Published July 8, 2011
Leave the rigid
pieces of my
broken heart,
lying scattered
on the marble
floor, so small,
so red with my
blood. Blood
washed away
by my tears.
Tears caused
by the pain
from the heart-
break. Heart-
break caused
by you.You
who promised
me forever,
you who said
you'd never
leave me, you
who told me
I was and
always would
be yours...
But that
was a lie...
from beginning
to end, everything
was a fairytale
play preformed
on a glorious
stage... But
now the tale
has turned
tragic, the
magic is gone,
the audience
non-existent.
the stage
empty.
All that is
left is me,
waiting to
be found,
the pool of
rose petal
liquid around
me. The note
held in my
lifeless,
hopeless grip.
" I THOUGHT
YOU LOVED ME. "
you will read.
" I THOUGHT
SOMEONE
ACTUALLY
CARED. "
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140,735 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
It was lovely, the formate could be better but wonderful. I would agree with some about the letter part that confused me really badly but other than that everything was clear in my mind.
This is beautiful. Morbid, powerful, emotional... Amazing. I had tears in my eyes by the time I finished reading it. I love the title - that was what initially piqued my interest. I found the structure a little jerky at first, but after a few lines I got used to it and really got into the flow.
I loved this line! Fantastic!
The fairytale metaphor was sensational, and I especially loved the 'glorious stage' you metioned. If there was one thing that threw me just a little, it was the note - it had me momentarily lost.
Overall an absolutely beautiful poem. You are very talented - promise me you'll keep on writing!
Two thumbs up!
Amy
Hmm, I hate to feel like the bad guy here, but personally while I read this it felt almost like one big run-on. I couldn't take a breath to stop and actually absorb what you're saying, ya know? And the choppiness created by your interesting line lengths didn't really work for me. It felt like overkill. Sometimes breaks like that leave you breathless, with the feeling 'What's next?' but it was just too much here.
As Veritas said, this is a very cliche theme, and that automatically put me off the poem somewhat...but, I have to agree, I could feel the emotion, and this didn't bore me as much as most romantic poems. So, really, not a bad piece. I guess it's just not my personal taste.
That was depressingly beautiful. I like how, for the first part of it, you made the last word of a sentence begin the next sentence. It really helped it flow. Nice work.
Hi there!
I really enjoyed this, it was very well written and the emotion was clear throughout the whole thing. This is a bit nit-picky, but I couldn't find anything else wrong with it so I'm gonig to say this one thing, if you don't mind. Like AlexT said, why was she holding a note? It threw me off a little bit, but the idea of it made the peice strong. Very nicely written, great job! Keep writing!
Morbidly beautiful, beautifully morbid...I really can't decide but i know it was great! Had tears in my eyes by the end. The whole broken-hearted thing is so cliche and I find myself giving my hardest critique on love poems, but I'm pleased to say that I really did enjoy this one! Very deep and emotional like it was real, not just something you came up with and decided to write about.
Bravo!
Veritas
Wow I really loved this. I could feel your emotion throughout every word. You obviously put a lot of thought into this, and I love it. At first I was unsure about the structure you used, but as I kept reading the short lines were extremely effective and really had me captivated. Every word had power and meaning behind it. Great job
Keep writing!
<3 Sara
First off--things that I really enjoyed and I thought were well written:
I absolutely loved the fairytale metaphor, as well as the poem's title. I could clearly see the scene happening in my mind.
Critique:
I didn't really understand why she would be holding a note. Was she about to give it to him? How was he going to read it? That was the one part I didn't like. I liked the concept, just not how you put it down on paper (eh, computer screen, if you will).
It was very sad and heart-wrenching...fantastic job!
Breath-taking. There are tears in my eyes, and now I'm sad, but that's good. Because a poem causing emotions is truly magnificent. Beautiful poem.