Chapter 1: Just The Beginning

Hi, it's PenNPaper here.

Most of us are afraid of it, all of us fear it.

Happy endings are just story’s that haven’t finished yet

So great story so far. I'm about to head over and check out chapter two but before i do i have a couple of comments. First I think its a cool hook and basic idea of a story. I've seen a few mistakes that you didn't catch the first time around. Read it through really carefully and maybe you'll catch them. Also try a little more description. Like I have no clue what Melony is like. Explain why she has a Hello Kitty bedspread as a teenager. Is it beacause she wants to cling to her mother's memory? Or because she doesn't want to upset her dad? Other then that i think its pretty cool. It sounds like A Series of Unfortunate Events when he warns the readers to stop reading. It really gets them interested. have fun with this story. Best of luck!

Shine On Diamond Eyes

Oh, man, I'm falling behind! Chapter two's already up!

Hi, Doe! Sorry I didn't get to this sooner (Are you sick of hearing that yet?), but I felt terrible and went to bed pretty early every night. I'm feeling better now (It probably helps that it's the weekend!), and I thought I'd get to your story.

Before I say anything constructive or helpful, I really like the idea you have here. To be more specific, the dream with Melony shooting her own dad was pretty awesome. It really got me excited, so I hope you keep working on this!

Marcus Reid

The narration's different, but I kind of like what you're trying to do! However, with this kind of narration, you really have to get in the character's head (in this case, Marcus) and make him breathe life into this story. Right now, he seems just another depressed soul who had something bad to him. Make him a unique character. Make him stand out from other MCs in other novels. Make him memorable.

For example, he's a cop. From what I've read though, he didn't need to be a cop. In fact, he doesn't sound like a cop. He mentioned something about parenting? That's a good start. Show the reader his views on the situation. How did he feel when he was shot in the leg? I'd bet he tried to tough it out at first, that he hates sitting home and not getting paid. Maybe you're going for the gentle cop, in which case, is he good at his job or is he a pushover? Elaborate on those memories you mentioned about his wife perhaps (though you might do that later)? And his attitude with Melony. Maybe it's just me, but I've never heard a dad stare at his daughter and say, "I'm sorry for staring, but you're so dang beautiful." I know I'd be creeped out! He would probably say something like, "Oh, right, um.. right, sorry. Go ahead and do whatever.. where are you going again?"

Bottom line: Make him more real. He's cardboard right now. However! Don't worry about that right now. Since you're just starting the story, you probably don't know your characters that well to edit them. (At least for me, the more I write my novel, the more real my characters become, whether I intended them to be like they are or not!)

Melony

Not much to say on here since I don't really know her! I just know she likes to go to friends and that she doesn't really care if her dad stares at her and calls her beautiful. Spend a little more time telling what kind of girl she is. Teens are somewhat easy to write, especially since we are teens, so it won't be too hard giving her a little more personality.

Introduction and Conclusion

This will be the last point I make!

The way you started and ended this was really dramatic, and it seemed out of place. I'd rather you started when he was released from work for a few weeks. Anything before that was a bunch of telling. I was going with it until I got to the end when he kept telling the reader to stop reading 'cause the story's tragic. If the story's too tragic for Marcus' comfort, why is he telling us about it?

The introduction was a huge culprit when it came to drama. Darkness, darkness, ooga booga, no happily ever after for me, waa waa. Nnnno, let's not do that. It screams cliche, I suppose one would say. Unless you can think of a unique way for Marcus to talk to his readers without making the readers force their way into the novel, just start with the story itself. Then throughout the 'story' part of your chapter, include personal thoughts and explanations about what's going on (or even dialogue).

----

That's all I have! I guess I'll move on to the next chapter when I can.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I definately find this VERY intriging! You have my full attention. Please keep writing this!

Thank you everyone for your reviews!
I've edited it so every review above this comment
has been fixed :]. Thanks again.

Very interesting.
There were one thing that struck me as a little cliche:

I suppose I should start from the beginning

Hey, cool story! You've really got me hooked on it! I love yoru characters, but Mel seems a little too perfect. If I was 17 with hello kitty blankets, I would freak. but maybe thats mel. I won't know until the next chapter.
Ok, so I'm not gonna give you a bunch of editing ideas and what not. I am a strong believer in spell check, and when, if ever, I get the time, I'll use it. If there are mistkaes, its only because your brain is going to fast for your fingers to type; thats my out look on things.
Anyway, keep it up! I'm really excited to read more!

Peace
~*~fairygirl~*~

Hi!

1. Paragraphs

P1

I liked the introduction paragraph. It's the type of thing that intruges people. Plus it has to do with dark so I'm up for it The second sentence doesn't make sense thouh...afraid and fear mean the same thing so how could some of us be afraid of it when all of us fear it?

P2

I liked this one again!

P3

I do not like the way you introduced your character...it seems a bit cliche, if you can change that it would make the audience feel a little bit more interested.

P4

The second line is a bit repetitive, you mentioned he was shot in the leg twice in one sentence.

P5

I liked the Melony/Dad dialogue. Good job at that.

I found no probelm with the rest of the paragraphs and I liked the last line very much. I will be putting thison bookmarks so keep writing! Good Job


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

Hey Derek, here I am as requested! I have to say, I find your story good, though the plot so far is a wee bit clichéd, as far as all the warning about darkness and evil things yet to come. However, based on where you take the story later on, that could really change.

Derek wrote:Chapter 1

Darkness. Most of us are afraid of it, all of us fear it. What lies in the darkness is unknown, mysterious, and dangerous. Some of you are thinking right now that you do not fear the dark. You are lying. Even the bravest men and the strongest armies have been felled by darkness. The dark holds many secrets, and if man manages to discover one of these secrets he will never see the light again. I love this whole beginning paragraph. Well done!

It was a risk I was willing to take at the time. My life was lost and the only hope that remained was to go deep into the darkness, harness it and pray to god God; needs to be capitalized. that I would not lose my sanity. Returning from the dark was impossible or so I was told. It was suicide to be honest and I wasn’t sure I could make it. It was my-our-; See how you've inserted the "our"? You need two hyphens surrounding it.only hope.

My name is Marcus Reid. I’m no one special, just a police officer working in a small town in Tennessee. I suppose I should start from the beginning. It’s a long story that ends in tragedy and begins in tragedy. The ending is always happily ever after? That’s just what they want you to think. The ending is not always as happy as it seems.

When it began I was at home. A shot in the leg during a call about abuse led to shots fired and a bullet in my leg. It seems rather redundant and muddled here. You're mentioning that he's been shot in the leg twice in the same sentence. It was on leave until it was healed and I was only two weeks into my little “vacation” if you want to call it that. My daughter Melony, or Mel for short, was on her own summer vacation.

“Hey Dad, I’m going to go to Amber’s is that okay?” Melony walked into the room. She looked so much like her mother. Long dark brown hair draped over her shoulders, her bright green eyes shining through those perfect eyelashes. “Dad?”

I blinked while I came back into reality. “Sorry, I was just so focused on how beautiful you are.”

“Well, thank you but do not avoid my question please. Will you be alright all right; I think the other is an informal lingo term that you wouldn't use in a novel. here by yourself?”

“I think I’ll be alright. Go have fun. Be back before eleven though.”

“Twelve?”

“Eleven-thirty.”

“Fine.comma” Sshe scoffed, walking over to me sitting on the coach couch , and kissed my cheek.

“I love you.”

“You too Dad.” She closed the door behind her. It was a good thing to let her go. I was a man; I could take care of myself leg or no. I always let her have her freedom the best I could. 2011 and just the slightest mistake as a parent and my kid could end up a drug addict, or having a kid at age seventeen. I don't get why you need to mention the year here. She was growing up so fast.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get off track there. Anyway as the next few hours past it became darker in that tiny little living room. The old wallpaper was white with yellow flowers on it,; Kayla always loved daisies. She also always wanted hardwood floors so I got some put in before we moved here as a gift to her. You should have seen the look on her face. The coach was mine in the 70’s so it gave the living room a nice retro look. Melony always thought it was tacky.

Our grandfather clock struck eleven o’clock. Dong. The TV went dark. Dong. The lights flickered. Dong. Dong. I picked up my crutches lying at the foot of the couch. Dong. Dong. “Damn electricity, I paid that bill.” Dong. Someone knocked on the door. Dong. Suspiciously I stood up on my crutches. Dong. I walked up to the door quietly asking “Who’s there?” Dong. Upon opening the door I saw a gun pointed in my face. “Melony?” I said in shock. Dong. Bam.

I awoke drenched in sweat. The TV was playing reruns of The Adams Family and I was wrapped in a cover that was not there before. It was a dream; Aa terrible one. It didn’t even make sense. Melony shot him? Why would he even think about something like that? "Him"?? Why's the character referring to himself in the third person suddenly? I got confused here and had to reread it a couple of times. I admit I was having odd dreams every since the shooting but none this serious. I decided not to dwell on it and instead got up to see if Melony was home yet.

I entered her room to find her sleeping soundly in her bed. She was so sweet and innocent under her pink hello kitty Hello Kitty; it's a brand name, so it has to be capitalized. blankets. Her mom had designed the room before she died. All pink with more yellow flowers on the wall. A mahogany desk under a window overlooking the mountains covered in cheer-leading should just be one word, cheerleading. awards. She was a natural just like her mother.

Kayla, my wife, died about fifteen years ago. Melony was only two so she doesn’t really remember her. The thing about Kayla was she was perfect. Optimistic, wise, beautiful, funny, and smart; all in all a perfect woman and the love of my life. Her accident was unexpected, as most are. Melony is aware of it and I’ve told her the story more than once. We choose to remember her and not to forget her. That would only cause more pain.

I will tell you the story, as it relates to the rest of the story. It's a little repetitive having "story" twice; you could reword it to something like "I will tell you the story, as it relates to the rest of my tale." Or something like that. I want to warn you though. From here on out there is no turning back,; when you begin chapter two I don't know about saying it like that...it sounds too much like this is a novel, if that makes any sense. I mean, I know that it is a novel, but you're just emphasizing the fact and I think you could leave it out. you will be trapped. The darkness is hostile and once you enter it’s its (possessive form, not contracted) domain you can never leave. This is your last chance. Leave now and save yourself from this story as it waswill only cause you as much pain as it caused me. This is just the beginning. Good ending!

I like this. Your narration is different but in a good way. You did have a bit of a problem with piling on a lot of information at times. My advice is to let your readers know background info on your MC slowly instead of mentioning parts of it here and there. Apart from that I found this a really interesting read. I'm excited to see if the dream he had would turn out to become a reality.
Good job so far!
*coco

Ok. This is my second review so..

Anyways I really like the story. I also love how you write about the darkness. You actually made the darkness descriptive, which is way cool. Anyways I PURPOSELY went threw your work with a fine tooth comb. Only because I think every review should say something negative, and positive of course!

Derek wrote:It’s a long story that ends in tragedy and begins in tragedy. The ending is always happily ever after? That’s just what they want you to think. The ending is not always as happy as it seems.

Derek wrote:I awoke drenched in sweat. The TV was playing reruns of The Adams Family and I was wrapped in a cover that was not there before. It was a dream; A terrible one. It didn’t even make sense. Melony shot him? Why would he even think about something like that? I admit I was having odd dreams every since the shooting but none this serious. I decided not to dwell on it and instead got up to see if Melony was home yet.