z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dreaded Dinner Party Chapter 3

by Dest


Chapter Three

The Mexican restaurant wasn't particularly new, but it was clean, cheap, and the food tasted good. It had an orange theme and a large painted mural of girls dancing in long skirts, behind the cash register. The restaurant could not be considered flashy but accessorized its appearance with artwork. The chairs were painted orange with black Spanish words and small pictures, decorating the wood. Faint but festive music played in the background. The smell of spices greeted Curi before anything else. She had been here a few times, but the delightful smell greeted her like a new friend. On the far side of the building, in the open kitchen area, she could see uniformed workers beginning to cook.

A blue-eyed woman, the cashier, rang up an order in rapid Spanish, or at least what sounded rapid to Curi's ears. She could only catch a sentence or two, but she felt proud for understanding what little she did.

The cashier noticed them waiting at the counter. “Hi! What can I get you?” She pulled out a notepad and removed the pen from her ear.

Mom ordered and the cashier asked if they wanted drinks.

Her mom ordered sweet tea for the two of them, as Curi and she were the only tea-drinkers of the house.

“Taveo, what you want?”

“Water—” he began, “—With lemon,” he dramatically finished.

The woman rang up their order and Mom only then began to look for her debit card.

Curi sighed and tried to look occupied doing anything. It always gave her a surge of anxiousness every time her mom waited until the point of checkout to look for her card. There had been many times where things had to embarrassingly be put on layaway in front of an entire line until Mom could get her money together or a card declined. Thankfully, Curi could exhale as her mom found the card in record time.

“Your drinks will be out shortly,” the cashier, Annita, told them with a smile. Of course, Mom smiled wider. You just couldn’t out smile Essence Andrews.

Curi saw a tall uniformed man with three glasses on a plate. The sound of ice jiggling around amplified by how few people were inside the restaurant so early. The man had a slim physique and smelled of lemon.

“Thank you,” Curi said. She grabbed the glass handed to her, drinking in the sweet flavor. Taveo gave a nod as his form of thanks. When her mom reached for her glass, her infamous pig squeal returned.

“EEEEE! Guillermo, is that you? Guilly!”

Smile lines appeared on the man's hairless face. His ebony hair was styled akin to a superhero with a spiraled curve down the middle. Who was this guy?

Curi looked at Taveo who only shrugged. Obviously, Taveo cared more about finishing his water than who was in front of him.

“Ahh, Essie? I haven’t seen you since college!” the man exclaimed.

Her mom grasped her head as if the touch alone would regain all the lost memories. “Guilly, do you remember how De'ron and I were both trying to be engineers, but I changed my major like five times!”

His raucous laughter made the walls vibrate. “Essie, you were in college so long we all thought you would graduate as a centenarian!”

“Guills, how do you know I’m not a hundred years old now? I stay looking young.” Mom puffed out her lip.

The two adults both laughed. Nostalgia held them both tightly in his grip.

“Why is your Mom flirting with him?” Taveo whispered to Curi. Curi glared at him, hoping he would get the message. Of course, he was too dense to pick up on body language.

She shushed him,“Quiet, Taveo no one has time for you.”

“Essie,” Guillermo called to her mom. “It was fate, us meeting again. This time I will make sure to say everything I didn't before without regrets.”

“Ma’am, your order is ready!” A worker came out from a back room with food packaged in a cardboard bag.

“Guilly, it was great catching up with you if only for a moment. I had completely lost contact with you after college. Please come to my husband’s and my party!” She handed yet another invitation from her purse to the man.

Guillermo waved goodbye to them and even offered to take their food to the car. Not once did he ever notice Taveo or her. He seemed mesmerized by their mom.

“What did that guy mean by telling you everything with no regrets?” Taveo questioned. If no one else had noticed he had picked up on that tidbit.

“Lord knows what! Guilly has always been terrible expressing himself. I think that's why he became a cook. So, he wouldn't have to figure anyone out, but just follow the recipe.”

“Mom, was he an old boyfriend?” Curi asked, still drinking tea. She had gotten a refill before leaving not that her mom or Mister Guillermo paid attention.

“No, he was a tutor of mine that I ended up becoming friends with since he never helped me cheat. I admired his integrity not to mention he used to share his ramen noodles and care packages with me.”

Curi didn't know what to think of her Mom's old college friend. It didn't really concern her either way. One thing was for sure, she hadn't met all her mom's friends yet. Her mom reminded her of their neighbor Toki because they both seemed to smile effortlessly and accumulate friends.

-----

Much later in the day, Curi laid on her bed, reading a book when her mom called her. She sighed because she knew would not be able to finish the chapter. Resigned to her fate, she placed a bookmark in her spot.

“Curi, the neighbor’s son is at the door,” her mom’s voice rang loud and clear. “I think he wants to talk to you.”

Toki!

He probably had gotten lost and found her house by mistake. If she were a good neighbor or potential friend, she should have shown him around the neighborhood. He was so outgoing that he had probably ventured out to the rest of the streets by himself. Curi could still remember their first meeting, which wasn’t many months ago. It had been a Saturday after she had come home from art class. Taveo had pointed out a moving van, and her forever friendly mom, Essence encouraged their family to bring a gift and say hi.

“Nanay!” A thin boy with gangling arms and legs called to his mother. The boy wore a loose red and white shirt and black gym pants and sneakers. He had noticeable dimples on his tanned face, and his dark hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat. He carried more boxes into his new house.

“Of all the days for the moving company to not come,” he had sighed. “Well, at least the sun's shining brightly.” As he locked eyes with Curi, he seemed surprised but waved. Curi immediately directed her eyes elsewhere out of awkwardness.

“Hello, are you our new neighbors?” Her mom had asked him, thrusting a red plant into the boy’s hands. She reached him first, having out-ran her family in the quest of friendliness.

The neighbor's house looked identical to the rest of the homes in the neighborhood except for the boxes that littered the lawn.

“Yes, we are the Kisaragis! My name’s Toki! My parents and I just moved in today though we have been checking out this property for a while.” He had accepted the plant with honest gratitude though Curi didn’t know why any teen would be happy with it.

“This is my husband, De’ron, my son, Taveo, and my daughter, Aucuria. Aucuria, introduce yourself!” Her mom’s expression blatantly read that day as “you better be friendly.” The narrowed eyes and shameless head thrust in the boy's direction emphasized it.

“Hi, I am Aucuria like she said. Nice to meet you,” Curi said politely. Her eyes searched for anything disapproving about him but could only find his smile.

“So, you live near here?” He had already addressed his question to only her. Toki picked up a shovel that lay on the lawn and stood it up to lean against.

She gave a nod while she rubbed her hand. Thinking she should actually voice that, she said,“Yeah, I live down the road from you.”

“Duh, it makes sense that you are walking distance from my house. We are neighbors!” Toki laughed. “Sorry if I am a little slow today.” He seemed to have a jolly personality.

Curi saw her mom and dad walk toward what she had presumed were his parents, an extremely short woman with round cheeks and a tall, well-dressed man.

Toki must have caught where her eyes had been directed.

“Looks like you saw my parents. They are a good-looking couple, aren’t they? Don't you think so? My dad met my mom over in the Philippines, and then she met him again in Japan when she was on vacation. They met up again at random in the states. They said they couldn’t run away from each other so they might as well get married, which is oddly the most romantic thing they have ever done.”

“That is so adorable.” Curi genuinely smiled. She was a bit of a romantic. “What a cute story your parents have!”

“Yeah, they still hold hands even now.” He paused for a moment. “It's utterly disgusting,” he laughed.

Curi gave a little smile. She thought it was funny but not enough to laugh out loud. She hoped he hadn't minded.

“By the way, this is my brother, Taveo.” She gestured toward her older brother. She didn't want Taveo to feel left out though he was preoccupied with his phone. He gave a nod to Toki and shook his hand, returning to his device.

“I know! I heard your mom when she introduced him,” Toki said kindly. “We are around the same age, right? Anyone else near our age here?”

“Uh, I don't know I haven't talked to the other teens in our neighborhood. There is a guy named Cooleo, who is... cool. You two might get along.” She didn't want to portray Cooleo in a bad light, but she wouldn't lie either.

“Cool! You're one of the first people I have met here. He's probably just as nice! Isn't that right?”

Curi nodded, fighting off a smirk. If Toki managed to meet Cooleo, he could make his own interpretation.

“Wonderful! If you ever need something don't hesitate to visit and ask,” Mom said, finished welcoming his parents.

“I will be holding you guys to that. Bye Mr. Andrew and Mrs. Andrews, Taveo, and Aucuria!” Toki returned to help his family with furnishing their house.

It felt weird to hear someone other than her mom call her by her complete first name, and even then her mom called her Curi often. She did wave at Toki, so as not to be rude.

“Did he really have to say it the long way? “Goodbye Andrews” would have been quicker,” Curi whispered to Taveo on the walk back.

“Are you trying to find a reason not to like him? Toki seems like a nice guy though maybe too cheerful. I think he's got one of those kind spirits people are drawn towards.”

“No, I thought he was nice and really friendly for a newcomer...” she mumbled. His ease of friendliness made her feel a momentary wave of jealousy but she did not dislike him.

“Good. We're probably going to see him real soon,” Taveo predicted.

---

In the present time, Toki came to cash in that favor. Curi walked out of her room not sure what to expect. He had on loose clothing and the same sneakers he had worn during their introduction.

“Hey, Aucuria, my mom wants me to run to the store, but the problem is I don’t know where it is. Do you think you could walk with me?” He sat cross-legged on the living room couch, obviously having waited for her.

“Oh, Tiki—“ Her mom began.

“Toki. Toki Kisaragi, ma'am,” he corrected.

“Yes, Toki, I could give you a ride if it’s okay with your family,” Mom said. She made a stretch toward her keys on the coffee table.

He shook his head. “No thank you, Ms. Andrews, I could actually use my phone for directions, but this is a great excuse to see more places on the way! Sometimes, I feel like the only places I have been to are school and home.”

Mom hummed for a moment, in thought. She called her son from the dining room. “Taveo, go with your sister and the neighbor's son to the store!”

“Why can't they go by themselves?” Taveo whined. “I just got my phone charged!” The death stare Mom sent his way shut him up, and he was forced to go with them.

Taveo walked much faster than the both of them. Curi couldn't tell if he actively tried to get away from them, though she could see him blocks away, or if he didn't realize his longer legs covered more distance than theirs. This left her alone with Toki who she was still getting to know.

It had been a while with them walking in silence and the sun at their backs. Well, silence if she blocked out the car noises and the construction sites.

“You're awfully quiet,” Toki acknowledged.

A bit caught off guard, she shrugged. “What's there to say?”

“Cottage cheese.” A stupid grin emerged onto his face and he smirked at her reaction.

“Toki.” She didn't know why she suddenly said his name, but how else could she respond to his silly statement. Inside, she wished she could think of something interesting to say so maybe they could get a conversation going. She honestly didn't mind the quiet, but Toki seemed like the talkative type and no noise might have been too awkward or boring for him. Maybe he felt uncomfortable?

Toki stopped walking.

The wind blew a tuft of her thick, kinky hair into her face.

“Not used to walking with a boy somewhere by yourself?” He asked seriously. He kept his tone gentle so it didn't come off as an interrogation.

“No!” Curi sputtered. She felt embarrassed that he had figured out an unspoken part of her quietness stemmed from not knowing what to say to him and her lack of being around boys, not that she was counting Cooleo.

Toki's eyes had amusement in them. “I'm pretty sure I'm right on the money. I'm probably standing on Lincoln's nose right now.” He started to walk again, trying to keep up with her pace. “Don't be self-conscious though if it makes you feel better you can go back to ignoring me.” She would later learn Toki liked having someone to talk to, especially a person he didn't know well.

Choosing to change the subject, Curi asked him,“So, what did we come to the store to get?”

“Two bags of trail mix. We will probably eat one bag on the way back though. Mom doesn't have to know.”

“DANG!” Curi exclaimed.

His thin eyebrows raised and he cocked his head to the side.

She continued. “So you guys do like nuts!”

“Nuts?” He repeated, confused.

She sighed but began to explain, “Originally, my mom wanted to give your family a bag of pecans as a gift, but she was concerned someone could have been allergic to nuts so she gave the plant instead.”

“What if we had been allergic to plants or nice people?” he joked.

“Then you would have died an ugly death,” Curi said in an ominous tone. Maybe she was finally catching onto his odd humor. She wiggled her fingers in a dramatic fashion that made Toki choke on his gum in laughter. Well, she had never claimed to be a great actor.

He teased her. “So, you do talk.”

“I am never shy. I just gotta have something to say.” She gave a small smile.

They passed by the plaza's cake shop which meant the grocery store was nearby. Taveo had most likely beaten them there because she could no longer see him ahead.

What else did she want to say to him, or better yet what did she want to learn?

“Toki, is Toki your nickname? Do you have any siblings?”

“Whoa? Is this twenty questions?”

She frowned a bit. So much for light conversation. “No, it isn't but I don't know a lot about you.”

He shook his head amused.

“I'm only messing with you. Loosen up!” He nudged her gently and put on a pompous tone. “Well, I don't usually do interviews, but I will make an exception. I figured my name would be something like Tokeishiro but nope! My first name's only Toki. It's like being a John but not a Jonathan, you know? For your other question, I am an only child.”

“What's that like?”

They had reached the grocery store, and Curi saw Taveo busy in the bakery section, looking for sweets to buy. He wasn't always so healthy.

They walked down the canned soups aisle. “I don't know. My cousins were always over my house, even now, so it's always felt like I had siblings.”

“That's a nice feeling,” she agreed, nodding her head though Toki was in front of her. On the shelves, after the canned soups came oatmeal and porridge.

“It really is...” Toki's voice trailed off, appearing to remember a family memory.

“Well, most of the time,” they both finished in unison.

Family was nice, but it reminded her of dinner parties. During their walk, Curi had almost forgotten about the approaching event. She hoped she could find a way to avoid it.

Her eyes scanned the snack aisle for assorted trail mixes. Toki had wandered off to the next aisle. When she found them, she pointed them out to him.

“Gee, thanks, Aucuria. I got distracted thinking about my little cousins, and then your brother came by to say he bought us doughnuts.”

Taveo read a random magazine at the checkout counter, and the clerk placed the doughnuts in a secured reusable bag.

Yum, doughnuts! Curi cheered inside her head.

Toki pulled out a wrinkled ten-dollar bill and bought two packages of trail mixes. He scooped a handful of nuts, berries, and chocolates into his mouth. He offered some to Taveo who turned it down and Curi who accepted with gratitude.

Leaving the grocery store, Taveo didn't out-walk them and stayed with them. He tapped away on his phone subconsciously removing himself from any conversation.

“Aucuria—” Toki started cautiously.

She nodded her head as if to say keep going and grabbed another handful of nuts.

“Can I call you Curi or Curi-Curi?”

Curi decided then that she liked his easy-going personality and his willingness to share food.

----

It wasn't until she returned home, put on her pajamas, and got ready for bed that it hit her. She spent most of the afternoon with Toki without mentioning the dinner party to him.

Maybe it was better this way. Toki would be a rookie coming into the Andrews party-chaos. Cooleo, she thought, could handle it but not jolly Toki. She would hate for that to become the first time his almost permanent smile disappeared because of her parents' unruly party. Despite her sympathy, she snickered at the hypothetical scenario that the party would traumatize him enough to move away. Not that she had anything against him, but it was a realistic outcome.

She heard her Mom's screech, which broke her daydream.

“What do you mean you left them alone? With a boy, we don't even know well alone while you sprinted ahead! What's wrong withcha? Taveo!” Her mom's yelling and her dad hitting him with accusatory questions had Taveo hemmed up in a corner. Curi was glad she wasn't him with their parents tag-teaming. The couple was far worse than twenty questions.

Not that she even wanted to stay up to hear the rest of her brother being lectured, but she had to get some sleep at a decent hour. It was only 11:59 pm. Tomorrow was another day closer to the party. She pulled her fluffy covers up to her shoulders and went to sleep.


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Wed Jun 14, 2017 10:46 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey again,

Nit-picks:

restaurant wasn't fairly new

This seems an odd way to phrase this. I'd expect something like "restaurant wasn't particularly new". It seems odd to point out that something was not at the moderate stage of something.

It always gave her a surge of anxiousness every time her mom waited

"anxiety" unless that's just what Curi calls it.

“Why is your Mom flirting with him?” Taveo whispered to Curi.

Wait, is she not Taveo's mum too?

Her mom reminded her of their neighbor Toki because they both seemed to have many friends.

That wasn't the most interesting payout for a comparison ever. It's like saying "as big as a big thing".

She did wave at Toki, so as not to be rude.


No thank you, Ms. Andrews I could actually use my phone for directions

There should either be a full stop or a comma after "Andrews".

Next nit-pick is gonna involve two quotes:
She honestly didn't mind the quiet, but Toki seemed like the talkative type and no noise might have been too awkward or boring for him. Maybe he felt uncomfortable?

and
Toki liked having someone to talk to, especially a person he didn't know well, but he didn't want to disturb her.

In the first of these, you have a thought directly from inside Curi's mind. In the second, we have a detail that comes from Toki, that would not have been inside Curi's mind at that time. Curi could have learnt that later, but since the thought from her mind is in the form of a question, it at least immediately sounds like it is immediate and something she is thinking at the time (because the chances are the question would have been answered after time had passed). This creates a dissonance that breaks the immersion, but can be fixed if you make a choice between limited 3rd person (the former) and omniscient 3rd person (the latter).

Overall:

Character: I don't get much more about any of the existing characters here, which is fine since you've introduced a new character. I think he's my favourite character you've introduced, but I might have a bias to people with slightly odd senses of humour who rarely stop smiling xD I think you display him well and like the way he thinks about something we don't know. It makes him seem human and not just a picture that your words have painted of how he seems to Curi.

Setting: This wasn't overly necessary here, but would have been nice to have a bit more at the grocery store. If it was busy, maybe she'd have felt even more awkward having to talk loudly to say anything to him, and therefore feeling like anything she said had to be even more interesting? If it was quiet maybe that helped her.

Plot: Ok, I'm starting to understand properly how literal the title is. I wonder if that means the last chapter is the dinner party, although actually I imagine it would be more like a Part 1 - Dread, Part 2 - Dinner Party type thing. I think the fact that you keep introducing more characters is interesting, and something I like doing, but I know from experience that not everybody likes that. Still, you've got a fan for that in me, and presumably I'm not the only one, so maybe you just have to find the right audience for these things.

Flow: Sometimes you use commas in odd places. It doesn't seem to be systematic so it would be really tiresome to nit-pick. Just say some of your sentences that have commas out loud every so often and see if they sound quite right.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Dest says...


Very helpful! I made those changes, and I tried to take out some un-needed commas. Glad you like Toki.

Ah, Taveo's comment is like the stereotypical joke parents do when one of their children is in trouble. Like, "Oh, your son got in trouble at school." Essence is his mom too.



ExOmelas says...


Ah, I see. Fair enough :)



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Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:10 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! Jumping right in again! :D

Mom ordered and the cashier asked if they wanted drinks.

Her mom ordered sweet tea for the two of them, as Curi and she were the only tea-drinkers of the house.

This could be shown. Even if it's not the most interesting information in the world and you're trying to get the scene moving, dialogue shows personality and I need personality so I can start to get to know your characters.

There had been many times where things had to embarrassingly be put on layaway in front of an entire line until Mom could get her money together, or a card declined.

I thought this was an interesting little detail. I assumed because of all of the dinner parties and things that this was a family of wealth. I kind of like that they're not because it adds an interesting dimension - do their party guests know they struggle with money?

“What did that guy mean by telling you everything with no regrets?” Taveo questioned. If no one else had noticed he had picked up on that tidbit.

“Lord knows what! Guilly has always been terrible expressing himself. I think that's why he became a cook. So, he wouldn't have to figure anyone out, but just follow the recipe.”

“Mom, was he an old boyfriend?” Curi asked, still drinking tea. She had gotten a refill before leaving not that her mom or Mister Guillermo paid attention.

Who says that middle line? Does the mom get back into the conversation? I think I mentioned this in my previous review, but sometimes I have a difficulty time following the dialogue and knowing who is talking. I think the dialogue could be beefed up a lot more with descriptions and thoughts and things of that nature. I think I linked dialogue articles you in the last review, so I won't do that again here. It's a tough thing to do, so don't get discouraged!

Curi didn't know what to think of her Mom's old college friend. It didn't really concern her either way. One thing was for sure, she hadn't met all her mom's friends yet. Her mom reminded her of their neighbor Toki because they both seemed to have many friends.

Have I mentioned yet how much I love thoughts? Well, I love thoughts! Here you have a great start at some inner monologue, but I think it could be beefed up a lot more. What doesn't concern her either way? How did she perceive or what did she think of their conversation? What does she think about the invitation? Why does it matter that she hasn't met all of her mom's friends yet? Why would she assume she had? How does her mom remind her of this neighbor? And have we met this neighbor yet, so will we understand the comparison? There are a lot of little thoughts in this current paragraph, and it starts to feel a little jumpy in my opinion. I think you could slow down and expand it and really show the steady thought stream.

For the first time since she had met Toki, she saw another expression on his face beside happy. He looked surprised at her outburst. His thin eyebrows were raised and he cocked his head to the side.

This can be simplified a lot. There's a lot of telling about what she saw and then finally in the last sentence we see what she sees. You only need that last sentence.


I liked that this chapter included some plot elements that didn't have as much to do with the dinner party. Obviously the dinner party was still mentioned and part of the plot, but like I said in the last review about having more going on than just the dinner party - I spoke too soon because you've started to do that in this chapter :) I hope a little love story brews out of this because I'm a sucker for love stories :p

I don't have a lot of new things to add that I haven't mentioned in previous reviews so I apologize that this might be a shorter review. To me, it's missing an emotional element. I feel like we're going through the motions - there's dialogue, you describe some action, more dialogue, more action. All of that is fine, but I'm waiting for some oomph. Have I linked you this article yet about breathing emotion into scenes? That might be helpful to you. Once you have a look at that, peruse through the description section of the knowledge base (if you haven't already) and see if there are any other articles there that are helpful to you. I know I've mentioned this before, but I seriously reference and use articles to help with my writing weekly!

I think you have an interesting idea and a good start, and the biggest thing you can do to propel your writing to the next level is to work on adding emotion and oomph to your scenes. It's hard to do, and it takes practice, so don't give up! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you want feedback about that I didn't already mention! :D




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Thu Feb 02, 2017 11:01 pm
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shima wrote a review...



Can I start with something completely out of the blue ? What is up with all of these weird names ? I know a couple of things about english naming conventions and I am pretty sure Curi or Toki are not typical US or British names. The first is the name of a witch from a polish fantasy game with copious amounts of sex and blood (no, wait, that was Ciri), not the name of a teenage girl living in the suburbs. Does the story take place somewhere else than the US or GB and I missed that part ? Or does it have some hidden meaning that you name all the characters like that ? That could confuse some folks.
So yeah, IMHO, you should change the names a little.

On to the plot of the chapter.

More characters - IMHO, that is a bad thing. We have barely met Curi and you are already throwing all these extra people at us. That is not needed. Establish her, her backstory, her motivations, why she is like that, all that noize. Make the character interesting and relatable and then start with expanding the cast, not the other way around.

The pacing, was, once more, very good and calm. I liked it. It seems that you finally have found the way that the character should behave and the speed at which the events should occur. Congrats.

The extra characters, were,like I said, not needed and I (IMHO) thought that they were useless and boring. Don't need them, expect if they will play a larger role in future chapters.

Then maybe yes, but once more - history and backstory.

We need to know what they think, what their relationship is with the lead and why they behave in the ways they do. That all is very and very important and it looks like you sometimes forget that.
That could lead to some complications in the future if you don't take the time that would be needed to juggle all of these people and making them play an equal role in the story.
Unless if they are side characters, but then again - what is the actual need. It doesn't seem that we learn a lot about the lead through her interaction with them so it would seem that they are nothing but a waste of paper.
Of course if you modify them and make them be more attractive and make them reflect the main lead then it would be better. Haven't seen that to this point.

The descriptions became bland in this chapter, which is a bad thing. It seemed that you have the way to do it in the last one, but it seems that you have lost it once more here.
Try to be more creative and try to make them spring to life from the page. For example - you mention a mexican restaurant. What color do the walls have ? What does the main character think about that color ? What does it smell like ? And etc. I think you get what I am saying.

Again - no obvious spelling mistakes, which is always a plus.

Mikhail over and out.




Dest says...


I will definitely work on my detail and character interaction. Toki and Cooleo are Curi's (almost) friends, so I would say they are main characters. There's only one more character introduction, who is a one-off character to introduce a plot point (I know, I know so many characters >.<).



Dest says...


Oh yeah- I honestly just like unique names. Curi's short for Aucuria. I knew someone with that name, and I fell in love with it ever since. Also, there are a few people of Asian descent named Toki. I don't think the names will be a problem.



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shima says...



Apparently I am so tired that I forgot to push to "review" button. Sadly I can't delete this post, so a repost above.




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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Allo. Haven't read previous parts, just going off what I see here.

So, first things first: PoV focus. In eight paragraphs, there are three separate terms to describe the mother: Mom, "her mother", and Ms. Andrews. While it feels really important to get every name out in relation to the character, it's equally as important to keep coherency so readers know who's who. By constantly switching what the same person is called, it gets really hard to follow.

I also noticed several dialogue capitalization errors, where there are capitals where they don't belong. Namely:

“Water,” Hhe began, “…Wwith lemon,” he dramatically finished.


“Ahh, Essie? I haven’t seen you since college!” Tthe man exclaimed.


There are more throughout. Check out this article for grammar and capitalization rules around dialogue.

Also, the majority of the dialogue starts a new paragraph. It gets really monotonous to read a quotation mark starting everything, and in a lot of places it veers into talking heads. By only relying on how people say the words, we're missing out on a major way to characterize them: body language. By not having them act out anything, we lose a sense of who they are, who they could be, and how they relate to each other. Spoken words only go so far.

All in all, this was rough. There's the bones of what should be there, which is great! Rough drafts exists for a reason, and that reason is to get everything out in the open. Now that there's a draft, you can refine it farther to include body language and really get a sense of who everyone is in their actual physical reality.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




Dest says...


Hi. Thanks for the review. ^^
The articles you linked seem helpful, so I will look into them more closely later. Was there any section in particular that drifted into a talking-heads territory? I'm going to look over all the dialogue but knowing where to start would help. Thanks again



Rosendorn says...


The later in the chapter you go, the more talking heads it gets.

At the start, there's at least some description that goes along with the dialogue (even if I do wish you'd switch up and put some description before the dialogue, within the same paragraph). But nearer the end we get stuff like this:

%u201CWhat's that like?%u201D

They had reached the grocery store, and Curi saw Taveo busy in the bakery section, looking for sweets to buy. He wasn't always so healthy.

%u201CI don't know my cousins were always over my house, even now, so it's always felt like I had siblings.%u201D

%u201CThat's a nice feeling,%u201D she agreed.

%u201CIt really is...%u201D Toki's voice trailed off, appearing to remember a family memory.

%u201CWell, most of the time,%u201D they both finished in unison.


It's a tricky thing to really get a feel for%u2014 I'd suggest looking at published works to see how they handle dialogue, and actually building characters around how they give dialogue in their body language. You do have to do some thinking, especially if you've never really considered a character's body language before.



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Tue Jan 24, 2017 12:24 am
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rosette wrote a review...



Aaaand....she's back for more! (geez louise, i feel like i'm the only person reviewing this story!) But whateves...on to the good stuff:

The story, I've noticed, is taking more shape. Curi's crazy mother is meeting/reuniting with people everywhere and, of course, inviting them to the Dreaded Dinner Party . Its making more sense, things are unfolding, but I am (of course) here to review...
I found some things a little unnecessary such as your inserting of this whole dialogue on meeting Toki; and then, when they left the Mexican restaurant there is yet again another long conversation ending with Essence announcing: Let's take these tacos inside the house... . When did they even get in the car and drive off?? Suddenly, I read, they're just home! Later on, Toki comes over, asking for a companion because his mother wants him to go shopping. Yet on the walk there when asked what the mission was, Toki says: “Trail mix. We will probably eat it all on the way back, though.” His mother sent him to get trail mix they would just eat on the way back? hmmmmm

Now, here are just some highlights I have decided to point out:

Her mother ordered sweet tea for the two of them, as Curi and she was the only tea-drinkers of the house.


Quick note on this sentence: "...as Curi and she were the only tea-drinkers..." since we're speaking of two people here. There were a couple other mistakes I noticed, as well.

He wore a loose red and white shirt and black gym pants and sneakers. He had noticeable dimples on his tanned face, and his dark hair plastered to his forehead with sweat. He carried more boxes into his new house.


So we have three statements here beginning with the word "He". A little unh-maybe-you-should-switch-it-up in my opinion, but like I say, JUST my opinion. Also, perhaps you could say, "his dark hair was plastered to his forehead".

Not once did he ever notice Taveo or her. He seemed mesmerized by her mother.


Yes, it is Curi's mother, but in this case I think it might be better to say "by their mother" since you had just mentioned both Taveo and Curi.

“Don't be self-conscious though if it makes you feel better you can go back to ignoring me.”


Is it a question? Is it a fragment? Is it a sentence? No! Its a run-on! Okay, so its not huge but a little punctuation would help for it to come across better. "Don't be self-conscious - though, if it makes you feel better, you can go back to ignoring me."

I think I might have missed some other things I wanted to point out, but for now, this is it! I'm super impressed with no spelling errors (but you seem to do well at that) and so far, I'm enjoying the story.
Good luck in your future works Dest & keep writing. :)
Adios,
ChickyKid




Dest says...


Thanks pkidchick! I'm not the best with grammar and it's something I need to actively work on. Your reviews are super helpful because they give me an idea of what to cut or rewrite. I hadn't noticed the continuity error with the trail mix!



rosette says...


You're welcome! ;) I honestly didn't notice the trail mix thing until I went back over the story to see if I'd missed anything. XD




My one true aspiration in life is to make it into the quote gen.
— avianwings47