It's just intriguing enough, and I love how it subtly paints a scene and gives us an idea of these characters. Nice work with that.
If I were going to be critical, I'd say that maybe the period usage here makes this paragraph read a bit harshly. It's kind of choppy, since the full stops give it a strange, halting sort of flow. But that's not a huge deal, and I'm willing to overlook it cuz I like it so much. I would suggest being careful about that in the future, though. Having short sentences can work some of the time, but also can radically change the flow and read of any given paragraph.
Couple of things here. Firstly, there should be a comma after "time." Secondly, "couch" is repetitive, though luckily there's an easy fix for that: simply remove the second "couch" (the one that follows "pink"). "Pink leather" makes sense without it, and it reads much better.
Lastly, I love the comparison ("a glossed pig"). Very clever.
I think this should be, "a testament to Dad's poor design."
Add an em dash after "someone" and before "unless."
In this case, the M in "mom" should be lowercase. This is the rule: if mom/dad/nana/auntie/etc is preceded by, say, a possessive determiner (e.g., "her mom"), the first letter is lowercase; if, however, you're referring to a character as mom/dad/nana/auntie/etc, in place of their actual name (e.g., "Mom looked beautiful"), the first letter should be capitalized.
Also, I feel like the exclamation point at the end is kind of unnecessary. But then I hate exclamation points and am generally quite stingy with them, so that may be my bias talking.
In this case, the apostrophe goes after the S in "guests."
Okay, so I know these two are supposed to be young, but this is like, the weirdest and most stilted conversation ever. It had me scratching my head the whole time.
Also: Comma after "you know."
This dude's officially the worst.
Should be, "My mommy calls me 'Curi.'" Actually, you know what? The interior, single quotes around "Curi" really aren't even necessary. "My mother calls me Curi" is perfectly correct. Use that instead.
So I'd maybe separate "Curi realized something" from the previous sentence with a paragraph break, just because I think it'd be more ~dramatic~ if it were on its own. Also, change the period following "something" to a colon.
The first comma, following "least," is incorrect.
This just sounds so weird. "She noticed the adults were no longer in the kitchen" reads way better.
Dash between "once" and "full." Once-full.
"Red" is repetitive, and this is so clunky. I'd suggest rephrasing. Maybe try:
"Mr. Digi's nose had been red all night, but now the rest of his face was turning the same shade."
Comma after the second "now." Also, it sounds really weird to have the mom referring to them as "Digis," like that's their celebrity couple name or something. It's one thing to privately refer to a married couple by their last name (e.g., "The Smiths are coming over later"), but calling them both by their last name to their face (e.g., "Hello, Smiths!") just sounds weird and I've never heard anyone do that.
There's that weird last name thing again. Also, there needs to be some punctuation after "stop."
Unnecessary apostrophe. Should be just "Digis."
So! Overall, this was very enjoyable. There's some definite wrinkles that require smoothing out, but despite that, it's a good start and I really do love your characters so far, and some of your writing was just simply great. I'll try to get around to reviewing the next couple of chapters over the next few days. (Although, fair warning, it may take me a while: Since my reviews are hella long, they're pretty time-consuming. Hopefully that's not a problem.)
Nice work!
Thank you for the thorough review, Lucrezia. I don't mind the length at all, and I am thankful for the detailed explanations you give. Also, I am glad you like the characters so far. I will make the changes you mentioned soon.
Hi there, Dest! I'm finally getting around to this! I apologize for taking so long. I was very busy this past week, and only just got the chance to settle down and take a proper look at this. I'll be making comments as I read this to begin with, so prepare yourself!
First thing I noticed was that this is really long. I checked the word count. 4.5k! Whoa! You might want to separate this into three parts, just so it's in smaller, more manageable chunks for your readers. I can guarantee that chapters (or chapter parts) of 2k or less are far easier for people to read.
Just pointing this out, because I do it a lot and it can a little jarring, especially for readers;
[qoute]Curi should have known the night would end in some ridiculous way. Mr. Digi was smiling too widely. He staggered a bit and almost stepped on his wife's heel. The couple's shoes clacked as they made their way to the drink table.
Curi didn't like the Digis and did not want to be caught staring at the couple. She wished she could go to her room and lie down, but her bed currently acted as a coat rack for the guests. So, to pass the time she had been touching the leather couch. The pink couch leather squeaked at certain movements and reminded her of a glossed pig.[/quote]
Started two paragraphs in a row with "Curi". Might be a good idea to switch it up a little. Variety is one of you best friends when writing. *nods*
Comma, not full stop. Like so;
Forgot a space here!
Full stop, not comma. She's speaking, but you're not saying she's speaking, so there's no need for that comma there.
I think you're missing a word here. XD Might want to take another look at this sentence!
If I'm right, this is Wolfeman speaking? If that's the case, how does Curi hear it from the kitchen? And over so much conversation, too? I think you've slipped POVs or are using a tense I'm not that familiar with. Omni? I don't know, but I suggest you either put it after Curi gets back or remove it entirely. Of course, this depends entirely upon you or the tense/POV for this chapter. Keep it consistent. ^^
And you slip into Wolfeman's Point of View a few lines later. This is confusing. Whose POV is this chapter supposed to be in?? Please clarify!
While the fight between the Digis was entertaining, this line confused me. Wouldn't they have fled at the first sign of trouble? It's odd choice of wording, but if it works, it works. I can only suggest reading it out loud to see if it makes sense, because I'm really struggling with this line.
LOVE this imagery. XD
Miss a space here again! ^^
What's the layout of this house? Because somehow, I don't think Curi's bedroom is off the main kitchen/lounge/dining area? Might want to think about the layout of the house and reconsider this line.
I believe you could separate this into "Prologue" and "Chapter One". As I said near the start of this review, this is a very long chapter. I noticed it included a prologue, though, and was a little confused. This is highly unusual. Prologues are usually separate from the first chapter. I suggest you do this. Because one, it's easier for people to read, and two, it makes much more sense to have it as two separate "chapters" than all in the one chapter. If you read a book, you'll notice that the two are usually two separate entities, not one. ^^
I know I've probably pointed out quite a few things that others have already pointed out, so I'll try to keep the nitpicking to a minimum. XD I'll be more focused on plot and consistency and the like from here on out!
Onto Chapter One!
First up. Who is this "he"? Clarify earlier, please!
Okay, so this starts off pretty slowly, especially with the prologue, but then it starts to pick up a bit. That's cool. I really liked your humour here! You've got a talent for it. I also really enjoyed your writing in general. Your style is unique and quirky, and I like it. You've done a good job, minus a few hiccups in consistency with tenses and POVs. I suggest you keep that in mind when you're editing in the future! Inconsistency with tenses and POVs is something that can really turn off a reader. You want hook them with the first line, paragraph or page--and then keep them hooked.
And that's about all the advice I can give you today. I hope I've helped. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarlett.
Thank you, ScarlettFire. I appreciate you taking the time to review this. I only put the prologue with chapter 1 because I was cheap. I didn't want to spend the points. XD
I've made the changes you mentioned too. What did you mean by "spaces", though?
No problem! Oh, the spaces. You were missing them. So you have something like this; ."H in a few places! Nothing big, just got to make sure you hit the space bar in those places before you start typing again. If you need points, just review! XD And if you really need the points, I'm sure someone might be willing to donate a few to you? ^^
Hello hello! Here as requested
Prologue
I have a love-hate relationship with prologues. I liked yours because it wasn't purely an info-dump and something actually happened. I also feel like it provided some nice forshadowing with this boy Curi finds attractive and with these outrageous Digi's and with Curi feeling like her parents should stop with the dinner party thing. Obviously they're not going to stop, and I feel like this won't be the last time we see this boy or the Digis.
It was interesting seeing everything through Curi's eyes as a little girl. I appreciated that you were able to strike a balance between innocence and sophistication. She felt like a little girl, which can be hard to portray!
I was a little confused about how things escalated so quickly - from a dinner party and conversation to throwing and breaking things. Part of this could have been because it's from the perspective of a child and she might not have noticed every single thing leading up to a big fight. That, plus/or she's so preoccupied with this boy that she simply doesn't notice until it gets big.
I liked this opening. Sometimes retrospective writing (I didn't know then but I know now...) annoys me, but I thought it worked here. I think you did a nice job setting the scene here and showing the little things that start to raise suspicions.
You used a contraction and then didn't (didn't and did not), was that intentional?
Seems like an odd way to pass the time, but okay
I don't think you need "house's" because I think that'll be obvious.
I think "unless you were Curi" could be its own sentence.
So how many people are here? Curi only mentions the Digi's it also feels like there are more than just the digi's here.
This line read a little confusing to me.
This also feels very out of the blue. Why does he seem like he has a few stories?
I think you could do more with this transition. I think this is what confused me about how the dinner party escalated because I was confused that she fell asleep and some time went by. She fell asleep to the story?
If they're in the living room, then where is she?
I had a really hard time following the Digi's argument. It might be the way you chose to write their dialogue, I don't know, it was hard for me to follow and understand the argument.
Since when have there been peanut jars on the table?
I think overall on this prologue, I want more description. I don't have a firm feeling of place and I don't feel like I'm in the scene with the character. Even though this is third limited and through a child's eyes, it can still be a rich descriptive experience, you know? It didn't quite feel like telling, but it also didn't quite feel like smooth, descriptive prose. I'm also really wondering what happened to this Wolfeman person and if he's going to turn up again!
Chapter 1
I feel like this sentiment was covered in the prologue.
I took what she said as sarcasm or a joke - I thought that was pretty clear, so I'm a little confused about why he gets so serious and defensive about it.
I think there was a spot earlier where there was a thought from Curi that you didn't put in quotes. Personally, I think thoughts in italics work the best and distinctly show thoughts, but you'll have to decide how you want to show thoughts and then stick with that throughout.
The last segment of this chapter felt redundant and I didn't feel like the plot advanced because it was a re-telling of what happened in the prologue plus a few extras. I don't think you need it. I'm wondering if there will be any aspects of plot outside of dinner parties. I think the dinner party thing is interesting and it's obviously a major part of the plot seeing as it's called the Dreaded Dinner Party, but I want there to be more layers to the plot than just the dinner party stuff.
Overall, I think the writing itself is fine and I didn't notice too many grammatical errors. I'm still trying to get a feel for who Curi is and what her personality is like. So far she's only really talked about her feelings about her parent's dinner parties, and I feel like I have a handle on that pretty well. I want to learn about other aspects of her life and find out who she is as a person so I can feel for her and root for her. I know it's still early in the story and for all I know you have all of that planned out, but it's something to be mindful of. I'd also be curious to learn more about these parents of hers. Why are they so into dinner parties? What is the purpose of all of these parties and why do they insist on Curi being at all of them? Are the unaware of how much she dislikes them or do they not care?
I'm definitely curious to see where you're going to take this! I'm going to leave things there for now and hop on over to the next chapter tomorrow, but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
Thanks a bunch, Carlito! I will try to add more description/details during the dinner party. Detailed writing is something I seriously have to work on. It's nice to have another pair of eyes reading because I honestly didn't notice the continuity errors or how out of the blue some things are
Also, Curi was serious about the kids' table. I will make that clearer.
Well, writing a review, as asked. My first thought (yesterday, not today) was that this was more than a little confusing.
I guess that was because I was very tired. Rereading it today on a fresh note and a fresh mind I thought it was good. Simple, effective and good.
The prologue was a bit cluttered, very difficult to follow, but the part after that was good enough to even that out.
The only main problem I had with this was that you threw just too many characters at us in a very short period of time and that felt quite rushed to be honest.
But maybe it is just my personal problem and other writers-artists-readers will not have the same kind of feeling about this,who knows. (I do however notice that marmalade noted that exact same problem, so it would seem I am not the only one who thinks that.)
I liked the setup, very familiar and very simple. I think a lot of people can relate to having that one dinner party that they don't want to attend but still have do because family and respect and reasons. The characters were, IMHO, a tad flat, but again some other person might not have that many problems with it, I dunno.
The descriptions weren't as good as they could be, use more words. Let the imagination of the reader go wild while thinking about the way their world looks. Even if they live in a very familiar setting, the imagery could still be very and very vivid. Use words that will build entire streets and lands before our gaze.
I think it would be better if the prologue was a little longer, to show how these people, the main characters of our story, have grown over the years and the ways they interact with each other. That would also help to build their personalities and shape the way we will see them in future chapters.
I found no grammar errors, but my english is mediocre, if not sub-par, so maybe someone else will notice more.
Shima over and out.
Thanks Shima for reviewing! I notice a pattern now from a lot of reviewers that I need to add more details. So, I will do just that, and, as much as I love Wolfeman, I might consider taking him out the prologue. I will have to do some real thinking on that.
Hey Dest! I'm here to do that review you requested. If you finish reading this review and have still have questions feel free to PM me or just comment your questions below. Thanks for requesting a review!
Okay so I didn't find many grammar issues which is great. I didn't really like the beginning. It seemed a little...boring, I guess. It didn't hook me or make me want to read more which I think the first paragraph should. The first few paragraphs are you just describing what's happening and not really the scene. What do the rooms look like? Also you've introduced a bunch of people and I'm not quite sure who they all are.
That's not a question.
So far I've noticed that you're dialogue is very good but you lack in imagery. You describe things very matter-of-factly and rather boringly. I think adding more color and describing things with metaphors and similes would fix this problem. Don't just say things are they are. Details! Don't just say she's wearing a purple gradient dress, really describe it. How is it hugging her body? How is she standing? What does she look like (insert simile or metaphor).
Which liquid? Champagne? Red wine? Rosé? Details!
If they're drinking red wine you can say "red stained lips" since red wine tends to stain your mouth if you drink a lot of it (I'm pretty sure at least, I'm only 15).
You forgot the end quotation.
This should be "is" since it's in italics that means it's her thoughts in the moment.
I don't think an adult would use the word "dummy" and this paragraph should be separate since it's two different characters speaking.
I'm going to point out again that there are too many characters and it's confusing. There are all these names and I don't know who is who.
So I'm a bit confused after the break. I'm thinking maybe that should be the prologue or the first chapter (the few years later). I'm guessing the breaks are in the present, but I'm not sure. I find this really confusing and I think you need to clarify this. Because I'm really not sure.
I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't particularly like this chapter. I found it long and confusing and though I did like the dialogue and felt was your strongest point, you were greatly lacking in the other areas. There was a lot of telling what you were showing and though that's better than just telling me "Mary Sue was angry" when you showed it was bland and lacked imagery. When I'm reading a novel I want to feel like I'm there. I want it to be easy to read but not simple. I found not only was your imagery simple but also the way you told the story confusing. I do like the plot and think you can improve this and turn it into something really great, but for now I didn't enjoy this read.
marmalade
Thank you for reviewing. I have a lot to work on, but this helps a lot! I will also make the beginning part into the prologue.