[pre]Magitech
Tales of Vlora
Chapter 1
Vlora
Vlora raced down the large chrome corridor, avoiding crowds of civilians, knocking them over as she passed. Bullets zooming past her body hit many civilians sending them to the ground. She made a sharp turn to the corner on her right dodging a barrage of bullets. What awaited her around the corner surprised her, 10 soldiers stood in her way. She heard footsteps fading away. The men who were following her must have fled.
“Don’t fire until I give the signal,” said an armed soldier who stood with his men.
Her mind filled with thoughts, emotions. Was it fear, excitement, lust for blood? Vlora knew what it was; the will to survive. Vlora quickly put her left hand over her right wrist. A gem glowed in her hand and symbol appeared above her wrist. The symbol spun around in a circle, faster and faster. A bright light emitted from the symbol, she moved her hand forward down her hamd and into the air. A pistol appeared in her hand. She wrapped her hands around the silver gun and smirked.
“Fire at will men!”
Dozens of bullets flew at her. Taking notice she quickly put her left hand in front of her. The same symbol from before was like shield in front of her. Bullets smashed into it, causeing no harm to the shield or Vlora.
“Now I will show you the true power of Magitech!” Vlora screamed.
“You, go!” The general yelled at one of the soldiers. He charged Vlora with full force. A lust gleamed in her eyes, she was ready to kill. She quickly bent down and put the gun on the ground. Quickly she swiped her hands over both her feet. Symbols appeared on the souls of her shoes. Quickly she jumped into a back flip, as soon as her feet lined up with the ceiling she clung to it like a magnet. The soldier who was advancing toward her was now directly below her.
She had managed to grab the gun before clinging to the ceiling; she now had the pistol pointed right at the soldier from above. She fired three shots threw the man’s skull. Blood spilled from the spots of impact and the man fell to the ground.She jumped from the ceiling, landing on her hands and she rolled into a crouch. Standing up with the gun in her hand she spoke.
“Who is next?”
"Everyone attack at will!” the general said as he and the remaining 8 men charged her.
Vlora ran for the dark grey metal wall on the left side of the corridor. She placed her left hand on it creating a large symbol on the wall. The symbol spun with great furry and glowed red, Vlora took her hand off the symbol and backed away from the charging men. The soldiers were inches from the symbol on the wall, suddenly the symbol on the wall exploded with great force. The first few soldiers were blown back knocking down the others in the process.
Vlora stood on the other side of the explosion, her long brown hair blowing from the force of the explosion. The soldiers looked up to see her on the edge of the exploded wall. She waved and smiled as she dived out of the hole. The soldiers quickly stood up and looked out the new hole in the wall. Vlora was seen falling at least fifty stories into the street below. Vlora swiped her hands across her feet once again and forced herself to the side of the building.
Careful to not lose momentum she ran the side of the building. Windows smashing seconds after she stepped on them, glass falling to the street below her. Nearly to the bottom she jumped from the building and landed in the concrete alleyway below. She ran down the alleyway and out of the soldier’s sight.
Chapter 2
Shields
Coming Soon…..I Hope[/pre]
Just wanted everyone to know the first 3 chapters will be titled
1: Vlora
2: Shields
3: Zeroun
thease are the main characters and its kind of an intro to them
after thease chapter info will start flooding out and everything will become clearer
just be patient and wait XD
Thank You
Hi, really really liked this. I wrote a beginning chapter similar to this ags but nver developed on it.
I like the action that you can dive straight into and I genuinely couldnt stop reading it!
However, be careful on your grammar. Read through and check, you need to place a few question marks in places.
Also, when the general shouts everyon fire at at will, it doesnt sounds very realistic. Try and change that?
Keep it up, can't wait to read more.
By the way, love your avatar, Paramore rule!!!
Louisa
x
Hello Derek! This is much better than the last one. 
This is an interesting story idea, can't wait for chapter two! Anyways, here are my comments:
Either put 'Sending' or put 'and' before 'send'. Also, are the soldiers carrying Cannons? If those people are hurtling, then those are some powerful guns! 0.obody hit many civilians send them hurtling
Put this a line down.“Don’t fire until I give the signal,”
Before the word 'lust' put the word 'or'. Also, put the Question mark instead of a period.excitement, lust for blood.
You should change this sentence, try something like: Vlora knew what she felt: the need to survive.Vlora knew what it was; the will to survive is was she felt.
You should tell the reader more about this symbol, like what it looks like; but no info dumps!A gem glowed in her hand and symbol appeared above her wrist.
maybe: And caused no harm to the shield or Vlora. OR: causing no harm to the shield or Vlora.Bullets smashed into it, cause no harm to the shield or Vlora.
This sentence makes no sense.She fired three shots threw the man’s head.
She spoke.Standing up with the gun in her hand she said
This is a question, so put a Question Mark.“Who is next”
put a period, or exclamation mark."Everyone attack at will”
backed away from the charging men.and back away from the charging men.
Did you mean 'great'?exploded with create force.
you should put the word for it; fifty.50
storiesstores
wouldn't some of the glass fall on her too?glass falling to the street below her.
If the thing belongs to the soldiers, (the sight) and if there are more than one of them, then it is: soldiers'.soldier’s
Well, Derek, I was scrolling down through here and I noticed the words Magitech, and I was like, "Holy cow, somebody stole the idea Derek was telling me about!" And then I realized who it was lol. Anyway, here's some things I noticed for the most part.
Btw, I loved Vlora. You know how I like female warriors.
.“Don’t fire until I give the signal,” said an armed soldier who stood with his men.
Taking notice she quickly put her left hand in front of her.
I agree with Majestic Fantasist up there. Your character is ultra-cool commando babe with magic powers, but we really don't know what she is thinking. Who is telling this story? Vlora? If so, tell us what she is thinking. Does she think that these guys are really easy to kill? Does she mourn them at all? Is she sorry for the civilians who are dying instead of her?
Where is this taking place? Is it a building? Is it outside? Where outside? Use the landscape to your advantage. You have what is shaping up to be a great fight scene, but it could be better. Is there any cover? Is this a full-out shoot-em-up, or is there any cover that snipers could be hiding behind and that are posing a threat? Can she get up above them by climbing on something?
Why are they chasing her? What has she done? Even if you don't want to give it all away yet, maybe hint at it. Let's pretend she stole something. Have her blow someone's head off, then feel in the pouch at her belt to make sure that something is still there. You don't have to tell the reader what it is: "She touched her belt. Good, the pouch was still there." That's all the reader needs. It's a little tidbit that softens them up for the feast. It makes them want to keep reading, to find out what happens.
Anyway, great action sequence. It was a little empty though. Flesh it out with thoughts and actions. Make it a little longer, maybe stretch out the descriptions of some of the actions. Pull us in.
Good luck,
~GryphonFledgling
Hi there!
=D
I like where you are going with this, and it seems like it will be a very exciting story! I just hope you plan on explaining more of whats going on in chapters to come.
I would suggest that you add more feeling to your character. I couldn't really tell if it was supposed to be from her point of view or not! explain what she is thinking and give her more life! No ones mind is completely blank, especially when they're in combat!
Just add more to show that your character is human! Even if she has magic powers she is still going to think a little more.
Its hard to explain because I'm not sure what your going to do with this character. But I hope I was at least kind of helpful!
see you later!
Hello! Nice to meet you...
civilians send them hurtling
barrage of bullets
Was it fear, excitement, lust for blood.
is was she felt.
put her left hand in front of her.
cause no harm to the shield or Vlora.
with create force
building. Windows smashing
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