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E - Everyone

I don't know

by DawnLight31


“I have a normal life i thought” as I laid in my bed and stared at my white ceiling plain with a few cracks I sat up on my bed I looked around my room it was the smaller room like the rest of my apartment, covered in posters of webcomics, video games and TV shows.My phone rang the ringtone of me and my friend the singing our favorite theme song in japanese. She texted

"I'm coming to your house now."

I couldn't respond I already heard her coming into my house she open the door my room ran over to me and screamed shut up and watch this

“When I was a child I loved the world of the world of fantasy but always despised the border of reality and fiction my mission is, my company is looking for young volunteers for our latest project the volunteers will be given a quiz to determine which animal they are most alike, when the animal is chosen they will have their DNA combined with their chosen animal counterpart and will be given an attribute from their chosen animal”

“Oh my God” I said “we have to go do that now I know right okay”

“ I got all my stuff ready, and I sort of thought through everything that you're going to need so get ready now go get dressed I'm going to go make some breakfast to go for the both of us all right”

“Okay, you seen really prepared for this.”

a few minutes later I walked out of my room fully dressed in the normal my normal clothes so I just like fancy or touch. I wore skirt, I usually don't wear skirts they just seems less practical i also wore my favorite shirts it said nope on it. Tord already had breakfast in some bags

“it's spring! You should get a jacket or something”

I got my favorite coat before we left I asked

“Wait where are we supposed to be going anyways”

I got the directions on my phone

wow you really are prepared for this.”

“still we should start going are you ready.”yeah oh wait hold on I just got to grab some stuff.”

“all right”

I shuffled through a box at the side of my bed and looking for something I haven't seen in awhile, I got one of my old sketchbooks looked in it and ripped out a paper it was a picture of me as a wolf.

“hey are you coming”

“okay I'm coming” I picked up my Sketchbook my most recent one that I'm still using got a few pencils and stuff I threw off my normal Galaxy beanie and grab my nice fancy undertale beanie will Sans on it, it paired well with pixie cut.

“Hey you want to listen to some show tunes while We are in the car.”

“Heck yeah is that question you even need to ask lets go”

“ what you think Is it a be more chill, Hamilton, dear Evan Hansen, kind of day well.” “either way let's go yeah we should just take a taxi or ,wait to see how far away it is Matt “should be off and work in like 10-15 minutes we should go get her”

“And her car!”

“Hey, so what do you up your animal will be”

“oh maybe a cat or I don't really know I'm just excited too excited to think oh the also deamon DNA.”

“you too excited to think now that my friend is a rare occasion, but deamon thats so coo!l”

"but wait there extinct."

"yeah thats whats so cool about it.I dont know how they got the DNA but still."

A few minutes later we get to to the subway station we see Matt just leaving her station

“hey Matt Matt Matt”

“oh hey I didn't see you so did you see the.”

“shut up you're probably talking about the same thing but do you see the text I sent you.”

“yep and that's what I'm talking about.”

“oh my God I'm so excited I'm sooooooo excited.”

“Hey so can we use your car.”

“Yeah you got to get your own cars.”

“Thanks matt you da best”

“Was that intentional”

I start to play the gravityfalls theme with my phone

“Oh my god why! I just read the saddest fanfic about that.”

She starts to cry like a true fangirl

“How bout I drive.”

“*sob* thanks *sob*”

We drive for about 20 minutes, when we finally get there, we already sang some dear even hason, be more chill,and book of mormon.

“We’re here!”


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10 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 10

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Sun Dec 03, 2017 5:41 am
Shootingmoons wrote a review...



Hi!

(^was that awkward?)

This review is more grammar-related then plot, so let's jump in I guess.

First of all, I just want to point out that the capitalization isn't the best. Just remember that you ALWAYS capitalize at the beginning of a sentence. For example, most of your lines of dialogue did not start off with capitalized words. Keep that in mind when writing ;)

Second, in the introduction, I noticed some run on sentences:

"I couldn't respond I already heard her coming into my house she open the door my room ran over to me and screamed shut up and watch this." -aaannnd breath! It's important to know when to add a comma, semi-colon, or period in a sentence. Once you're done completing a thought, with a subject and verb, you can end the sentence with a period. It's also important to add commas, if you don't want to finish a sentence, but need to take a pause.

Last, I want to point out the way to described your character's actions.

For example: “*sob* thanks *sob*”

When writing a line of dialogue with action you need to lay it in a more balanced way. Instead of using the verb 'sob' in asterisks, describe the action after the line as been said.

For example: "Thanks," she sniffed, letting out sobs as she spoke.

And, that's it. Other than that, it's a great story, and I'd love to see more writing from you!

Remember, practice makes perfect, and keep on writing :)




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Reviews: 10

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Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:53 pm
Trashcan wrote a review...



Hello. :) I'm bad at introductions so let's jump right in.
First off, I actually really like the concept of this story, it's very interesting to me. I'm curious to see how the character's little adventure will turn out.
Secondly, your grammar, punctuation, and capitalization are not the best. I recommend Grammarly, a free real-time correction program that suggests correction as you're writing. It'll help you a lot with the thing you seem to struggle with most.
Third, this is kind of a minor thing, just a suggestion really. I would think they would need to be a certain age to try out for this program. I'm going to assume they're no older than 20 since that's how they act. It kind of seems like this experiment could be potentially dangerous for young fragile bodies such as their's.
That's all! I hope you'll keep writing with these reviews in mind. I'm interested in seeing how this story plays out.




DawnLight31 says...


thanks and i use a school provided laptop so i cant get Grammarly



Trashcan says...


Aw, that's a shame. Maybe have a friend or teacher proofread it first then, preferably an English teacher.



DawnLight31 says...


nah my teachers dont like me



Trashcan says...


Hmm... Do you have a computer at home? If so I'd use that to write instead, maybe have a parent proofreader it.



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364 Reviews


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Fri Nov 17, 2017 2:35 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello DawnLight31! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

So, since I was challenged by @Sheytato to do a different type of reviewing, I will go sentence by sentence. If I have any problems I will change them. Suggestions will be explained and grammatical issues marked with red.

“I have a normal life," I thought as I laid in my bed and stared at my white ceiling plain with a few cracks in it. I sat up on my bed I looked around my room. It was a smaller room like the rest of my apartment, covered in posters of webcomics, video games and TV shows.


If you own an apartment, you wouldn't really have those kinds of posters around. That is a very teenager-ish thing to do and I'm assuming this character is adult, right?

Also, "I have a normal life" is the WORST way to conceive foreshadowing. NO ONE in ANY book has a normal life, except for the really boring ones. I would suggest to remove this, or make it less obvious.

My phone rang the ringtone of me and my friend the singing our favorite theme song in Japanese. She texted: "I'm coming to your house now."


1. Who is the "she" in this sentence - "She texted?"

2. Again, this seems very teenager like.

3. Just a suggestion, but I would italicize the text.

I couldn't respond. I already heard her coming into my house. She opened the door my room], ran over to me and screamed" Shut up and watch this!

“When I was a child I loved the world of the world of fantasy but always despised the border of reality and fiction my mission is, but my company is looking for young volunteers for our latest project! The volunteers will be given a quiz to determine which animal they are most alike, when the animal is chosen they will have their DNA combined with their chosen animal counterpart and will be given an attribute from their chosen animal.


First of all, this is very similar to James Patterson's Maximum Ride, where several people are given bird DNA. Second, I would keep this a mystery until a few chapters in. It speeds up the pace way too much.

“Oh my God,” I said. "We have to go do that now, I know right okay?


I would be a lot more hesitant about this experiment. This hasn't been tried before, right? I wouldn't want to try a prototype.

I've got all my stuff ready, and I sort of thought through everything that you're going to need, so get ready now go get dressed - I'm going to go make some breakfast to go for the both of us, all right?

“Okay, you seen really prepared for this.”

A few minutes later I walked out of my room fully dressed in the normal my normal clothes so I just like fancy or touch. I wore a skirt, I usually don't wear skirts they just seems less practical II also wore my one of my favorite shirts it said nope on it. Tord already had breakfast in some bags.


Wait, Tord? Where did Tord come from? Oh, this other friend is ME, okay! However, Tord is a copyright name of Eddsworld (well, not really, but it's pretty obvious what this is from). So use Kara or Tori instead. Also, that friend does not sound like me haha.

It's spring! You should get a jacket or something.

I got my favorite coat. Before we left I asked: “Wait, where are we supposed to be going anyways?"

I got the directions on my phone.

"Wow, you really are prepared for this.”

Still, we should start going. Are you ready?

"Yeah. Oh wait, hold on, I just have got to grab some stuff.”

All right.


Wait, who is saying: “Wait where are we supposed to be going anyways?” I couldn't figure it out. Also, how did you get the directions of the place you weren't sure you were going on your phone...?

I shuffled through a box at the side of my bed and looking for something I haven't seen in awhile. I got one of my old sketchbooks looked in it and ripped out a paper. It was a picture of me as a wolf.

Hey, are you coming.

Okay, I'm coming.” I picked up my sketchbook my most recent one that I'm still using got a few pencils and stuff .I threw off my normal Galaxy beanie and grab my nice fancy Undertale beanie with Sans on it. It paired well with my pixie cut.

“Hey, do you want to listen to some show tunes while we are in the car?"

“Heck yeah! Is that question you even need to ask? Let'sgo.

What you think it should be? Be more chill, Hamilton, or Dear Evan Hansen, kind of day well.?

“Either way, let's go."

"Yeah, we should just take a taxi or wait to see how far away it is, Matt."

"It should be off and work in like 10-15 minutes. We should go get her.”


First off, great description. Second off, who is Matt? I thought that the other girl was Tord. Also, it's really confusing as to who is talking in this section. Put a few tag sentences.

“And her car!”

“Hey, so what do you up your animal will be?

Oh, maybe a cat, but I don't really know. I'm just excited too excited to think. Oh, there's also demon DNA.”

You too excited to think? Now that, my friend, is a rare occasion, but a demon? That'sso coo!”

"But wait, they're extinct."

"Yeah, that's what's so cool about it. I don't know how they got the DNA, but still."

A few minutes later, we got to to the subway station. We see Matt just leaving her station.

Hey, Matt, Matt, Matt!

Oh, hey, I didn't see you! So did you see that?

Shut up! You're probably talking about the same thing. but do you see the text I sent you


Oh, I know who Matt is now. Is this @UndertaleGirl0324? Because I'm pretty sure that it is. She's the one who we call Matt, after all :wink: Also, I would use Matilda instead of Matt because Matt is a male name.

OOOOOOOO DEMONS THAT GOT MY ATTENTION was I saying the demons thing?

Yep! That's what I'm talking about.”

Oh my God! I'm so excited I'm sooooooo excited.”

“Hey, so, can we use your car?

“Yeah, you got to get your own cars.”

“Thanks Matt! You are the best!

“Was that intentional?

I start to play the Gravity Falls theme song on my phone.

“Oh my God, why? I just read the saddest fanfic about that.”

She starts to cry like a true fangirl.

“How 'bout I drive.”

"Thanks," she sobbed.


Who is speaking in most of these dialogue? I can't tell. Also, I thought that they were in a subway station, not a car. Make them walk to the car or something.

Besides, if Matt said "no" to them taking her car, then how are they taking her car?

We drive for about 20 minutes. When we finally got there, we had already sang some Dear Even Hanson, Be More Chill, and Book of Mormon.

“We’re here!”


Yes Book of Mormon is my air.

Anyways, these people don't sound like typical adults that have a job, an apartment, etc. They sound like teenage fangirls which is what we are.

Overall:



I like the idea, but your grammar is atrocious. Type this up on Google Docs and share it with me - I'll be able to edit before you post it. Another option is providing me with an outline for every chapter and I write it. I am good at writing in general according to everyone else so I'll be able to give you your own example and we can co-write and stuff. Keep up the good work. :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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DawnLight31 says...


ive never heard of James Patterson's Maximum Ride but k



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Sat Nov 04, 2017 3:06 pm
wordwing wrote a review...



Hello @DawnLight31! I am here for a review.

First of all, you seem to have grammar problems.
Don't worry though, as it is nothing that can not be fixed. In fact, I have the same problem. I recommend checking out the grammar forums in YWS. So, let me point out the mistakes:

1."I have a normal life I thought" should be " I have a normal life," I thought, as I laid...(You might wanna re- write this sentence, as it is a bit sloppy.) " is only for talking, if your character is only thinking of something and not saying it, don't use ".

2. run on sentences, LACK OF PERIODS AND COMMAS

3. The sentence "I looked around my room it was the smaller room just like the rest of my apartment...(This sentence contradicts itself, it can not be a smaller room if it is of the same size as other rooms, smaller than what exactly?) Should go like this: "I looked around my room. It was a small room, just like the rest of my apartment."

3. After every sentence, divide the other sentence from it by pressing space on your keyboard.

4. unnecessary words:
"My phone rang the ringtone of me and my friend the singing our favourite theme song in japanese. She texted me.

5. using " when it isn't needed

6. not always using initial letters when it is needed

7.shifting between past and present


My advice for you is:
Slow down. Think twice before you write. I know that you are probably super excited and want others to see your enthusiasm, but it is usually better to take more time and make your story better. Nothing to be ashamed of. Especially if English isn't your first language, like me for example. I have edited my works a lot, and they still probably need editing. You also lost me a bit with the plot, it happens to me too. I sometimes just jumble a bunch of information all at once. Try to introduce your readers to the story gradually. If you need more help, I recommend @DemonGoddess.
She has a review forum, and is a REVIEW BEAST.
I think she could help you in more detail.
Stay positive,

Wordwing




DawnLight31 says...


thanks but i suck at inglish even tho its my first languag ang im alredy folowing @DemonGoddes. but thanks



wordwing says...


No problem! Tag me when you write the second chapter.



DawnLight31 says...


k



zaminami says...


You called?

Also I introduced Dawn to the website so yeah, I do know her. I call a review.



wordwing says...


Ok:)




Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca