A/N: This is my entry for lilymoore's flash fiction contest.
***
Being held at gunpoint could have been the scariest thing to ever happen to me. I had never seen a firearm before, not in real life.
I hadn’t even properly said bye to the boyfriend that morning… and when was the last time I had called my mother? I could almost already see my life flashing before my eyes.
But still, I couldn’t help thinking: Really? Who robs a McDonald’s?
What did Black Turtleneck expect to bring back home? A little change and some pickle slices mushed under his boots? Or a couple of those plastic Star Wars figurines you got with the season’s Happy Meals? They were really popular. We had given out more Yodas than I could count.
I stayed silent, though, and raised my hands like any good victim. The trembling muzzle of the gun stared straight into my eyes.
The guy looked at me up and down. ”Where are the others?”
It wasn’t a busy morning, so I was the only one at the cashier.
”Uh… at the back, I guess.”
”Give me the money.”
”The registers are emptied every night… honestly, there’s not mu–”
”Or else I’ll shoot.”
I opened the register with one hand, the other still pointing to the ceiling, and handed him 20.35 in total.
He looked dumbfounded. ”This can’t be all.”
Told you so, I thought. But I knew he wouldn’t go unless he got something else. Someone’s life, or…
”Uh… would you like fries with that?”
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139,305 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
HOLY SMOKES! You started off so wonderfully, it caught my attention immediately. The first two sentences are really impressive, this writing was absolutely fantastic. Not only did it seek my attention, it included comedic relief. I LOVE THAT! Wow, this just blew me away. Honestly, it did. I found nothing wrong with this, maybe a few misplaced commas, but other than that it was superb. Man, I wish this was a part of an entire novel, I would read the entire thing! Great job, and please, please keep writing. I am sure everyone would appreciate it.
Toodles.
Aww, thanks so much! What a lovely comment
Dems knows I goofed. Anyways, I would liked to award you first place. You can PM me whenever to receive your reviews.
And Congratulations!
~lilymoore
Hehe, Lily, I think you posted this on the wrong entry.
Dems!
I just stumbled onto this while browsing and took a peek. Honestly, I like the whole 'chilled' character as I'm sure everyone behaves differently with stress. My family used to own a Subway back in the day and my mom was held at gunpoint during our seasonal robbery time. She told me she just froze and couldn't move an inch until her partner that night gave away the money and he left (no worries, he was later caught). With that said, I think you should still try to make more of a surprise/fear factor in the beginning of this piece. I know you're going for the humor but even fear can be humorous if you write the emotions in just the right way while staying true to what people would normally feel during such a circumstance. I saw hints of this while she talked about her mother and boyfriend and that sort of 'life flashing before your eyes' thing but I think you could go further with that.
Overall though, this was fun to read and I absolutely loved the last line. There are some pretty ridiculous thieves out there that would probably take that offer, I have no doubt.
-Shear
Hello!
Starleene here!
I’m not one for beating around the bush so why don’t we just jump right in, eh?
“Being held at gunpoint could have been the scariest thing to ever happen to me.”
Could have been the scariest thing to ever happen? On my list of scariest things that could ever happen to me…that would probably make number one. Also, when I’m thinking to myself I do not sound like a 19th century school teacher; just pointing that out. Throw some contractions around...get freaky with it!
“I hadn’t even properly said bye to the boyfriend that morning… and when was the last time I had called my mother? I could almost already see my life flashing before my eyes.”
Almost see her life flashing before her eyes? If it were I, I would be questions why I had put gum in my sisters hair when we were 3, and why I tripped my brother when we were 7! I would be repenting my butt off. She is so chill!
“But still, I couldn’t help thinking: Really? Who robs a McDonald’s”
Way to go with the contraction!
“We had given out more Yodas than I could count.”
Think about Yoda before me die, I do.
"Told you so, I thought. But I knew he wouldn’t go unless he got something else. Someone’s life, or…
”Uh… would you like fries with that?”
Best Punch line…ever. When I read that, I gave the character a cyber-high-five.
All in all, chill. Really that’s basically all I have to say about that. If I were ever in this kind of situation I would want to be exactly like your character.
Good Luck!
Starleene Out.
HAI DEMS!
*stumbles over story* Ooooh! Let's take a look!
Nit-picks ahoy! -
I think maybe you could stand to join a few words together? Otherwise it feels a little clunky and too like...perfect? This is first person so essentially you're in that character's mind, and I don't know about you but I don't think in perfect English.
Being held at gunpoint could have been the scariest thing to ever happen to me. I had never seen a firearm before, not in real life. - So this could be rewritten as: 'Being held at gunpoint could've been the scariest thing to ever happen to me. I'd never seen a firearm before, not in real life.'
I hadn’t even properly said bye to the boyfriend that morning - I know we say like 'the boy' and stuff like that but I think this might be better as 'my boyfriend'
Star Wars figurines you got with the season’s Happy Meals? - In my head 'this season's' flows a little better.
We had given out more Yodas than I could count. - Again a joiny thing (I'm sure you know the actual term for it) 'We'd given out more Yodas than I could count.'
On a more general note!
I really like this idea and it's very funny. I love the last line! My only problem is that the main character seems waaaaaay chilled out for having a gun pointed at them. I mean I dunno, maybe that's how you imagine the character? But I think you could still have a lot of their reactions based on nervousness as well as just being suuuper chill.
I'm not saying like 'You absolutely have to change this or the story won't work!' I just think for me that it would fit better? If that makes sense? Maybe the chillness works better for the humour?
I hope that helped at least a little! You know where to find me if you want to chat
<4
Heya!
This is great. So classic and yet so un-classic.
Honestly, there isn't that much to review, because first of all it isn't that long and second of all it's so straightforward and funny that there's not much to say...
Don't get me wrong, I don't think it needs to be a word longer. The length is just what's needed to get across the joke. Just a couple things I noticed:
I don't really think the title works. Okay, yeah, we've got to be all punny, but even though that is something at McDonald's, kind of, it has nothing to do with the actual piece and doesn't really add to any part of it. Maybe a pun about fries would be better.
"Being held at gunpoint could have been the scariest thing to ever happen to me."
Could have been? This might make sense if you confirmed later on that it either was or wasn't the scariest thing to ever happen to the narrator, but instead it leaves the reader hanging. I kind of assumed that it still was the scariest thing, but this sentence doesn't really point in that direction. This could be clarified.
That's all the nitpicking I could possibly get out of this, so let me just say, it was awesome! Quick to the punchline, no prolonged background before the joke- I like it. Good luck for the competition!
Blue
Hahahaha as soon as you mentioned robbing a McDonalds I knew exactly where this was going XD
I loved this ending