Hello! Here to review and get this out of the Green Room!
'I heard the so awaited scream' but then the voice is described as 'so gentle.' These two things don't really go together.
Why are you using dashes for dialogue tags? Those aren't needed.
'It was dark and a light wind was blowing' - the use of 'dark' and 'light' in one sentence reads a little weird.
“I wand (want) to share something. We promise to don’t (not) keep secrets from each other so…”
'I’m not comfortable with talking about that when we’re surrounded with (by) all these people."
'So that was the thing which bothered her (him)'
“You know, a relationship doesn’t last forever, so don’t overreact. Do you think it was easy for me to-“ - wow. Now that was cruel. They're better off without him!
'You were always acting cold, you were rude, but I didn’t give up. I won’t be surprised if you have never loved me, you could have at least told me at the beginning…” - okay, if this was happening from the beginning, the warning signs were there. You could expand on this to really make the point of 'trust your gut.' This could be a really good piece on not trying to force a relationship when you know something isn't right.
'I wasn’t able to stop looking at them with my brown eyes, now covered in tears.' - the mention of their eyes being brown feels kinda weird here. Why would they specifically comment on their own eye colour?
I'm a little confused by the ending, I'm not sure the reasoning behind switching the POV to omnipotent narrator at the end. It didn't really add anything to the story.
Overall, this is a simple, short piece that could pack a punch if you really focused on the relationship and it's nuances.
Considering the narrator says that they're not surprised if their partner never loved them, it feels like a big change from the beginning with them thinking 'I felt worried for no reason. Something was going to happen, but for the first time I had no idea of the future.' If they had doubts from the start, it's weird for them to mention that this is the first time that their future is unclear.
Really delve into these two characters. Understand their relationship and who they are to each other. It will help the reader connect to them and really feel their emotions.
Hope this helps!
Points: 304
Reviews: 289
Donate