Castaway
I grabbed an armful of clothes and stuffed it in my small bag. I had also grabbed my compass, I didn’t know what I should bring but it seemed helpful. I wasn’t sure how much time I had to leave. I slowly moved to the door, grabbed the cold doorknob and twisted it open. I slowly pulled the door open a tiny crack, big enough to see through the door and down the hall. There was a small candle on the small wooden table in the hall and it was lit. Above the wooden table there was a long steel sword. I wasn’t sure if Master was in the other room but I had to check. I moved slowly down the hall making sure not to make a sound.
I turned the corner and saw Master Jin in his chair. His head was hanging off the side of the chair so far down that it looked like it was about to break off.
“Oh thank the gods,” I said under my breath. I moved like a shadow through the living room. Slowly, very slowly. The gods must not have wanted me to leave. I forgot about the squeaky floorboard near the doorway across the room and I walked right over it. The loud squeak woke Master Jin up. I was caught.
“You have tried to leave again. After all I have done for you, you want to leave. Your parents would have not wanted this. You will stay in your room until I say you may leave.”
I slowly walked to my room and he walked right behind me. If I had not forgotten about that floorboard I would have not gotten caught! Once I stepped in the room he shut the door and I heard the door click which meant he had locked it.
It felt like every minute was an hour. I walked around my small room thinking of a way to escape. After a while I had gotten bored and decided to take a nap.
When I woke up I saw Master Jin standing at the door holding it open, he was letting me leave! He waited for me to leave the room and walked behind me. I walked into the living room and on the small wooden table was rice and a cup of tea. I walked towards the table, grabbing the cup of tea and slurping it down. Once the water was finished I grabbed a spoon and started eating the rice. Even though I usually dislike eating rice it tasted good since I hadn’t eaten in awhile.
“After you are done you must go to the market and get some vegetables. Once you are back you must help me make paper,” said Master Jin. He handed me a two copper coins and waved me towards the door, telling me to go now. Couldn’t he tell I was hungry? I walked out of the house, it was around five in the afternoon. I could tell it had been raining the day before or today because there were puddles of water on the streets. I heard the soft splash every time I walked through a puddle.
Before I knew it I was standing in front of the vegetable booth. The man at the booth asked me what I wanted. His name was Bo and I have known him since I had first been given to Master Jin. He had a white tunic made from silk. He was very rich but he still wanted to sell vegetables as a living because he enjoyed meeting people.
“May I have a dozen carrots?” I grabbed the two coins that Master Jin had given me. He grabbed it and handed me the dozen of carrots. I turned around and ran right into a boy around my age. I fell and dropped my carrots. He fell as well but he got up very quickly and helped me up.
“I am sorry I wasn’t paying attention,” he said. He seemed anxious and very stressed like he was in a hurry to go somewhere.
“No, it was my fault, I’m sorry,” I picked up my carrots and I was about to walk away but I wanted to know who he was, “What is your name?”
“My name is Jian. What is yours?”
“Fung,” I responded. Every second I was there I get more curious of who he was, “Do you work for anyone?”
“Yes, I’m an apprentice of Zhuang,” He said, then he whispered, “He is very cruel.”
“I am an apprentice as well. I work for Master Jin. He is cruel,” I wanted to stand there and keep on talking but it was turning nightfall. Master Jin would suspect something if I went back at night.
“Well I must go. It is getting dark,” I said.
“Wait, we both have very cruel masters,” Jian said. He whispered again, “I am running away from mine.”
“I tried and he caught me. I wasn’t quick enough.”
“You’re out now. If you ran away he would not be able to find you.”
“Yes but I would need clothes if I was going to run away.”
“I have coins,” He held out his hand and he had a sack of coins. Should I run away? I had the chance but I barely knew this boy. I looked back at Master Jin’s house which was far back. This was my chance. I could leave forever and find a better home.
“I will go with you. I do not need clothes right now. We should go as far as possible, so our masters won't be able to find us,” I said. I did not know any other cities but this boy must know where he is going, “Where should we go?”
“Let us head north. The city Chengdu is far but it is the closest city to Xi’an. We have to start walking now. After a couple of miles we will sleep. I have brought two blankets with me and some pillows,” Jian started down the street. He walked very fast and I had to almost jog to catch up with him. We walked down the street and go farther into places I don’t recognize. He seems to know this part of Xi’an better than me.
Jian abruptly turns to a short road. We start walking into the outer parts of Xi’an. There are very few trees and short grass. It is very dark. I doubt that anyone can see us. Suddenly he starts to run and I start sprinting to catch up to him.
“Why are you running?” I yell. He doesn’t respond. His eyes focused ahead on the hill in front of us. We keep on running, the wind softly rustling the very few trees as we run by. Once we were over the hill Jian stops running.
“I was running to make sure nobody saw us. If anyone saw us they would suspect that something is wrong. We will rest here,” He says. Then he takes off the pack he has and sets it on the dry golden grass. He opens it up and pulls out two blankets and two pillows; one for me and one for him. I grab the blanket and pillow and set the blanket down on the ground. There was enough blanket left so I could wrap it around myself. I lay down wondering what would happen if we freeze or starve.
Then I started thinking about Jian. He does not say much about what he is doing or who he is. I started getting bored thinking about Jian so I thought about Master Jin. I wonder what he is doing right now. Is he searching for me? Or is he happy I am gone. After a while of thinking I drifted off to sleep.
“Wake up. We have to eat fast,” Jian said. He had a bowl of rice in his hand. I took the bowl and started eating.
“What do we do once we reach Chengdu. What are you planning?” I asked. I was curious of what he wanted to do. I looked into his dark brown eyes to see if I could see it in his eyes but I could not.
“I am not sure. I am thinking of finding a new person to work for. A person that is more polite than Master Zhuang,” He said very quietly. I had finished my bowl of rice and put it with Jian’s which he had finished very quickly. We grabbed our blankets and pillows and packed them into his bag. Then we started walking towards the hills facing south.
During our journey we switched bags every once in awhile. I had gotten tired after a few minutes of holding the bag so Jian had held it more often than I had. We walked until noon or so and saw a small house in a very flat area.
“Should we head to the house?” I asked Jian. There was a long silence as he stared at the house for about two minutes.
“It does not look bad. Anyways we do need water,” He said. He started towards the house and I followed close behind. Once we reached the house Jian knocked on the red door. A lady wearing a long green tunic appeared at the doorway.
“How may I help you?” She asked.
“We need water. We’re on our way to Chengdu and it is a long journey. We-” Jian stopped me and pulled me aside.
“Wait we both want a new person to work for.. Maybe we could work for this lady.” He said. I said nothing and let him talk to the lady.
“Well we are looking for a person to work for.. May we work for you?” Jian asked. There was a long pause. She was likely to say no but she said, “Yes. I already have taken in two other children,” As she said that two other children appeared in the doorway. One young boy that looked around 5 or 6 and a girl that looked around 15.
“Hello, Mistress Siddhartha must have taken in two others,” The girl said, “My name is Keung and his name is Chun.”
We walked into the small house. I was very excited to be working for a new person that was not Master Jin. The children seemed nice and the lady, Mistress Siddhartha seemed nice as well.
Everyday we helped Mistress Siddhartha make porcelain to sell, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. I enjoyed it here with Siddhartha, it was better than being with Master Jin.
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Some Brief Mistakes:
-"Your parents would have not wanted this." I feel like this is awkward phrasing--'Would not have' would be better. Not that it's wrong, it's just awkward and distracting.
-"After a while I had gotten bored and decided to take a nap." I suggest putting a comma between 'while' and 'I'.
-"He handed me a two copper coins" Two copper coins will do, no need for an 'a'.
-"He was very rich but he still wanted to sell vegetables as a living" For a living, not as a living.
-"Well I must go." I suggest putting a comma between 'Well' and 'I'.
-"Or is he happy I am gone." A question mark in the end would be nice, considering it is a question.
-"Wait we both want a new person to work for.." One full stop will do, thank you.
Now, onto the actual review:
Generally speaking, compared to the other China-set works I think I may like this one much better. It was coherent, there was something that resembled characters and relationships being formed, and everything was overall more well written here. However, I will say that you still rushed the story a bit at some points, but it wasn't too bad, really.
Let's start with when Jian mentions how his master was cruel. You simply had the boy say "my master is cruel" and left it at that, without having him tell a story about how cruel his master is or anything of that sort. It felt unbelievable at points, and I wished you could've told his story a little more, as it would develop his character as well.
And then we have Mistress Siddharta. I'm not sure if she was intentionally named after Siddharta Gautama or if it's just a common name, but it's a very beautiful gateway to her character. Despite this, we never really got to know her as she only spoke a few lines of dialogue and didn't even do anything that would suggest her kind nature, ie give the children food or a place to sleep for the night. I think it would've been nice if you had her do that first and then, while they're preparing to depart, they decide to stay instead. That would be lovelier, I think.
As it is now, though, its a very cute story, and I quite liked reading it.
Signing out,
--EM.
I like how you started your story with a hook that had action. I can also tell that you showed not tell because you can tell in the begging how he lookes threw the doorknob. I wonder if you could tell us where Chengdu was. I wonder if you could have made the ending a little more exitting because all of the rest of the story was so good but then it feels like you spolled the ending. Overall you story was very well written i would just fix the ending a little. Oh ya also when you put Numbers in a story you always write them like five not 5.
I sense that these people all go to the same school XD