This is based on true events.
It was the sound of flesh hitting flesh,
over and over,
that you realized something.
She had finally cracked.
You thought that she would just brush it away
as she had done all the other times.
You know she’s mad,
you know she’s furious,
but this time it’s not a little explosion;
not just a little screaming,
a little yelling,
and it’s more than just some pushing and shoving.
You did what your parents said to do,
you called the police,
told them what was happening.
That your sister had attacked your mom,
that she had grabbed a knife,
that you had run and locked the door.
After they had finished, they took you to the hospital,
where your dad and brother were waiting,
for you had been the only witness.
You had been all alone,
no one to protect you from the horrors of what happened.
Your mom was in the ER,
all because of the explosion no one had predicted.
For it had been the day your sister,
the person you looked up to,
the person you admired,
your role model,
had finally crossed the line.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Wow, I really enjoyed this poem. I could just feel all the emotion in this piece. I really liked the line: " It was the sound of flesh hitting flesh over and over, that you realized something. She had finally cracked." Great beginning, it had me hooked and made me want to just keep reading. I also loved the ending, very strong. Nice job and keep up the good work!
It has been a long time since a read the same poem again and again and again in a consecutive sequence. The way you manage to reach one's fears in simple short phrases is amazing. It's simple, classy, painful, dirty and scary all together. Most important of all though, it gives the feeling of a real story. Not always authors manage to make real events seem real. Congrats!
Hello DeltaEcho,
This scared me, and made me cry all in one swipe. Not that that's all a bad thing, but I almost know exactly what you mean. My brother is extremely autistic, and when he throws a fit, which happens about as often as to you or me, everyone involved gets hurt or scared. I always lock myself in my room and try not to hear my mom yelling at him to stop, and sometimes, yelling in pain. He is a really good person at heart, but when he's mad...
~Kelpies.
Wow. Just wow. As you said this is based on true events then I am sorry, whether this happened to you or someone you know. This has so much emotion and I don't even know how to describe this! It was amazing.
Okay, wow. This really, really scared me. *Takes deep breath.* I will try to review this as best as I can.
So, chronological order.
The title: Excellent. No suggested revisions.
This is based on true events. That's the part that scared the bejesus out of me. Did this happen to you? Your friend? A family member?
Jesus.
I'm sorry if this happened to you or anyone close to you. God, I didn't even experience it, but I'm traumatized.
So, on that note, I REALLY, REALLY think you should give this a rating for mature content. 16+?
This resembled a short story, but the poetry format, I think, worked for it. It made it more powerful.
After they had finished, they took you to the hospital,
where your dad and brother were waiting,
for you had been the only witness.
Those lines didn't have nearly as much emotion in them as the other lines did. They kind of just told the story with facts. In poetry, or with this type of poetry, despite the fact that you're telling a story, you want to put more than the facts in the lines. You want to put emotion in it, emotion about the narrator, emotion from the narrator's point of view. It was interesting that you chose to use the second person when telling this story. It made it a little more distant and more fact-based, which worked pretty well, besides a few lines.
Definitely try to put as much emotion as you can into this telling.
Especially the part where the sister attacks the mom. It was scary, but it wasn't very emotional. Try to insert the emotion you felt, the screams of your mom, the rage of your sister, etc. If you do that, it would definitely make this poem a masterpiece.
Overall rating: 8/10
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