Okay, um first off is how you say the sword's name. It's ray-jay-um. I know weird. And second this is something I came up with during the school year. Enjoy! Oh this is also made up completely.
Chapter One: The Letter
I walked out to the shore of the ocean and started to think. I wonder how long it will bebefore Queen Lilith will declare war on the Najin Kingdom? Many things have been said about Queen Lilith, most about her being beuatiful, graceful, nice, and also ruthless. She is ruthless in war, yet she is a nice as can be after war.
"Chalee! Momma says it's dinner twime!" I turned to see my four year old sister, Alanah, running towards me. I picked her up and started to walk back to my house. You see I didn't live in any kingdom, but my family's loyalties lie with Queen Lilith and the Kingdom of Orlan. My family and myself live on the coast of the Orlan Ocean. My father was a fisherman and farmer before he passed. Now, I take care of the family. I fish, farm, go to market, and watch my family all at the same time. When I reached my family's humble abode aka our small house with three bedrooms, a loo outside, and a kitchen. I set Alanah down and shut the door behind me.
I looked at Mother and she noddedtowards my room, which I shared with my brother Matthew. I walked into my room and noticed a letter sitting on my bed. I walked over and grabbed it, while opening it.
Dear Charlee,
You must be a remarkable fisherman for my royal fishermen to compliment you. I would be very pleased if you would come and visit the court of Orlan. Mother and I have a special task for you, that is if you are willing to accept. If you are half the warrior and journey men you Father was you are fit for the task. I hope to see you soon.
Princess Danella
What? My Father was a fishermen and farmer. Not... Not a warrior and journey man. And I've never seen any of the Royal fishing boats out hen I fish.... Weird. I went out to the kitchen and confronted Mother.
"Mother?"
"Yes, Charlee dear what is it?"
"This letter. It's from the Princess." I watched as Mother gasped andsat at pur small wooden table.
"What did it say? Everything Charlee." I handed her the letter and she read it over and over again. Placing the letter on the table and sighed.
"Why does it say Father was a warrior and journey man?"
"Because he was. He travelled all over the place for the Queen. He fought with the Secret Gaurd. Charlee when I met your Father he and I fell in love, but he couldn't just up and leave the Gaurd or Queen Lilith. He decided that it be best he served for 5 more years, but he would always stop by. Three years by and we got married. At the end of his last year serving I had concieved you. That's when he decided that he would stay with us and never go back."
"Well then what killed him?!" I was getting quiet aggravated with this story. This couldn't be my Father she was talkig about. How could they not tell me about his past?
"He.. He was killed in a boating accident. You know that."
"Or maybe you dn't want to tell me the truth." I spat back at her.
"Charlee Warren Burgandy! Do not talk to me like that." Ooo the middle name. Ouch, I do NOT like my full name.
"I was asked to go to the Court. I need to pack." I left her there without her saying anything back. I walked to my room and saw Alanah and Matthew on the floor playing. I grabbed my bag and started to shove randpm clothes in it.
"Chalee what you doin'?"
"Packing. I have to go on a trip. I'll be back though." I smiled and hugged her. That's when she started to cry. You see Father died when Alanah was 2 so I have always been her fatherly figure. I then watched Matthew walk over to me, staring at his feet the entire time.
"Matthew, what's wrong?"
"Your leaving. I'm not ready to take care of the family! I can't do it Charlee!"
"Well I believe you can do it Matthew. Your ready. I was twleve when I started to take care of the family and you're already twelve. I think you can do it Matthew. Mother will help you until I get back. I promise."
"Really? You think I can do it?" I nodded my head and he hugged me. I hugged back and then let go. I walked over to my bag and started throwing random clothes in it. When I finished packing I walked into the kitchen, only to see Mother packing some food. She walked over to me and handed me the food.
"Take it. You'll get hungry on your journey."
"Thanks Mother."
"Please take care of yourself. I don't need to worry about you, now do I?"
"No ma'am. I'll be good infront of the court. Just promise you'll help Matthew. He's worried about taking care of you and Alanah."
"I promise Charlee. Now go before it gets to dark to see." I hugged her one last time and headed for the door. I took one last good look at my family and some how knowing I wouldn't ever see them again. I turned my back on them and headed in the direction of the palace. Little did I know I'm getting into the biggest fight of my life.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay, firstly I must say that your initial presentation was a bit deterring. The only good thing about the lack of paragraphs was that it showed just how short the story was, but that only seems good because I'm a lazy bum.
Now, as Miss-Cool-Signature, Name and Location above me said, you had grammar and punctuation areas. Remember to use spell check and if your word processor doesn't have one, YWS does. Paragraphs are better defined by spaces than simply clicking enter once - click it twice.
Into content, I think this story had the problem of using complex names. The very fact that you had to explain the name was to some attractive and others a deterrent. I love fiction and am trying to find good fantasy to read because all of them published writers are so stingy with writing superhero novels. That may be the reason I decided to read this novel. The problem is the massive amounts of foreign names dumped on us in the beginning. The second line is a good example of this.
A way to get around that is to be more personal with people's thoughts. No one should think in that kind of formal language. It feels like you're throwing it straight out to us in fact form. People think, Man, Obama's an idiot for not being stricter with Iran instead of I wonder what President Obama is going to do about Iran
Your dialogue is weak at the moment. This boy bursts at his mother to soon. Their lines are so brief it's unrealistic. And that, combined with a lack of proper setting (but I must say I'm happy you didn't have stuff like - the dusty cottage, etc. But that's just because I hate cliches) make the story seem inconcievable. Would you act like that with your mother. Can you see a real person doing what your characters described.
Why isn't he excited? A letter from the princess? His reaction will help us preconceive the princess' personality and help define Charlee's. And the sister - she should try and hold him back. I kept my brother from going to visit our cousin alone just by crying when I was younger, for Pete's sake! Matthew I like, but at the same time make sure to remember that despite being fantasy, he's just a kid. He can't take his mother as his wife, if you know what I mean. In fact, just a year earlier she might have been helping him pick out clothes if he were in the modern world.
Show, don't tell. Body Language. Realism even in fiction. Relatability. Emotion. Subtle emphasis. Bias and Prejudice -- people think an MC should be neutral (I suffer from this, my MC has no personality) but they should actually be among the most bias characters with strong opinions.
Well, those are my two points. I'm getting around to reading a fantasy book, Chosen, and on the first page there's a map. I hope you're a good artist
But I love the fact that so early in the story I can tell where it's going.
TheNewHero,
P.S:
My idea of fantasy may have been warped by reading Percy Jackson and the Olympians, so... yeah.
Overall, I'm interested. I like how you started but then you had some spelling and grammar errors. I might not have gotten all the errors. Anyway, You have just some parts in need of work. I hope I was helpful! PM me when you get the next part posted. I'd like to read it.
~Ladypurple.