Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
My tiredness causes me to feel weary, a sense of not being alive. I don't remember if there was ever a time where I did feel alive, and if there was a time, what it was like
He keeps his liquor on the top shelf
A week later, he invites me over
Every bottle of heavy alcohol is vacant with a place still cleared for where it once sat.
He is in his room,
I haven't seen him for a couple of hours
I wonder if he is drinking away his pain
I wonder
If the company of my depressed little brother and i
Is not enough to remind him
Not to take another sip
It is not that I don't want to be my father's daughter
It is that I am afraid to be.
I was taught to trust my instincts and that is how I know you are lying
We fell apart, quickly, and painfully. I knew it would happen eventually, I just didn't expect it to be so suddenly, or so fast.
The ceiling is so high, i feel disconnected from humanity.
Hands are my favourite thing to draw, they are the result of my pain. They are the art of doing and the power that can't be undone. I can still feel my mother's hands gripped around my neck. I can still feel the fist to my gut, the push on my shoulders, the grab on my wrist, the pull on my hair, the hands throwing me across the room, the hands feeling me purely for pleasure. I can still feel every hand that abused me. People wonder why i don't like physical contact. I don't want their hands to hurt me too.
I have been mentally abused
Physically abused
Sexually abused
The abused
And the abuser.
This trauma has made me angry
Not at the abusive
But at myself.
Trauma that made me feel worthless
To the point where i abused myself too
To the point where i scarred my skin
Faintly
But still scarred.
To the point where I hospitalized myself
Not fatal
But still hospitalized.
Pain is NOT beautiful.
But I have the power
To turn it into something
That is.
Mother,
You were created with hands
So you could spin
The gold from your heart
So why can i still feel them
With rage around my neck?
They could both feel it, two young inspired minds filling an empty room with their potential. It was exhilarating, powerful, something beautiful, something beyond the washed out life they were living. For the first time, they saw the world with a profound perspective and their eyes shone so bright that for the first time, the world finally saw them.
I was born 17 years ago, but today, I have finally come alive.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Davwilson! Scythe here to do a quick review
I liked the concept behind this work, it was so dark and twisted. However, there were quite a few issues. The layout for this does not fit as a poem, more like a short story. You actually seemed to mix both styles together and it was really awkward to read. Not only that, but for a poem, there were far too many ideas floating around in this.
I would suggest shortening it down to suite the poem style. I'll give an example/suggestion:
This is just a small extract from the work that I decided to change. I hope this gives you an idea on what is expected! Good work.
Keep writing!
- ScytheMeister
Hey,Davwilson!!Lily here for a review. Hopped in after readiing your post on Writer's Ed.
At first I have to say this is such a touching piece,to be more precise 'heartwrenching' poem!!
I could feel the pain in every word so clearly written. The part where you described 'bout hands was amazing.,..(sad though).
There's not much to say 'bout the words or your descriptions.But I'd surely wan to convey a point. I personally think the sentences should have been short,since it's a poem....or you could use the same sentences but break them into parts and arrange them into a format...because format is essential to attract readers.
"My tiredness causes me to feel weary, a sense of not being alive. I don't remember if there was ever a time where I did feel alive, and if there was a time, what it was like"
I think using the word 'exhaustion' instead of tiredness could create a stronger impact of feeling dead within.Anyways...thats upto you.
Imma break these long sentences into a para...it could go something like this...
My exhaustion causes me to feel weary,
A sense of not being alive.
I don't remember if there was ever a time I did feel alive,
And if there was a time,what was it like.
But I know doing that would just make the poem very lengthy. But I think that would be better than writing in paras you know.
"To the point where i scarred my skin
Faintly
But still scarred.
To the point where I hospitalized myself
Not fatal
But still hospitalized."
I love this part,....I don really know why but I seriously did like the way it was written. And hey I think you can use the word 'trivial' instead of 'not fatal' since 'faintly' used in the before line is just one word...so if you'd want you can make this into a single word like 'trivial' or you could use something better.Again that's upto you....you could stick with this too....it's good afterall.
"Pain is NOT beautiful."
The capitalized NOT gives a sense of stressing on the fact that pain isn't beautiful. Good Job there...
"They could both feel it, two young inspired minds filling an empty room with their potential. It was exhilarating, powerful, something beautiful, something beyond the washed out life they were living. For the first time, they saw the world with a profound perspective and their eyes shone so bright that for the first time, the world finally saw them."
Umm..I didn't get this part. Who were the two young inspired minds mentioned here?
Rest all is amazing! Great Job!! I really love the way to vent out feelings. It makes the readers live in it for a while.
Keep Posting!! Would love to have more of your talent.Hope my review was of help.
-Lily^_^
Thank you so much, I really appreciate this and you gave me some very good feedback!
Your welcome bud!:)
Your welcome bud!:)