The last start prologue re-edited

Okay, just to add to what Rydia said, perhaps you should make it more realistic: no way someone with a broken ankle would be able to outrun lots of men with guns. Switch to a broken arm, or another equally painful injury for realism.

Then when she enters the warehouse, perhaps you could make her more deperate to get out before they blocked all the exits, because then she would be trapped. Then another nitpick: she said that she would hide there, but instead, breezed through the nearest exit (which should have been blocked).

I agree with Rydia that you should descibe and explain more, but saying that she had escaped from the Mafia, straight out, spoils the surprise and slackens the tension which would have carried the reader into the next chapter. I would suggest substituting some description of the horrors of the place, to keep the reader curious, then reveal exactly what was going on in the first chapter.

In the start, you say "they will catch me." Then the bullet skims past her. That does not look like catching; rather like killing. So that is very sudden for the reader, who still does not know whether she's escaped from a prison, a hospital or an orphanage. (That was my first guess, incidentally.)

So, those are my nitpicks. Overall, well done! I'm curious to know what happens next . So, if you need a review on the next chapter, just post on my wall and I'll come running!

barefoot

Hi! Alright so I don't normally review prologues as I'm not the biggest fan of them but I thought I'd give this a shot. My first piece of advice is you need to make it longer! In book terms this would cover about two pages? Double that and then you'll be alright.

I like the unusual formatting you've used, it's so rare to see a prologue set out like this but it might have been better if you'd used poetic language to go with the structure. Not full poetry but more half and half than a piece of prose layed out like poetry.


If I stop they will force me back to that place.

I wanted to pick this line out as it's a good example of where you could add more detail/ make this more dramatic! It's very easy to generalise and say that place but it doesn't give your reader anything to picture. At the moment you're throwing emotions at them and the vague sense than someone is being chased somewhere and by some people but that's not enough to start building the scene. Telling us where she/ he has escaped from will help! It will create intrigue and give you one of those all important building blocks to build on later. If you say it's a hospital, suddenly the person fleeing is wearing a patient gown and those chasing her are an assortment of police and doctors. If you say a lab... well maybe they're crazy scientists. Basically, the more detail you give us, the more involved in your story we will become.

I cannot go through what I went through in there again!

I'll not ramble about this too much but again you're being too general. Give us hints. Is it needles she can't face or starvation or humiliation? Maybe she's just run away from home or the circus or a stage performance? I don't know. I'm speculating because I'm bored and if I'm speculating, I'm not paying enough attention to your story.

A big abandoned warehouse where all you can hear is silence and the occasional rustle of rats moving around the place.
I can hear their footsteps all around me.

I think you need to work on the description in these section. First there's silence but then suddenly there are rats scuttling and footsteps all around. Seconds ago we had them calling out and we know they're all running so there's bound to be footsteps- it's hard to believe that there's any silence. Maybe a deep, heavy quiet but not silence. You only get silence in a vacuum or when people aren't moving or speaking or doing anything.

My first burst of fresh air in nine months.

Uh... where was she/ he before entering the warehouse? I'm nit-picking now but I had the impression that they were outside and then ducked into a warehouse which would suggest they've already had a breath of fresh air?


Alright so this isn't a bad start, the end is intriguing. It makes me think he or she is dead and this will be some kind of ghost story. Or maybe you meant metaphorically that the injuries weren't there anymore? It might be a good idea to clear that up but yeah, there's something to work with here. You need more description though and you need to decide what you want this prologue to do for you? Why are you using one? Are you going to have a time skip or a character change and if so, does this play a significance in the later action?

Just a few things to think about. Good luck with it!

Heather xxx