He kept an agressive grip on her searching soul . Her incrediable hold on fantacy urged him to tighten his grip and never let go . She was a dancer . Magestic , elegant , comlpletly devoid of any twisted demeanor, which was what he was entierly made of . He spoke to her with words of love and passion and admired her capability to transform the theatre into a place where people felt alive . His words clung to her heart and with every heavy empowering breath that stained her heart and left her weak . She became powerless and experienced numbness that lust had left her with .
She knew not of the monster that lingered within him .She knew not it was in her too. She was hopelessly mesmerized by his deceving words and handsome confidence as she was depressingly consumed by her insecurities . He took her out one night to the place she loved the most and took advantage of her .
He ripped her goodness straight from her chest and left her beating heart to go to rest . His name was Music , and he lusted on Dancer's soul . That destroyed her. She had actually destroyed herself . Her body was found with her hand resting on her bleeding heart . The record playing blaring tunes to her lifeless, resentful soul .
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Okay, this story was kind of like a roller coaster. Here's a few reasons why:
First, you here that the man has a grip on her soul. Then, you here that she has a good hold on her fantasies. That first sentence made me think that the girl was completely under his control. Then the next sentence made me think that the girl had more of hold on herself than the guy did.
Then the rest of the paragraph sort of makes the guy seem as though he was just a person watching and admiring the girls beautiful dancing. It sounds like the girl remembers meeting him once, and she remembers his words.
The girl gets weaker and weaker, then, she dies. You realize that the man was music, and the girl danced so much, she pushed her self to the point of death.
I saw a couple of spelling mistakes in the last 2 paragraphs. Might want to check those.
Hello Deanz!
I love the title! It does the story justice.
The story reminded me of Black Swan, though the concepts are different.
Alright, to the story.
It was poetic and beautiful. Even though it was a short piece it was complete. So great job there.
The E in elegant doesn't have to be capitalized. Other than that and the few typos I didn't find anything wrong in the story.
Great story! Love it!
-manisha
I think I once read somewhere that if one is writing about a tree, then the last thing that should be mentioned in the piece is the word "tree." You don't want to underestimate your readers. I think this piece has great potential to be something that is suspenseful and powerfully gripping. The evidence of your knack for suspense is seen in the fact that you deliberately chose to label the entities as "Music" and "Dancer" towards the end of the poem. However, you could have changed some things and let these entities go unnamed in order to properly play with the minds of your readers. Let them figure out what's happening for themselves. You don't need to tell us. I think you should take out the names, "Music" and "Dancer" and include other subtle pieces of evidence that would suggest to the readers that the story is about a relationship between a dancer and the music. Readers like to feel smart, and letting them figure out things by themselves is one way of doing that.
I've got to say that you have excellent skills of description. Although some spelling errors took away from it, I was able to follow the narrative and I totally fell in love with the way you describe the characters and the action. I think if you work on it this could be something awesome.
Hey! Firstly, I have to say you're title is very gripping. One look at the title, and I want to read it, know what the story is about. I am drawn to it. So, good job at choosing name.
Now to the story itself. Great idea. Good thought. I really like it. This is a very artistic and poetic piece of work. The only issue is the spelling mistakes that you seem to have done in abundance. However, it is nothing that can't be fixed with minor editing. Other than that, really beautiful. Good job!
Hey there, Deanz, I just came across this in the green room and the title really caught my interest so i thought I'd take a look. I briefly skim read the first paragraph and was really impressed, so I thought I'd see if i could give you a review after reading the whole thing. I'll begin with the minor, nit-picky things.
You need a comma or two in this sentence, something like this maybe: He spoke to her with words of love and passion, and admired the theatre into a place where people felt alive.
You need t use breath here rather than breathe, and the repetition of the word heart in this sounds a bit awkward. I'd consider rephrasing a little.
*Hopelessly, *mesmerized, and *deceiving
This is entirely personal to be honest, but I don't really think rhyming in otherwise non-rhyming prose sounds very good... So I'd maybe try and rephrase this.
I thought that this was a really good piece, and while you had quite a lot of misspellings and typos and what not, the content of this piece was actually really great. You had some lovely, poetic lines in here and I love the sort of extended metaphor you have throughout this. If you were to clean up some of your grammatical errors, I really think this piece would shine and become ten times better because the technical quality of a piece can have surprising impact on the overall impact of that piece. In terms of these mistakes, all you need to do is run your writing through a spell checker (you can find them online if you don't have MS Word) before posting it. That way, all typos and misspellings can be fixed in advance.
I have to be honest and say that I don't really have any substantial critiques due to the fact that as well as this being a good piece of writing, it is obviously very short. One thing I would like to suggest though is that I think this piece would benefit from you really revving up some of the emotive language with the strength of the adjectives, verbs, and what not. I think this would especially be effective towards the end. You use some good ones as it stands, but I think you should step it up in terms of the harshness and strength. Take this line, for example:
It's a good line, and I like the adjectives you're using in it. What I think could be altered though is the verb, playing. I think you need something harsher, somewhat more violent sounding to really create impact as it's the last line. Perhaps you could replace playing with a verb such as screeching.
Obviously it's not a massive difference, but I feel it's a more effective verb to use because it really packs a punch in comparison to simply playing. Plus as this specific line is the last line, the more impact the better!
Basically what I'm trying to say is that wherever you can, don't be afraid to really go for it when it comes to the variation and strength of your word choice. Even if you feel it getting a bit over the top, I think you can get away with it in this piece because it's short, poetic, and a very emotive piece of fiction already. You've already got some great word choice I think, so you don't even need to do much really, but there's always room for more pushing.
Other than that, I honestly don't think I have anything else I can really say in terms of advice, critiques, and suggestions. If you fix those grammatical errors and try and see if you can push this even further in terms of emotive language and impact, I think this could be pretty amazing. I'm really interested in seeing what writing you'll create in the future because judging by this piece, you're a great writer.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Oh wow :/so embarrassing ... thanks for the advice though .
Hello
I really like what you've done with this - it's as though neither can live without the other even though the music can always find another dancer.
I really like the line - "depressingly consumed by her insecurities." I like how realistic this is in terms of how insecurities really can stop you from seeing the truth around you. You want to believe that someone is interested in you no matter how bad they truly are.
Few typos that I picked up on:
Agressive - Aggressive
incrediable - incredible
fantacy - fantasy
comlpletly - completely
magestic - majestic
deceving - deceiving
advantge - advantage
resetntful - resentful
My keyboard often misbehaves also!
Hope this helped. Good luck and keep writing