Hello DavidFeelsterWallace,
First, I'd like to say welcome to YWS.
Next, time to get into the review. So starting out I wasn't quite sure what this was going to be about, considering my initial reaction was to disagree. It felt like a very outright demanding thing to say because of how you set it up. With the list set up of the poem, and the numbering I felt out of place at best. For me, this wasn't a necessary element to the poem, but something that was interesting when it was all added up.
When I first read the poem my initial reaction was that it would take too much time to bother puzzling out. It's cryptic, and repetitive, but I actually really liked the message by the end of the poem, or at least the message I got from it. Because it's cryptic, I feel like you're aware you're not going to get much of a say in what it actually means, so I'll say what I felt it meant to me. For me, this was a poem about how fully the writer controls the audiences world, and just as this world is created by this poem, a different world is created by other poems and those are completely from the creation of the writer.
With that said, I don't really understand the lines starting with "1.2" or "1.21" because before that we have nothing sexual at all in the poem and it follows through with a very clear strand of ideas that can support one another in a proof system. If "your world is all that is mine" than "your world is the totality of my mind, not yours." and if "your world is the totality of my mind, not yours" than "your world is determined by all that is mine and by this being mine." this can all be accepted through suspension of disbelief as we build upon the ideas in this non-poetic language that is has too many words and is too demanding. We can follow that. It's all pretty uniform.
Then we get down to 1.2, and I can see that you're using a different counting system, which I like, but it's a bit lost because of how short the poem is. Anyway, back on track, we get to 1.2 and suddenly we're introducing something that hasn't been a part of this world, an outside concept of body, of a highly charged words, and nothing to back them up or tell us what your world is supposed to be with this. There's no real direction for us to take the statements and it's such a leap from the last line that it feels out of place.
All in all, I'd say the poem is what it is, and improving it for my message would differ from improving it for anyone else's message. It is too abstract to have a consistent message between multiple people due to connotation variances, culture, and reading habits. Thus, there's not much I can say, and perhaps that's why you shared this one instead of something else.
I'd encourage you to use YWS as you would a writing class. Bring things here that you'd like opinions on and feedback. Perhaps even share work here that you would like to know how to make better for a specific message. Seeing as this is the first poem you've submitted, and you're still a new member, I hope to see you continue to actively review and read work from other people, while coming up with something a bit more concrete and exploratory of the physical world even if it is a metaphor for something more psychological.
For me the best poems are the ones that leave an impression, and an image poking around in my head for days. This falls short of that because it's angling for something else, and it's not my favorite type of poetry, but I bet you someone out there really likes this type too. I can't wait to see what else you have.
-Aley
Points: 1883
Reviews: 806
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