Published October 20, 2011
(Okay, this is my first time posting. Please, please help me make this better because I want to learn. But don't be to harsh cos Im young and learning!!!)
Why?
black bird
stops fluttering it's wings.
concrete from the mixer,
suspended before,
slapping against earth
cha hoo,
mouths still, tongues.
voice static
why?
and nothing will
exist after now.
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Canary word: Present
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Thanx guys! more coming soon!!!
I love the concrete mixer , it rocks my socks off, I have to say. It is a very nifty bit of observation right there. The other stanzas do not seem as biting as that, but there are still some strong ideas. I would be interested to see how this poem fits into your other works, I am not sure how to read it, as a singular experience or these overlapping glimpses. I don't mind the tongue so much (she said) I see it as a change of focus, like if you had two quick shots in a film, mouth, tongue, silence. The bird..... have you ever had a bird stuck in your house, and you have to catch them and set them free outside? If they're stressed, and completely oblivious to the open windows, curse you birds, they stick their tongues out. That is the image I have. I would like everything to be as evocative as the concrete though.
how do I get a profile picture?
Correct usage the possessive form of the pronoun "it" is "its" without the the apostrophe. Don't worry, it's a common mistake. Keep it up.
Wow. This isn't actually that bad, but however, because I have just started using this website a little while ago I'm still not really sure on what to do to this piece or how to tear it apart but I'll try my best. Though, I'm sure you'll get better reviews than this. So,
This I think would help a lot, though personally I really didn't understand why tounges was in this stanza:
As "tounges" doesn't really make sense in this stanza, I believe you should change it to this:
Other than these few things I really enjoyed it and I think you have potential. Great job and keep up the writing!!(: