Published August 14, 2011
Without an end, I continue circling,
With nothing left but my hate, and a paralyzing agony.
Slowly I forget, and my heart starts vanishing.
Suddenly I see that I won't break free.
I'm slipping through the cracks of a dark eternity,
With nothing but my pain and this paralyzing agony to tell me who I am,
Who I was; uncertainty enveloping my mind until I can't break free.
Is what I'm seeing just a dream? Maybe nothing around me is real.
And it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel.
I'm tired of all the pain, of the misery inside,
I wish that I could live feeling nothing but the night.
You can tell me what to say; you can tell me where to go.
But I wouldn't even care, and my heart would never know.
If I make another move there will be no more turning back,
Because everything will change, I'll fade all of it to black.
Will tomorrow ever come? Will I make it through the night?
Will there ever be a place for the broken in the light?
Can I take another step? I've done everything I can,
All the people that I see I will never understand.
If I find a way to change, if I step into the light,
Then I'll never be the same, I'll turn everything to white.
If I make another move, if I take another step,
Then it all would fall apart. There'd be a hole without a heart.
It doesn't matter if I'm here, if I'm crying in the night,
Will there ever be a way? Will my heart return to white?
Can you tell me who you are? Can you tell me where I am?
I've forgotten how to see; I've forgotten if I can.
If I open up my eyes there’ll be no more going back,
I would simply watch and laugh as you all would fade to black!
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
Before anything, the first time I read this, I had no clue what the point was. It felt like your ideas were jumbled and rather unclear. Also, stanza breaks would help, as it is overwhelming to see this huge block of letters, especially since the lines are all so long. Now, I will read it again, and pay more attention, and hopefully this time it will all be perfectly clear.
So, now it made more sense, and I really liked this. It is a sad poem, but hopeful at the same time. If that makes sense. It had a lot of emotion, which is good. Just, make sure you don't add too much to the poem or it gets confusing. All in all, great job.
It's obvious that this was written with a lot of pain in mind, the kind of pain that most everyone is familiar with. I think your choice of language was very beautiful, and I really enjoyed reading it. However there are just a few things I'd like to comment on. The first half of the piece was harder to follow than the second half. It seemed like halfway through you really got in your groove and it started rhyming, so it was easier to read. I'd suggest going back and maybe rewriting the first half of the piece. The idea and the pain behind it is very good and very real, but I think you could make it flow better to make the overall piece more effective. All in all though, very touching. Keep writing!