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12+ Mature Content

She Is Not Hungry .

by Deanz

From a deep slumber , she awakens . Weakness is seen but a small fragment of strength, I know, is felt . With every blackout , with every strikeout , she comes out of it . She barely survives .

It all started with a little less . Just a little . Fasting gone wrong . Her starved limbs hung over the bed lifeless . Her eyes heavily lifted as I checked her vitals . Her heartbeat was beating faintly in the distance . To think she brought this on herself . A need to be better , to be loved , to fit in . Such a young soul full of spirit . A life cut short by the influence of judgmental eyes of jealous females who are scared of being in their own skins .

The night did smell bitter . The dead cold hallways , fearful . The walls silent . Echoes of whispering sorrow scream through the walls , leaving me distracted . So much pain lies here . Dim lights that seem to be short circuiting , flickering to the floor . I can't sleep. My thoughts are on her .

Early hours of the morning are the most significant . The warmth of the sunrise burst through my office window leaving me breathless . Gobbling down a moist doughnut and a hot cup of coffee is just what I needed .It pains me to enjoy food like this when she can barley hold down a single bite . Opposed to her I am digging my grave with my knife and fork . Eating excessively will consume me whereas a lack thereof will consume her .

I did my rounds . Checking on patients from strongest to weakest . The nurse hauled her out of bed for a quick bath . Her robe loosened accidentally revealing her bare back . The nurse quickly pulled it upend turned around facing me awaiting my reaction . I was paralyzed in the doorway . My eyes wide fixated on her skeletal figure . I feel a cold stream of tears tumbling down my hysterical face . I never cry but this is heart breaking . A child . A twelve year old child is meant to embrace her unique build and is not meant to look like she was caught in the coarseness of the worst kind of poverty .

I need a quiet space to just wallow in my sorrow . I lock myself in the janitors closet where my only company was a few rags , a lonely broom leaning against a bucket , and piles of workers overalls . I bury my head between my knees and sobbed until my face burned . My thoughts drifted uncontrollably to her unnecessary suffering .

My daughter , Audrey , which means strength , had finally found peace . Her heart , which was trapped , was slowly unchained and set free . People say that when you look in the mirror , you see reality .The mirror doesn't lie .. or does it ?

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331 Reviews

Points: 10565
Reviews: 331

Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:31 am
Blackwood wrote a review...

Wow.... ummm you have something really funky going on with your punctuation here and the symbols are jumping all over the place. You are not supposed to have spaces.

But the story, is another kind of wow. It was really good and I can't emphasis that enough. It captures the reality of anorexia well and I like the perspective you wrote it from. If anything I would like some more description of her body when she sees her. There is potential for some really impacting imagery in there that will simulate the feeling the nurse/mother is feeling into the reader themselves.
On that note I couldn't really tell who the narrator was so maybe you could clarify that up a bit.

Also, I sort of disagree, and nothing agaist her, with Iggy on this one. I like how it is written without adjectives and the subtle lack of description really adds to it. This is because if you put yourself inn the shoes of the mother( if that's what she is) ten you aren't going to care what she looks like, anything else. All you see is what she is becoming, all you see is that she is dying, and you captured this well. Sometimes a lack of description can be just as powerful as that of, saving it for the important scenes such as the horrifying bones. It is certainly more powerful in your case than excess description

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933 Reviews

Points: 4311
Reviews: 933

Fri Aug 16, 2013 11:18 pm
Iggy wrote a review...

Hey there. This is a real review, swear it ^^

First off, fix your formatting. Either you did this on purpose, or something is causing there to be a space between the ending word of the sentence and the punctuation. That is not grammatically correct. Your sentences need to be just like mine, with proper punctuation where needed and definitely no spacing. The period/comma belongs directly after the very last letter, not after a space.

Speaking of punctuation, that seems like your biggest weakness and my main nitpick. That is something you can work on. I noticed a few sentences that were missing needed commas.

This seems more like a narrative then it does a story. I don't want you to tell me about Audrey, I want you to show me her. What does she look like? Blonde, brunette, redhead? Green, blue, yellow eyes? Especially the anorexia, tel is more than just her spine popping out of her back. There's the skinny legs, the lanky arms, saggy skin, etc.

Other than that, nicely written! I think you could do more to define the mother; her pain, her love, and her position in Audrey's life. At first, I thought she was the doctor.

It was a pleasure to read! Keep on writing!

~ Iggy.

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46 Reviews

Points: 204
Reviews: 46

Fri Aug 16, 2013 11:18 pm
LMJRayner wrote a review...

Very heart felt and it shows in the writing, the ending was really strong as well :-

"My daughter , Audrey , which means strength , had finally found peace . Her heart , which was trapped , was slowly unchained and set free . People say that when you look in the mirror , you see reality .The mirror doesn't lie .. or does it ?"

The way it flowed was very disjointed and robotic which is how I read it, pausing after every piece, almost like a poem. As if she's getting choked up as she says it. Ending it with a question is always a good finisher and it sits well. There were a few grammatical errors like :-

"burry my head between my knees"

burry should be bury

"She barley survives ."

barley should be barely, this comes up quite a bit.

And you also seem to add a space before every comma and full stop. Usually it's just one space after it, there isn't a need for one before unless that was intentional. Description was really good and it flowed really well I particularly liked this line :-

"Echoes of whispering sorrow scream through the walls , leaving me distracted ."

leaving me distracted just sounded really cool. Almost personifying the dread she's feeling.

Enjoyed reading it, hope this helped.


We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies