z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

So It Begins... (Chapter 1)

by DerpyMay


     "Hey.... Mommy?" I asked Mommy as I tucked her apron. Mommy stopped her continuous movement of cutting fresh turnips with a pointy knife, tilted her head and said,"Yes, pumpkin love?"

Hesitating, I stared down at the taintless floor and took a deep breath before asking her again,

     "Is it normal to have a watch that tells you numbers apart from one to twelve?" Mommy plastered her usual sweet smile on her face and answered,

     "Are you questioning me nonsensical questions aga-"

     "You've got exactly seventy-seven hundred and forty-eight more hours to live, Mommy," I stuttered before leaving the kitchen. I heard the sound of the knife whack against the floor as Mommy's stare bore into my skull just before I headed to my bedroom on the second floor.



She probably had not believed a word I said; for because I was only seven that time. But on the other hand, her mind was filled with curiosity and wonders.

 Just like how I got the watch.

And how she saw herself in the watch lying on the hospital bed, catching her very last breath before the cardiac sinus rhythm went bleeeeeeeeep.

 


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Sat Jun 26, 2021 12:49 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well..this was quite a first chapter, it started out seeming quite innocent and then well, this one took a very rapid turn there...and that certainly made things very intriguing here. Well more details on all that down below!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Hey.... Mommy?" I asked Mommy as I tucked her apron. Mommy stopped her continuous movement of cutting fresh turnips with a pointy knife, tilted her head and said,"Yes, pumpkin love?"


Okay...that was a very wholesome start there, looks like its just a young child asking a question from her mother while they're cooking and well, for a first chapter, that's one of the most innocent scenes that I have personally witnessed. Well...starting things off with a smile here.

Hesitating, I stared down at the taintless floor and took a deep breath before asking her again,

"Is it normal to have a watch that tells you numbers apart from one to twelve?" Mommy plastered her usual sweet smile on her face and answered,


Hmm...taintless floor their sounds a little weird to me...I don't know if its wrong in some way or if it just sounds weird, but it just doesn't seem like the way that you'd describe a floor in a situation like that...that aside though...well it looks just like another random innocent question from a child here...seems pretty normal so far here.

"Are you questioning me nonsensical questions aga-"

"You've got exactly seventy-seven hundred and forty-eight more hours to live, Mommy," I stuttered before leaving the kitchen. I heard the sound of the knife whack against the floor as Mommy's stare bore into my skull just before I headed to my bedroom on the second floor.


Well you can't fault the mother for reacting like that, although wow, that is a serious hazard to have a knife just drop to the floor there. At any rate, this is a serious bombshell that just appears completely out of nowhere in the middle of this very innocent seeming scene and well the way that she runs off there adds even more to how she got that information and why. That just seems like a very grave piece of news for a child to deliver quite as easily as this one did here....well...that certainly got my attention.

She probably had not believed a word I said; for because I was only seven that time. But on the other hand, her mind was filled with curiosity and wonders.

Just like how I got the watch.

And how she saw herself in the watch lying on the hospital bed, catching her very last breath before the cardiac sinus rhythm went bleeeeeeeeep.


Oh wow..well...that's a straight up death scene right there...and it looks like there's a bit of a flashback forward to a different time here. One on hand that is a bit of a sudden transition there from that scene in the past to a future self talking about it...but I think this one actually manages to work well enough here. Moving past that, well, that's some pretty heavy information there, realising that the child there is only seven for one...and then of course the fact this prediction is actually something that happens potentially. Certainly a very mysterious ending there to this first chapter...soo...I'd say this is a pretty well chosen ending here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, pretty solid first chapter here that you've got...I definitely would follow this story after seeing this as the first chapter. And well..that's about all I've gotta say here for now. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Nov 21, 2014 1:45 pm
DerpyMay says...



Okay, guys. I won't be able to upload chapter 2 due to some error in my laptop. Sorry! >.<
I'll upload it as soon as possible :3




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Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:48 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello there!

Mostly, I agree with what Cricket has already stated (and she took most of the nitpicks too... Leave some for the rest of us, Cricket!), so this review probably won't be all that long.

I have exactly one nitpick for you, and that is this bit here:

She probably had not believed a word I said; for because I was only seven that time. But on the other hand, her mind was filled with curiosity and wonders.
I'm confused about this, because 'wonder' implies a whimsical and good kind of curiosity, and I don't think the mother's thoughts on the kid's death-prediction would be like that. Also, you do not need to separate 'said' and 'because' with a semicolon. Just a comma will do.

Moving on, I agree with Cricket that the kid's take on the situation seems wrong. It's not a matter of coldness so much either, but the very fact that, even at seven, and without any experience, this kid knows what the number on the watch means. To be honest, I think he or she would need to see someone's time run out before understanding how the watch works.

Over all, this idea seems a lot like the story Numbers (Or on the cover, "Num8ers"). I do like that you've put a spin on it though, and look forward to seeing what implications a physical object has on the ability to know when a person will die.

Great job! I look forward to seeing you around YWS, and I'd like to know when you update this.

-Bug




DerpyMay says...


Ah, I never thought of those mistakes >-< Thanks for pointing it out. :3



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Thu Nov 20, 2014 12:46 pm
DerpyMay says...



I'm going to expand the amount of time the main character's mother is going live! So that it wouldn't have a tragic ending instead (oAo) (Please excuse my typing error xD I accidentally made the lifespan too short)




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Thu Nov 20, 2014 2:38 am
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Seeing as this is a shorter chapter, this will most likely be a shorter review, but we'll see how much I can crank out with this.

Firstly, I'd have to say I really enjoyed the suspense that you brought into it. Not often do you find a story where you're instantly drawn in through the first chapter, and I can say that I am definitely drawn into this one. I'm especially curious as to how this kid found the watch that can predict the future, and how the mother is going to handle this in the future. I, personally, would be freaking out and measuring out how many days that is, and then going to the church and so forth. Blah, blah, setting out some stuff for my death just in case it was true. Which, the mother probably doesn't believe it at the moment, but like you said, she is curious about it. I think the curiosity is going to turn into something else in the future, maybe some sort of panic but we'll see.

I'm not entirely sure, though, about this kid. Doesn't seem to really care about his mother. Most kids, if they had just found out that their mother was going to be dying soon, they would be acting pretty hysterical and emotional. At least that is the case with kids that I know and known. This kid on the other hand, is acting just cold. Like he was stating a fact in life. Obviously, this couldn't be your intention, I wouldn't think. I don't think anybody would try and present the MC (the kiddo) as someone who didn't really care about his mother. So yeah, just a little more emotion on that part. :D Hope that's helpful.

"Hey.... Mommy?" I asked Mommy as I tucked her apron. Mommy stopped her


What I noticed here, was that you used Mommy three times in one paragraph. In order to avoid the problem of redundancy, just read it aloud to yourself and the redundant parts will stick out.

"Is it normal to have a watch that tells you numbers apart from one to twelve?" Mommy plastered her usual sweet smile on her face and answered,

"Are you questioning me nonsensical questions aga-"


Just two or three problems with this one, really. Different speakers should be in different paragraphs. And also, when doing a dialogue tag before the actual dialogue, the dialogue follows directly after. One other thing that I noticed, would be the word questioning. I'd suggest getting rid of it, and just put asking instead. Flows smoother and makes more sense.

I heard the sound of the knife whack against the floor


Whack almost implies that someone was physically holding the knife and then hitting the floor with it. But if you say hit the floor then it doesn't. I believe you're implying that she dropped the knife, right?

for because I was


Get rid of that word, as it's unnecessary.

Alright, that's all for nitpicks! As I said earlier, this is a pretty short chapter, so this would be a pretty short review. Please let me know when you post the next chapter, as I'd be more than willing to review it for you. Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to expand more on this chapter in the future? Such as, more description, some characterization (a little would be better than what is here, really ;) ) and so forth. Try and work in some fillers and you'll have this doing great.

Let me know when you post next. ^ ^

Keep writing!

~Cricket




DerpyMay says...


Ahah, thanks a bunch! XD I'm still trying to improve my grammar.. so yeah :3 Thanks for pointing out the usage of my grammar :D If it's possible, I would try posting another chapter by today or tomorrow ^ ^



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Wed Nov 19, 2014 11:12 pm
Nikki399 says...



Okay :)

This is great, but I have two problems with it. Okay, 1. how did she get the watch and how does she know it tells you how long someone has to live? And 2. it's way too short!!! I just want read more :) Please write more soon!!! I will read it.




DerpyMay says...


Thanks for the feedback~ ^-^ The questions would be answered as soon as I find enough time to continue the stories c: The story was short because I was in a hurry that time xD



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Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:47 pm
Lovetswift1300 says...



OMG!!! That is amazing. Please continue writing this book. I have actually wondered before what would happen if this really did happen. Great job for actually writing something about it. Happy writing!!! I love this book so far and will continue reading it till the end.




DerpyMay says...


Thanks a lot for your feedback C: Glad to have a feedback like this for my first story~



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Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:07 pm
ThereseCricket says...



I can't review this at the moment, but I'm leaving a message to say that I will when I get the chance. This was great. ^ ^




DerpyMay says...


Thanks a lot! ^__^



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