Young Writers Society

Hey, Davwilson! Scythe here to do a quick review

I liked the concept behind this work, it was so dark and twisted. However, there were quite a few issues. The layout for this does not fit as a poem, more like a short story. You actually seemed to mix both styles together and it was really awkward to read. Not only that, but for a poem, there were far too many ideas floating around in this.

I would suggest shortening it down to suite the poem style. I'll give an example/suggestion:

I am not alive;
My tiredness makes me weary
And truth be told,
I don't know if there even was a time
Where I ever felt alive.

It was him;
He ruined my sleep,
Always keeping his liquor at arms length.

Hey,Davwilson!!Lily here for a review. Hopped in after readiing your post on Writer's Ed.
At first I have to say this is such a touching piece,to be more precise 'heartwrenching' poem!!
I could feel the pain in every word so clearly written. The part where you described 'bout hands was amazing.,..(sad though).
There's not much to say 'bout the words or your descriptions.But I'd surely wan to convey a point. I personally think the sentences should have been short,since it's a poem....or you could use the same sentences but break them into parts and arrange them into a format...because format is essential to attract readers.

"My tiredness causes me to feel weary, a sense of not being alive. I don't remember if there was ever a time where I did feel alive, and if there was a time, what it was like"

I think using the word 'exhaustion' instead of tiredness could create a stronger impact of feeling dead within.Anyways...thats upto you.
Imma break these long sentences into a para...it could go something like this...

My exhaustion causes me to feel weary,
A sense of not being alive.
I don't remember if there was ever a time I did feel alive,
And if there was a time,what was it like.

But I know doing that would just make the poem very lengthy. But I think that would be better than writing in paras you know.

"To the point where i scarred my skin
Faintly
But still scarred.
To the point where I hospitalized myself
Not fatal
But still hospitalized."

I love this part,....I don really know why but I seriously did like the way it was written. And hey I think you can use the word 'trivial' instead of 'not fatal' since 'faintly' used in the before line is just one word...so if you'd want you can make this into a single word like 'trivial' or you could use something better.Again that's upto you....you could stick with this too....it's good afterall.

"Pain is NOT beautiful."
The capitalized NOT gives a sense of stressing on the fact that pain isn't beautiful. Good Job there...

"They could both feel it, two young inspired minds filling an empty room with their potential. It was exhilarating, powerful, something beautiful, something beyond the washed out life they were living. For the first time, they saw the world with a profound perspective and their eyes shone so bright that for the first time, the world finally saw them."
Umm..I didn't get this part. Who were the two young inspired minds mentioned here?

Rest all is amazing! Great Job!! I really love the way to vent out feelings. It makes the readers live in it for a while.

Keep Posting!! Would love to have more of your talent.Hope my review was of help.

-Lily^_^