Published October 3, 2010
Quick intro to the characters.
His name is Vlad Decamshyre (De-cam-shy-er)
He is a vampire, he is 1200 years old but only looks like he's 20. Vlad is in line to become Vampire King, and his best friend is a werewolf.
His name is Jerome Vuelly (Voo-ly, the 'e' is silent)
He is a werewolf, He's 1250 years old but only looks like he's 20. Jerome is in line to become Ultimate Alpha, or King of Werewolves. His best friend is a vampire. He is arranged to marry Mikhail and he knows, but won't tell her.
Her name is Mikhail Rogers.
She is a werwolf, she is around 1300 years old but looks like she's 18. Mikhail is in line to become leader of her pack. She has been arranged to marry Jerome but doesn't know it. Her best friends are a vampire, werewolf, and human.
Her name is Juliet Thompson. She's a human who is 18. She moved to Transylvania when she was 14 and is best friends with Mikhail, Vlad, and Jerome. She knows about all their secrets. She has been in love with Vlad for a long time, but is to afraid to tell him.
Story start! By the way this is set in Transylvania. Most of the story is written in Mikhail's point of view, but will go between everyone's point of view.
I walked down the steps of my house and into the market.
"MIKHAIL!!!!" I turned to see my best human friend running towards me. When she finally reached me she stopped and caught her breath.
"Yes Jules?"
"Vlad.... Jerome.... Coming.... Hurry." She was breathing deeply when she was talking. I just smiled and nodded my head. We walked towards a big open field next to a river that no one goes to. Something about werewolves being spotted here. Psh who's knows what there talking about? We sat on the edge of the river and just waited.
"Mikhail do you think I should tell Vlad how I feel?" Oh great, the dreaded question.
"Well what does you heart say?"
"I should tell him, but then my brain says don't do it. That it could end bad for me."
"Well I know that Vlad would never hurt you. I think that he likes you also."
"Really!? Maybe I'll tell him later today." I sighed knowing that she has a 50/50 chance of actually ending up with him. I hope everything ends alright for her.
"Who are we telling what to? Wait what?" I turned my body to see Vlad and Jerome standing there behind us.
"Nothing!" Wow. Juilet said that all to fast.
"Alright? Well other than that weird outburst, I think it's high time we scarred the locals."
"Vlad... No. Just no. You know we won't do that."
"Oh stop it! You always ruin my dreams. DREAM KILLER!" He said smiling at me. I just started to laugh and soon he joined me. Juilet started to laugh also.
"Jerome why so blue?"
"Nothing." He muttered. Well alright then mister grumpy pants. I walked over to him and grabbed his arm while also pulling him over to the river. I twirled him around and straight into the water.He grabbed my hand and pulled me with him.
"NO!" I shrieked. And we both landed with a splash. Coming to the surface of the slow moving river I shook my hair.
"Hey Mikhail where's Jerome?" I got worried. Jerome not being seen means that he's hiding and planning something. I swam as fast as I could and as soon as I reached the shore something grabbed my ankle. Pulling me backward farther to the other side I relized it was Jerome. When we reached the other shore I saw Juilet waving at us and Vlad standing there smiling. Shit, this should be fun.
"Yes Jerome?"
"I need to tell you something."
"What is it?"
"It's about us."
"Okay. Go one."
"We..."
To be continued.
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
The story of a vampire, a werewolf, and a human?! I'm impressed. I love every moment of it. Keep it up and I'll have you in the Fiction Writer's Club.
Gah! I click on this, and first thing I see is a hot dude! I'm like, "Oh hi!" Haha, anyway.... This looks like it has a whole lot of potential.
she stopped and caught her breath.
"Yes Jules?"
"Vlad.... Jerome.... coming.... hurry." She was breathing deeply when she was talking. I just smiled and nodded my head. We walked towards a big open field next to a river that no one goes to. Something about werewolves being spotted here. Psh, who
'sknows what they're talking about?Those are really the only errors I saw, so props to you! Like Ignis said, your beginning was weak. But, I can't talk; I suck at starting anything. My advice to you for that though: Since this is in first person, make the first line sound a little like how the person talks. In other words, if Mikhail is sarcastic, start off with her saying something sarcastic or wisecracky, etc. etc. Maybe like: "MIKHAIL!!!!" I turned to see my friend, Juliet, running towards me. Add some fog and a monster, and boom! Acadamy award for best 'girl on the run'" Kinda random, but whatever. :l
This sounds kind of odd. You might want to change it a little.
Overall, I really really really like it so far. Yeah, it annoys me when vampires/werewolves are involved with love nowadays, but this sounds really good.
One thing that kind of confuses me is the time. Is it present day? Or olden days? Just trying to picture it better.
Already on the first chapter, I feel the characters a little bit. Maybe I'm wrong, but Juliet sounds like the calm one, while the others are kind of wild and rambunxious [Did I murder that spelling or what? Where did the spell check go?!?!?]
Anyway, PM me if you post some more up! :]
--Lise
This is totally unrelated to you story (sorry), but Oh. My. Gosh. the guy in your first picture, Vlad, looks exactly like a guy I know. It gives me shivers just looking at it.
Hey, DemiGodsRule! This looks like it's going to be great.
First off, there are quite a few grammar mistakes I'd like to point out.
The number preceding 1 - '"MIKHAIL!!!!" I turned to see my best human friend running towards me.' After the dialogue, the new sentence should begin on a new line. I also thought the beginning sentence was a little weak, but I'm not sure how to improve that. (So sorry I couldn't help with that!!!)
1 - 'Psh who's knows what there talking about?'. Okay, there were a number of mistakes in this sentence. Firstly, 'psh' should have either a dash or an exclamation mark after it. Secondly, 'who's' should become just 'who'. Also, 'there' should be 'they're'. If you corrected this, the sentence would look like 'Psh - who knows what they're talking about?' or 'Psh! Who knows what they're talking about?' Further still, however, I think you should phrase it differently. In the context, your phrasing is a little confusing, so maybe 'Psh! They don't know what they're talking about' would work better. In fact, it would definitely work better.
2 - '"Well what does you heart say?"'. 'You' should be 'your'. Innocent mistake, I know, but you do need to watch out for things like that.
3 - '"Really!? Maybe I'll tell him later today." I sighed knowing that she has a 50/50 chance of actually ending up with him. I hope everything ends alright for her.' First: the sentence after the dialogue should begin on a new line. Also, the tenses in this sentence are a little warped. You start the story, and the sentence, in past tense. 'I sighed, knowing that ...'. But then you suddenly change to present. ' ... that she has a 50/50 chance of actually ending up with him. I hope everything ends alright for her.' That was very confusing: the switch was in mid-sentence. It should be: 'I sighed, knowing that she had a fifty-fifty chance of actually ending up with him. I hoped everything would end all right for her.' That would make it much better.
4 - '"Who are we telling what to? Wait what?" I turned my body to see Vlad and Jerome standing there behind us.' Again, there are a few things that need improving here. First, it should be '"Who are you telling what to?"', as you've made it seem as though HE needs to tell someone something. Also, '" ... Wait what?"' Confused me. What are you trying to say here? Sorry, it might be just me. And one more thing on this sentence: I think you could cut out the word 'body'. It's unnecessary - 'I turned to see Vlad and Jerome standing there behind us' works just as well.
5 - '"Nothing!" Wow. Juilet said that all to fast.' The word 'all' is unnecessary. Juliet said only one word, so you could do with replacing 'all' with 'way'. Also, another 'o' is needed on the end of 'to' in this context. If you correct this, the sentence will look more like: '"Nothing!" Wow. Juliet said that way too fast.' You could also try moving the text after the dialogue to a new line.
6 - '"Alright? Well other than that weird outburst, I think it's high time we scarred the locals."' Firstly, I think you could have phrased 'Well other than that weird outburst' more accurately. A comma should be used after 'well', for example. To make it much better, though, I think you should change it to something like: '"Okay, then ... Well, passing over that interesting little interaction, I think it's high time we scared the locals.'" Oh, yeah ... you wrote 'scarred'. Did you mean to say 'scared'?
7 - '" ... DREAM KILLER!" He said smiling at me.' The 'h' in 'he' should be lower case - it belongs to the dialogue phrase and isn't in a new sentence. A comma should be used after 'he said'.
8 - '"Jerome why so blue?"' Sorry I'm being so fussy, but a comma should also be used after the name 'Jerome'.
9 - '"Nothing." He muttered. Well alright then mister grumpy pants.' The period after 'nothing' should be a comma, and the 'h' in 'he' should be changed to lower-case. I also think that 'Well alright then mister grumpy pants' should start on a new line, by itself. Commas are also needed after 'then' and possibly 'well'.
10 - 'I walked over to him and grabbed his arm while also pulling him over to the river.' The words 'while also' would make more sense if they were replaced with a comma.
11 - 'I swam as fast as I could and as soon as I reached the shore something grabbed my ankle. Pulling me backward farther to the other side I relized it was Jerome.' In the first sentence, ' ... and as soon as I reached the shore' should become 'but just as I reached the shore'. It makes more sense that way. You've also done something funny to the next sentence. You make it seem as though Mikhail is pulling HERSELF over to the other side. It should be: 'As it pulled me backward, over to to the other side, I realized it was Jerome.' Also, you spelt 'realized' wrong. You skipped the 'a':).
12 - I think you should remove the word 'shit' from 'Shit, this should be fun.' Quite apart from the fact that I dislike swearing, it makes you seem more professional if you say merely: 'This should be fun' or, alternately, 'This ought to be fun'.
13 - '"Yes Jerome?"' A comma should, strictly speaking, be used after 'yes'. Not compulsory, but still.
14 - '"Okay. Go one."' I know the word 'one' was a mistake, but still. Change it to 'on'
15 - Last piece of criticism. The ending - even though the story is to be continued - sounds a little poorly chosen. '"We ...". I think it could make a bigger impact if phrased differently. Maybe change it to something like '"Well, I'd just like to tell you that ..."' Wait, that sounds weak too. You don't need to listen to me, but I think you could even stop it at 'This should be fun', and start the conversation in the next part. Just maybe. Otherwise change the 'we' to 'well'. I think it just sounds more conclusive.
Apart from all these mistakes (which are really minor things in themselves), it looks like it is going to be really good. Okay, I didn't particularly like the fact that the character network was reminiscent of Twilight, but that's just me, and I really did like this otherwise. It was awesome and made me smile.
Thank you so much for sharing this: it was really good.
God bless,
Ignis (HP lvr)