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Goodbye

by Dawnpath1


Good bye me,
You've been replaced;
You're worth nothing to anybody
You've been defaced.

Good bye voice,
You are worthless
What good are you when
You have to shout to have purpose?

Good bye heart,
You hold me back
You tear me apart
You make my life wack.

Good bye pride,
I can't have you anymore,
Apparently you make me mean,
With you I can't conform.

My feelings are shattered,
My heart is shoved aside,
My soul's a bit battered
I'm empty inside.

I almost did it,
Stood up for myself,
But how can I talk back
To my parents themselves?

I swear I could die,
When I hear her voice,
My stepmom kills joy
And stole my dad boys.

My dad is with her,
It's easy to see.
He's the only reason I try
To block out the grief.

I almost left yesterday,
I almost said good bye.
I almost had a soul.
I almost had a life.

I know she desn't see it,
But she makes a lot of pain,
Especially when all I hear
Are curses and  commands.

I'm almost gunna do it,
But I know I can't ever leave;
As long as I have spirit,
My dad's too important to me.


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Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:40 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



I know that feel! I know that feel! Ugh! Step moms. D:

But, wow, after reading your replies to other reviews, I don't feel like I really want to post here. You realize that this is a forum for constructive criticism, not just display and praise, right? Things posted here are assumed to be under an editing process and open for revision, suggestions, not something that the author will defend against any sort of change (besides correcting typos) with every ounce of their strength.

If you write poetry only for yourself, WHY on earth is it on this forum?

Why? Because you do not write poetry only for yourself. If you did, you would be content to look at it by yourself and express things to yourself.

If you don't care whether other people understand your poem, why do you even reply to their reviews? Just let them be wrong and let the people who understand understand if that's the way you want to go about it.

However. You posted this here, so a review is what you'll get from me.

I want to ask for more specifics. I think it's clear that a lot of people share similar experiences to you. Lots of people get in a place where their dads have remarried and their step mom is terrible from their perspective, but they can't do anything about it, 'cause they're kids. And I think there's some value in writing vague words at which they can recall their own personal experiences, but I also think that's someone anyone can do and not the extent of your capabilities. I think this piece would be more moving, effective, and accessible if it were to attempt to describe the frustration acutely. Clearly. Completely, so that even people who never had a step mom would know the way it boils under your skin that your house has been invaded by this woman who didn't know you when you were two and yet thinks she can tell you what to do? Where did she start feeling comfortable with this authority?

I also think that it's not at all clear that you had another home to potentially run to. Like, it's obvious if you think about it that you have a mom's home to go to, but it seemed like you were just trying to run away. There was no hint that you were thinking of running TO someone. Which is interesting. Do you value your dad over your mother? Do you get time away from your step mother? Those are just questions, not necessarily ones whose answers fit in the poem. But specificity -- moments of fire between you and your step mom and your dad -- might.

You also do clearly contradict yourself:

I almost had a soul.


&

As long as I have spirit,


Soul and spirit and generally used interchangeably. And I know the feelings aren't constant -- you sometimes feel broken, but sometimes you feel strong, so maybe if you changed it to reflect that these are your feelings in the moment and not objective realities about your person (the presence or absence of spirit or soul), it would read easier.

I want to say now I'm not going to come back to this thread, so I won't see your reply to my review. I don't want you to argue with the things I've said, because it seems like that's all you've done to suggestions. Just take what my impressions and my opinions or leave them.

If you want to discuss them for purposes of artistic growth, my PM box and wall are open to you! :)

Good luck and push on! Keep writing.




Dawnpath1 says...


Woot, a little angry on the first bit. Allow me to clarify:
I write poems for myself, this was one of them.
I post themhere to get feedback on how to make it better, then anylize the feedback to see if it fits the message I want to send the audience (Future me).
I post them here so that if I ever make a book, they're all in one place
I post them here, because I have nowhere else to put them...

Umm, you bring up some interesting points, (and I definitely find your points easier to read, more effective, and less just to say something) so I think I'm going to write this something like this:

You're personal questions:
Yah, my stepmom and I tend to not get along, and this poem here, probably had a lot to do with the feeling for need of attention. I was just so angry that, inistead of typing out the poem I wrote, I made another one and wrote down whatever popped into my head. I use that as a coping mechanism, it usually shows up in my roleplaying. My teachers also say that, "I have good voice." And that'd be the reason behind the earlier messages; I absolutely positively suck at grammar. Also, I don't respond to well to critisim that I determine was not constructive or took no time to make. This is why I actually hate reviewing other peoples work, because I don't know what to tell them. If you ever get a Dawnpath Review... (Shudder) I really needed the points. And, in my defense, at least I do respond to these. It's confirmation that I read them.

She started feeling comfortable immediately after marrying my dad. This is kind of a double-edged blade; we (my brother and I) used to hate her because she would not tell us exactly what needed to be done, and told us in a... non-assertive way. Unfortunately, now she speaks to us as if we're dogs, cusses out her son my half-brother, who is 9 months, and is still vague with commands.

I don't value my dad over my mom, at least consciously. If anything, I value my mom over my dad. She's been super supportive and happy to help me in a jam. My mom and I are close-knit, but the poem is more about my anger and frustration.

I have more time with my step mom than my dad or mom, and it kills me. We avoid each other like the plague.

Actually, I think I have another poem that you... might like. It is very, very clear. Very clear. It's also explicit. Let's see if I can find it. I experienced a small amount of guilt in writing it, but it needed to be done, even if the people involved never read it. It's raw, and I haven't touched it since I wrote it. Read at your own risk: blog/Dawnpath1/thoughts_from_a_son_b-56331.html

You're text suggestions:

Oh god, my contradictions... Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out a new line.I remember coming up with some crazy way to counter that, but that was just me coming to closure at the end of the poem. (I do that a lot so it feels complete to me)

The indefinity of the poem, is kinda another thing I do. I don't know if you've read any of my other works, but I write feelings more than scenarios. If you were wondering, I'm INFP. I don't expect you to know what that means, but it's a personality type. Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving. Emphasis on feeling there. But, like I said, for your reading pleasure is the angriest poem I've ever written. I shall now copypasta this onto a nice looking PM.



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Tue Jan 22, 2013 6:15 am
znale1 says...



I like your poem very much but you've made mistakes like "gunna" I think you've made a mistake there and "comands" I don't think you spell it correctly. Is this based on your life? :)




Dawnpath1 says...


Gunna is not a mistake, it's more of a flavor word of preference for going to. Because this is poetry, it's fine. Commands is spelled with two m's. I'll see what I can do.



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Sat Dec 01, 2012 3:05 am
indieeloise wrote a review...



Hello!~

I'll break this down stanza by stanza.


"Goodbye pride,
I can't have you anymore,
My family says you make me
A bad, bad boy."

The last two lines of this stanza just seem sort of off to me - try reading it aloud, and maybe you'll catch it as well. They just seem sort of irrelevant.
My suggested revision:
"Goodbye pride,
You can't have me anymore,
No longer will you reign
a hubristic stentor."

("Hubristic" and "stentor" actually flow very nicely together since they both are derived from Greek mythology, just a helpful tip.)


"My feelings are shattered,
My heart is shoved aside,
My souls' a bit battered
I'm empty inside."

"Souls'" should be "soul's", since it is a possessive singular noun.


"My stepmom kills joy
And stole my dad, boys."

I'm a bit confused on these two lines - who are these boys that the narrator addresses?


"I know she doesn't see it,
But she makes a lot of pain,
Especially when all I hear
Are curses and comands."

Try using a less generic, more descriptive verb than "make" - such as create, or better yet, fabricate. And "comands" should be "commands."


"I'm almost gunna do it,
But I know I can't ever leave;
As long as I have spirit,
My dad's too important to me."

Well, that's kind of a depressing ending. It really carries no weight of impact to the reader - maybe it speaks volumes to you, but you're the writer and you are very vague with this last paragraph. The narrator is almost going to do what..? (Also, "gunna" should be "gonna", if you are using the contraction of "going to.") And, "spirit"..? I thought the narrator pointed out earlier that he could not have spirit or a voice because he would only be overlooked.


I can really connect with this poem, as my own father recently remarried and family issues haven't been ideal. From one young writer to another.. Pick your battles, but don't bury your voice. You cannot complain if even you don't stand up for yourself. Best wishes on your journey - you'll turn out stronger in the wash.
~Indie.




Dawnpath1 says...


Alright, well, I have no idea what hubristic stentor even means. And if I don't know it, I'm probably not going to use it.

That's a typo, I'll fix it.

The narrator is addressing the audience. Boys is just a term thrown around. It kind of suggests the audience is a bit rough, and mostly male, but in this instance, it''s just the audience.

Not really sure why you need fancy language to portray frustration. Honestly, I don't really think that fabricates or creates is better, because it just makes me sound more snobbish and high class. The point of the poem is to be much more laid back, such fancy terminology isn't really necessary.

Again, typo.

Depressing ending, it's what I'm going for. Not exactly a happy poem. It carries no weight of impact to you, and honestly, since when did I start righting these kinds of poems for anyone but myself? I know it sounds selfish, but I think poetry should be a way to express yourself. In this poem, I'm trying to let out some frustration in having zero say.

Almost going to... good question. I guess you could interpret to 'kill themselves,' but since the narrator is me,and I know I'm not that brave, I'll tell you what I, personally, felt it meant. I hate doing this, because it's a stupid way of doing things, and honestly, me TELLING YOU every detail about a poem completely and utterly ruins any sort of critical thinking it may have brought about. I almost moved to my biological mother's house. I know she wants me too, wants me there, but the problem is that I've lived my whole life here. It's just... a lot of change.

Gunna and gonna very, this is just nitpicking and that you put it down tells me that you either needed the points really bad, or that you are a grammar nazi. Not a bad thing, but let's be honest, was that really important?

I did not say he didn't have a spirit. Read carefully, I said his soul is battered. I said he didn't have a voice, but you can not have a voice, and still have a spirit.

Thanks for your review.



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Thu Nov 08, 2012 5:23 pm
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Dawnpath1 says...



Says I have 5 reviews, can only see 1...




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Thu Nov 08, 2012 1:18 pm
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BaByLa1989 wrote a review...



i love this piece.... keep writing, keep up the good work :D




Dawnpath1 says...


Thank you




Oh gosh this is so far from a lemur. That's pitiful.
— Jack Hanna