16 Pt. 1
I close my eyes and wish to be dead at 16. Can't take this anymore. I want to be one with the darkness. Anger runs through my veins. Each breath I take is filled with sadness. Every second is filled with misery. My eyes leak pain. These feelings take over me, making me insane. I am my own asylum. No hope is left for me. I’m tired of feeling like this.Tired of being me. Tired of being trapped in my thoughts with no escape. Tired of holding these feelings inside me. Smiles and laughter are the best disguise. Even the smartest of people can’t tell how I’m crippling inside. Nobody needs to know, as I promise to God I will be dead at the age of 16.
16 Pt. 2
I close my eyes and wish to be dead at 16. I am angry. I am angry at the world for forcing me to live such a life. Angry at myself for creating these thoughts inside my head. The demons inside my head have become my friends. In a world of loneliness, I will always hear them. No matter how many people will be around me, I will always be alone. The fire rages inside me. Lost, in an angry world. The people who feel closest to you are often the ones most clueless. The things I feel can’t be put into words. I am alone. No matter what you say, I will be alone. Words mean nothing. I will forever be lost and alone, but that is okay, as I promise to God I will be dead at the age of 16.
16 Pt. 3
I close my eyes and wish to be dead at the age of 16. No hope left inside me. Nothing to look forward too. My goals are worthless. The future holds nothing. Holding onto a bit of hope that things will change, I realize that I am only hurting myself. Maybe I deserve it. I will never know the reason. It’s like a war inside me. I feel as if I am two people sometimes. I switch from being happy when I’m around people, then crying everything out of me. I find it quite funny that I have set such a high goal for myself in the future. There is only so much you can achieve in your time on earth. But the future is nonexistent for me, as I promise to God I will be dead at the age of 16.
16 Pt. 4
I close my eyes and wish to be dead at the age of 16. I am not insane. I am perfectly normal. Just a girl who has experienced more trauma than you’d expect. No one asks to be put on this planet. We are all forcefully here. If a book was written about my life, people would think it was fake. I am fine. I am completely fine. I want to be numb. I don’t want to think about anything. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to experience any more pain or misery. At the same time, I don’t want to be alone. Who am I? I can’t wait to plunge the gleaming knife into my heart, and fufil my promise to God that I will be dead at the age of 16.
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Hello! First I would like to say that I agree wholeheartedly with everything rohan said in his review! He was spot-on! However, I did read this more poetically and the repetition of the first line and last line seemed to work for me in that respect. It could almost be formatted as four stanzas, but, like rohan said, if it is a narrative, then you definitely would need more details in how and why this person is feeling this way.
I, too, was concerned in reading this, and again, I agree that you need to remind yourself of the happy memories, and perhaps incorporate them into these stories as well. That may help to lift the overall desperate and hopeless tone these pieces convey (if you would like your readers to enjoy your writing more). One place I think it would be good to add detail would be when you say you set a high goal for yourself...what was that goal?
One sentence that could use some clarification was: I switch from being happy when I’m around people, then crying everything out of me. You would do well to add more here, such as, "...out of me when I am alone." to make the sentence more even/parallel. I hope that makes sense.
Overall I think you did a great job conveying your thoughts and feelings. I do think this would work well as a poem with a few adjustments. You are a talented writer! I look forward to reading more of your work!
Yo Deepstries!
Welcome to YWS! I am rohan and let us head into reviewing your piece.
I liked the beginning as it dived straight away to the point. No need for introduction, no beating around the bush, just sit down and listen to my story. It might be a personal preference but I like such beginnings. Your choice of words are good and are grammatically correct throughout the piece; brownie points for that.
Now, I was intrigued by the beginning as it seemed like the stories of a character that has some dark secrets due to some tough experiences in life. But what it came across was the repetition of same thoughts over the span of the piece and without any explanation. Since I don't have any idea about the character except that she's 16, I as a reader did not get any reason to relate to the character. Despite the fact that this piece screams of suicidal tendencies, a reader cannot feel anything but a general sadness for a stranger. Overall, for the sake of the story to be more impactful, you need to give the reader instances that justify the narrator's claim to have experienced more trauma than any person would expect, or that there is a reason why she feels what she feels and that those sentiments are justified.
Also, I got quite worried after reading this piece (that is why I am writing this review) since it seemed like reading someone's personal diary after she has omitted every detail and only raw, incomprehensible emotion is left on the paper. If this is the case (I hope it isn't), please recollect the happy memories you have and/or reach out to someone. I'm sure you have heard this all before but sometimes it's worth to have a reminder since we tend to forget some of the simplest things in life.
PS: I forgot to mention that starting and ending with the same sentence gives me a picture that the narrator is lying on her bed thinking about the events from the past. Again, this would have been much stronger if we'd have known those events through the course of the story.
Keep writing, keep sharing, and be happy. If you want any advice, tips, chat, don't hesitate to drop a message.
-rohan