Her

Me, My love, my mind, my effort, is a one of a kind. Given to you for your beauty and hypnotizing ways. With a simple kiss to the lips... you put me in a trance. A spell no wizard can reverse. A spell with a powerful and fearful grip upon me. I am a slave to the words that gently stream out your beautiful and dangerous lips. With a quick glance I am subdued by the power of your beauty. A slave to your every bidding. A slave wanting to escape this beautiful women's grip. I am under a trance, I cannot escape.

Comments

Points: 60
Reviews: 28

Donate

Tue Sep 22, 2015 10:59 pm

Hippyhoodrat wrote a review...

Romance..MY FAVORITE!! Haha..I enjoyed the poem. I think by just making a little longer, it will really add to the feeling that you really love this person because your going on and on about all of their amazing qualities and your undying love for her.
Maybe change "stream oiur your beautiful" to "stream out of your beautiful."
And I think you could take out the and between beautiful and dangerous, may make that line flow a little better. "Hypnotizing" can be changed to "hypnotic." Nice poem...I wrote romance too so I'd really love a review from you.

Points: 221
Reviews: 127

Donate

Mon Sep 14, 2015 1:55 am

Konijn says...

This is a very sweet poem! Keep writing!

Davidcorrea49 says...

Thanks!

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

Donate

Mon Sep 14, 2015 1:42 am

ChocolateCello wrote a review...

Hey! Cello here! Welcome to the site!

This was really nicely written. Very descriptive, very enticing.

A few minor errors throughout though.

Me, My love, my mind, my effort, is a one of a kind. Given to you for your beauty and hypnotizing ways.

'My' shouldn't be capitalized and 'is a one of a kind' should be 'is one of a kind'. Additionally, these sentences could be nice as one big sentence. "Is one of a kind, given to you". It flows nicely and sounds a lot better in my opinion.

With a simple kiss to the lips... you put me in a trance

The ellipsis should be a comma.

A slave wanting to escape this beautiful women's grip.

Okay, so this is grammatically correct but I'm moving to content editing. 'beautiful woman' sounds like the speaker is more attracted to the subjects body but when they say 'Given to you for your beauty' sounds more like over all love and attraction. I don't know, this is just my opinion, but I would change 'beautiful woman' to something more like 'elegant woman', 'beautiful queen' or even something related to the magical aspect saying something like 'beautiful enchantress'.

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello

Davidcorrea49 says...

Thanks for the feedback

Points: 5966
Reviews: 498

Donate

Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:34 pm

Que wrote a review...

Hello David!
Welcome to YWS. This is a nice poem, and I'm glad that it means something to you, but it's not what I'd think of as a usual poem. You may want to divide it up into lines, and it doesn't have to be a sentence. I often group lines by what thought they are a part of, and some words get their own line if they are very significant. (If you want more tips about line separation or anything else along with this or poetry, just PM me and I'd be happy to help you out! )

Some of your punctuation here seems a little off, and some of it may not be necessary if you choose to divide these into lines. I'll just give you some examples here:

With a simple kiss to the lips... you put me in a trance.

You probably just need a comma here rather than ellipses.

A spell no wizard can reverse. A spell with a powerful and fearful grip upon me.

You could use a comma rather than a period here as well.

I am a slave to the words that gently stream out your beautiful and dangerous lips.

This is one of the most beautiful parts of your poem, but I think you need to include "from" or "of" in this- "gently stream out from/of your beautiful and dangerous lips."

You use slave quite a lot, and you may want to change it out occasionally, or at least have the word appear at more regular intervals for repetition.

A slave wanting to escape this beautiful women's grip.

It should be "woman's" here. ^-^

I am under a trance, I cannot escape.

This is pretty much using the same words you have been throughout. You may want to change it up, making it a powerful ending, standing out from the rest.

All in all, it's pretty good, but we as readers are only getting what the narrator thinks of this girl: He is under her spell, he feels trapped, and wants to escape somewhat. What I, as a reader, want to know if more about the woman: What does she do? Does she know what she is doing to the narrator? What other feelings does the narrator feel about her? Did he used to feel differently? Pretty much, you are repeating the same thing throughout the poem. Perhaps disperse it with a little bit of something else. It's still a pretty good poem, but I just had some suggestions to make it better.

Keep writing!

-Falco

Points: 15167
Reviews: 175

Donate

Sun Sep 13, 2015 9:31 pm

Harker wrote a review...

Hey there, David! IronSpark here for a quick review. Now, I think this is a beautiful piece. I just want you to think about two things next time you sit down at your desk (or wherever you sit down) to write.

1) Cadence.

You /do/ have a cadence here, but it isn't a very strong one. By the middle of the piece, you have what feels like a clump of syllables:

A spell no wizard can reverse. A spell with a powerful and fearful grip upon me. I am a slave to the words that gently stream out your beautiful and dangerous lips. With a quick glance I am subdued by the power of your beauty.

All of these words feel like they should be powerful, and they are, but because they are all powerful, they are all less powerful. D'you get my drift? I'd like to see you build up more to the more poignant sentences in the piece. A good writer makes the reader want to climb the mountain (of words), so they can see what's at the top. Here, we're forced to climb the mountain again and again, and it's taking away from your beautiful ideas, writing, and metaphors. Remember, the journey is just as important as the end, David!

Lots of writers have trouble with this, though, and you're definitely not alone. An easy remedy to this is to read your piece out loud. Do you find yourself over-emphasizing? If so, then your reader may hear it, too. Get a second opinion from a friend/family member on the piece, or turn to one of us YWSers. I think you'll find we're pretty helpful at pinpointing these areas! Anyway, we should go onto the second idea.

2) Vocabulary and abstractions.

This is a good piece, but I feel like it could be stronger if you were more specific--or at least removed some of these abstract concepts. For instance, your first line was "Me, My love, my mind, my effort, is a one of a kind." I like the idea, but it fell a bit... flat for me. And the reason why it was so flat was because the concepts you mentioned ("me", "love", "mind", and "effort") were so overused in such an abstract way. Your readers need to be able to connect with you as a narrator, but if your ideas are too disconnected and general, you create a gap that can't be bridged with more words. So what can you use instead? Well, for one: I know you're great at making metaphors! Show us more of those! And give your readers credit with them. We can figure it out for ourselves what you mean. For example: don't say "your lips are red as apples", try something like "your lips are sweet apples". That way, you're giving us not only a vision of bright red lips, but also a taste: apples.

That being said, this is an excellent piece. I wouldn't revise it: just keep in mind my two points above, and you should succeed!

IronSpark

Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

Donate

Sun Sep 13, 2015 6:35 pm

Steggy wrote a review...

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

Welcome to YWS! I liked this poem and can tell it came from the heart- most poems cannot have that feel to describe a love for a loved one. However, I feel like the formatting of this poem is odd- it seems to be in a structure instead of stanza and that could be done by just pressing SHIFT and ENTER at the same time.

A spell no wizard can reverse. A spell with a powerful and fearful grip upon me.

This little sentence seems redundant since you say 'spell' twice. I would suggest trying to reword it better as A spell no wizard could reverse
With a powerful yet fearful grip upon me since it flows easily and easier to read

With a simple kiss to the lips... you put me in a trance.

Remove the three dots and put a comma instead.

Me, My love, my mind, my effort, is a one of a kind.

This seems like a listing but there are some comma splices. Try Me and my love, my mind and my effect-
one of a kind .

I am a slave to the words that gently stream out your beautiful and dangerous lips. With a quick glance I am subdued by the power of your beauty. A slave to your every bidding. A slave wanting to escape this beautiful women's grip. I am under a trance, I cannot escape.

Few nitpicks I like to point out in here:

You use slave twice in the same paragraph and that seems to bring the poem down. However you could use it as a metaphor for the love but to me, I would do something like A slave to your every bidding
wanting to escape this beautiful women's grip or something similar.
Also a suggestion that you don't have to take but 'beautiful and dangerous lips' could be 'beautiful yet dangerous lips'

I did like this poem. Shows the emotion and could tell it did come from the hearts. Good job on the first work and hope to see more from you! If you want me to explain something better, let me know!

Steggy

Davidcorrea49 says...

Thanks for the support and feedback! It will only make me a better writer

Steggy says...

You're most welcome!

Young Writers Society

Her

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources