Prologue
"She's gone in there. Quick! Don't stop. Run after her!"
Their breathy, frantic shouts echo around me but I don't stop.
I can't stop.
If I stop they will catch me.
If I stop they will force me back to that place.
I can't go back!
I won't!
I cannot go through what I went through in there again!
"She's in that warehouse. Block all the exits. Don't let her escape."
The warehouse is pitch black.
So dark in fact that you can't even see one foot infront of yourself.
This is the best place I can hide.
A big abandoned warehouse where all you can hear is silence and the occasional rustle of rats moving around the place.
I can hear their footsteps all around me.
A bullet skims past my head and I hold in a gigantic scream.
I slip through the nearest exit and am whacked in the face with a burst of fresh, crisp air.
My first burst of fresh air in nine months.
I don't stop running for another two miles or so.
My feet are aching.
My back is nearly breaking.
The pain i've suffered in the last nine months is really coming back on me.
The whip marks are burning my skin.
The slits in my arms are re-opening and my blood stains the road.
My eye is throbbing and swelling itself shut.
My broken ankle is taking all my body weight on it and I can not do anything about it.
I'm seizing up all over but I refuse to stop.
When I finally stop I reflect on the events of this fateful day.
I escaped!
I escaped from the mafia!
I escaped and they aren't at all happy.
I escaped from the mafia and they will do whatever it takes to get me back!
This is my last chance.
This is my last start!
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Howdy
I'm going to review your work!
Okay so unlike most of the other works I've reviewed I think that this prologue looks a little too broken up. I feel like it needs to have more of a paragraphing structure attached to part of it. They layout makes it more like a poem.
Great introduction to the prologue but I feel that what needs to follow this is something that can link it together. We've had some breathy, short, sharp sentences now lets vary it. But the shortness continues.
I think this sentence is a little clumsy.
We 'ive' needs to have a capital 'I'.
'Cannot'.
Overall this is good. It is a great prologue however I feel that you need to make it flow a little more!
Hi! I think this is the re-write you wanted me to look at? If not, just let me know and give me a push in the right direction, with a link preferably. It's pretty difficult to find people's work without portfolios so that would help a lot!
While I'm here though, let's take a look
Style
I like the new style at this, it has much more of a monologue/ stream-of-consciouss feel to it than it did before and that's working well for you.
Specific Advice
1. When writing dramatically, try not to have surplus words. For example:
If you cut those last two words, this line flows much better.
2. Description is your friend:
I don't think 'gigantic scream' works. There isn't much to go off and it doesn't tell us anything about the character or... well it's just a bit boring. Here's a quick example of how you could make it more interesting by using extra description:
A bullet skims my head and I hold in a scream, a scream that would fill the bottomless ocean or cut through the strongest vacuum. I can feel it welling in my throat like a bubblegum balloon but nobody's going to pop it. Nobody's going to find me.
3.
Draw this part out a little longer. Show us how long that determination spans for before she's got to stop. You're undermining your own words when you contrdict yourself in the very next sentence.
Well that's all I have for now, but let me know if there's anything else you'd like me to take a look at,
Heather xxx
Nice start, but I think it could use a little more description. Like what the warehouse looked like and what the voices sounded like (i.e. did the voices sound rough and deep or frantic and rushed?).
Thanks! It was just an idea I am working on! Thanks for commenting on it!