Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It’s raining outside, probably around one O’clock
in the morning and teenagers are out causing ruckus as usual. These are the
type of nights where demons and other unknown entities go out and play with the
souls of the living, feed on the dirtiest human beings possible. But there is
that rare occasion where an innocent child who just so happens to be at the
wrong place at the wrong time, and that’s what Aiden McCelland and his family
eventually found out. Aiden was probably around six years old when his parents
were divorced, he was use to waking up in the middle of the night to his
parents screaming at each other. After his parents divorced he and his mother
moved to Ohio with his aunt. Aiden was 8 when he went back to school, everyone
treated him as an outsider, as an inhuman creature. He would be bullied to the
point kids would beat until an inch of his life and that’s when any child in
his position would create a character in their head to be their “imaginary
friend”. Now an imaginary friend is made and based off the child’s wishes and
thoughts of what having a friend feels like. When a child is depressed and
neglected they give off a lot of negative energy and that is what attracts any
demon. Negative energy to a demon is like a shark smelling blood it puts them
in a frenzy. Aiden had so much hatred and depression that built up inside of
him that every demon within a fifty mile radius could smell and would come
running. With that much Negative energy radiating off of one child it could
attract the most powerful of all entities or something even worse… much worse.
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140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Hi!
Most people went over the grammar which is good because I'm not that great at it!
But back to the review.
I like the overall idea that you have. The format at the beginning confused me because I thought that it was meant to be a poem. Also I think it would be really great if you added a bit more imagery to the beginning. I don't know if this is a style choice but I think it was definitely add more to your story . However I found it really interesting and want to see where it goes next. Good luck!
Woo, hello there and welcome to YWS!
A few tips:
I noticed a lot of grammar and tense mistakes. Read your piece aloud when you're editing to straighten those out. I always read my work aloud before I post just to make sure everything is flowing smoothly.
Also, I would call this an intro rather than a chapter. It is all exposition, and is bringing us into the first piece of action, where Aiden would meet his imaginary demon friend, no? I actually wouldn't even have something like this. It's way more intense if you simply dump us into his situation, introduce the imaginary friend right away and continue from there. Don't even tell us the friend is a demon, just imply it or keep it secret. A surprise plot twist could have been the highlight of this story!
Also, keep the tense in which you tell the story consistent. Either tell it in present tense or past tense, don't switch between them.
Since it was just an exposition chapter, I can't critique sensory detail, but if you're going to start with an exposition chapter, don't fool us by giving us a scenic first sentence.
Other than that, you actually have a really cool premise here. The idea is pretty unique, and I look forward to seeing where you take it!
Thank you for the review! Well this chapter was meant to be like a prologue and everything written is like that on purpose and later you find out why!
Hey, Depth!
This is Stormsie, and I'll be your reviewer for tonight! Since this is a shorter piece, I'll just break this edit into numerical sections. 
Let's get started.
I want to read more as you improve!
1. I'm not a huge fan on the way you started this story out... You begin in the present tense, describing a scene with rowdy kids outside and then switch over very abruptly to telling about Aiden. I don't know. It just seems too quick of a transition.
2. "These are the type of nights ..."
Keep your singular and plural nouns straight! You're only illustrating one night so do not then refer to it as plural. It should be: "This is the type of night ..." See?
3. "These are the type of nights where demons and other unknown entities go out and play with the souls of the living, ..."
Despite the singular noun mix up, I absolutely love this sentence. O___o It's kind of creepy, but fits seamlessly with the theme.
4. But there is that rare occasion where an innocent child who just so happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and that’s what Aiden McCelland and his family eventually found out.
You start this sentence out well, then it moves on into a strangely worded thought. And then it keeps going. And going. Maybe break this sentence up a little bit to clarify what you mean?
5. "Aiden was probably around six years old when his parents were divorced, he was use to waking up in the middle of the night to his parents screaming at each other."
In this sentence you use quite a few weak verbs, such as "were" or "was". You can take out a few of those. Here's the revised version with a few structural suggestions: "Aiden was around six years old when his parents [removed "were"] divorced. He grew accustomed to waking up in the middle of the night to his parents screaming at each other."
6. Remember that numbers below 100 should be spelled out. So, instead of "8" or "6" it should be "eight" etc.
7. Lastly, this felt more like a prologue to your work rather than an actual chapter because of the size and way it ends. Are all the chapters this lacking?
Thanks for sharing, Depth, so as always: Write on!
---Stormsie
This chapter was written as a prologue! And the number 50 was fixed I did not mean tot put that there. But everything that was written, was written like that on purpose!
"Done on purpose"? Ah. Then maybe you should clear up some of those run-on and poorly written sentences.
Just wait till the end you will see why this is written the way it is!
Hey!! It's Silver here to review your piece!!
I have to say that I love your concept. I'm really interested to see where this story will go and to meet Aiden and his demon friend. I thought that it was generally well written however your phrasing could be much better. Just read this out loud and try to see if you can make your sentences sound better than they are. leilamuir has already mentioned your strange format. Overall good job!!
Silverlock
This story is written like this on purpose and you will see why later!
I like it so far. There is a dark tint to this that is very hard to portray.
There are a few mistakes.
"But there is that rare occasion where an innocent child who just so happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and that’s what Aiden McCelland and his family eventually found out."
There is an appositive in here that you didn't mark, but maybe you meant for it to be that way. Speaking grammatically, it should be "where an innocent child, who just so happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time,"
Not all writers do this, but it drives me crazy to see numbers popping up all over the place. I'm pretty sure protocol for numbers under 100 need to be spelled out in word form.
The way you have this formatted is strange. It made it very distracting because it would cut off in the middle of a sentence and skip down a space.
There really aren't any misspelled words.
There are a few punctuation errors.
"Negative energy to a demon is like a shark smelling blood it puts them in a frenzy."
I would say it like this, "Negative energy to a demon is like a shark smelling blood; it puts them in a frenzy."
Overall, I liked it. I want to see where you go with it! So post soon!(:
It was written like this on purpose! But the part where it like cuts off is also on purpose and you will see why later on in the story! Thank you for the review! I'm glad you are enjoying it so far!