We had just moved into the city and today, we were moving into the new house.
I didn't like to come here at all as things were quite good in my old school but there can be excitement in life ,right?
"Ronald", my mom called me to help her open the door to our new house as she was holding a box in her hand.
I opened the door and it made a squeaky noise and we went in. Well, the house wasn't so big nor was it small.
It had two floors and some four rooms. One for mom and dad, one for me and one for my younger sister, Calmine. The other one was for guest, I guess.
It smelled different and I guess someone had lived here before as there was paint on the floor, a few splatters of yellow.
I went to my room. It had a study table and we had to buy a bed and all that.
I kinda liked it. I wondered why we got this house for quite less money.
It was pretty strange. But who cared and I went out to see if there were any guys who could be my friend. As I walked, the house made some strange noises.
I wanted to explore the house but that could wait, I guess.
I went out and I found a girl my age who was buying something from a nearby shop and I had to buy some gum so I had gone there. "Hey, Hello I'm Ronald", I said. "Oh hi, I'm Johanna", she said.
"I've just moved to this house", I said pointing at my house. "What to that house?" She asked. "Yep, why?" I asked.
"Nothing.. it's just that I've heard a lot of stories about this house."
"Like what?" I asked. "My mom told me that a family was living here before and they mysteriously disaapeared and she told that, it might be because of Spirits", she said.
I started laughing. "Okay. let's see what happens", I said trying to stop my laugh.
It was just a joke to me that time but now... nothing just continue reading.
I went inside and I saw a car stop near my house. My sister, dad and my dog had arrived with rest of the stuff."Bye", I said to the girl and went to pet my dog,doggy(long story).
“Hello brother,my sister said and smiled,I knew that smile. It told that she won't stop troubling me just because we are in another city.
I lifted my doggy up and I was excited to make him see the new house but unfortunately it jumped down my hands and started to run, it was the first time and so I started running behind it.
Things were real starting to be strange
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, darling!
You could writeFirst of all, I'd like to say that this can always be a very interesting idea to pull off, suburban horror and all. I think it could be very effective in the horror department, but there are a few little nitpicks.
Dialogue, for example, should have the comma inside the quotation marks. That's just a matter of grammar. You should also have a line break between characters talking; for example, if Ronald is speaking first, then Johanna talks, you absolutely need to have a line break. However, if Johanna is talking, then she takes a break to perform an action, then she's talking again, you don't need to have a line break.
Also, you don't need to have a tag (she said, I asked) for every single line or even most lines of dialogue - it can make the prose bulky, and the readers aren't interested in seeing "she said" or "I said" over and over again. I would suggest that you cut some of your dialogue tags and replace them with actions your characters do. For example, instead of
That's just an example, but you could always go over your writing and see about fixing up little things like that.
As far as the story itself goes, the actions move very quickly. While there could be a lot of description added in to slow the pacing, you could also describe how Ronald feels about this situation. There's a key rule of writing - "show, don't tell" - and this feels like a lot of telling. We're told that the house wasn't big nor small, with four bedrooms, but we don't know anything else about it - maybe in your head it's baby blue, with one window for every room and cream gables, with a shingled roof, and the door is painted ivory off-white, and the doorbell sounds like church bells, but we don't know any of that, because you haven't shown us. We don't know how long it takes Ronald to walk to the convenience store or wherever it is (we don't even know what it is); we don't know what his neighborhood looks like or anything.
Your characterization seems off - none of your characters, in short, feel very real. The mother is a stereotypical mother, your main character feels like a stereotypical teenage boy, Johanna feels like the stereotypical "oooh gotta have someone to warn him" and I have a feeling she's going to end up in the house later when it's haunted because she has a name and literally basically no one else has a name. When Ronald's sister shows up - Calmine? - she says "Hello, brother", and unless that's specifically in a very sugary-sweetly-sick saccharine tone, that's just going to sound like she's a robot, or a 500-year-old in a 10-year-old's body.
Overall, there's a lot of specific editing that needs to be done before the story can be edited, but there is some promising foreshadowing, and I'm interested in seeing how you handle moving forward in this story. Keep writing!
Thank you!
Hey, first of all welcome to YWS ^^ if you need to know absolutely anything just shoot me a PM! I hope you are liking this site so far and exploring its different forums and sections^^ Make the best use of them.
But, I felt that this could have turned out much better. Anyways, keep writing and I will be eagerly waiting for the next chapter! As well as more works from you in the near future 
Now lets get back to reviewing this story....this is a novel right? If so, thsn it would be real good if you could name this chapter as prologue or chapter 1 or however you wanted because then we will have a basic idea of what to expect in this chapter...because well I thought that its a story aaannddd was kinda sad that it finished so abruptly...imagine my face when I found out its supposed to have more chapters lol.
I liked your narration...how you wrote in first person and all that. However, it was a bit uneven at places and I felt that it did not contain any detail...like...I could not picture the scenes. The way you wrote it makes it look as though its a journal entry...because of the tone that Ronald was using and the way he was telling us the story. It is really useful if once in a while there is a paragraph which is written in third person...it makes the story much clearer without disrupting the flow. Your narrative was very simple but it is uneven and kinda does not suit the scenario...
Ofcourse, if you still wanted to write that way...then you could write in the point of views of different character every chapter that way we get to know and relate more to the story and its characters. Overall, I liked ghis chapter and this story..plot has potential to be something very awesome!
Erza~
Wow.. I that this website wasn't good but it is.. I'll edit this and also... Thank you.. Sweet person!