Rice Crispies

DarthKay wrote:Okay, this isn't too good. I wrote it a couple years ago for school and then lost it... and then found it again Glad you found it!
Please tell me what you think... Thanks!

Crunchy, crispy, hence their name
Snap, crackle, pop! They all exclaim
The scrumptious smell of milk and honey
Perfect texture, not too runny YUM!
Round and round the bowl they float
Each like a little fishing boat
And crunch, between your teeth it goes
It sends a tingle up your nose I haven't experienced that. LOL
Tastes like, smells like, looks delicious
Give it a try... don't be suspicious!

Hmmm I like your second Idea better

That's fun! Now I'm in the mood for rice crispies. * Raids the kitchen and comes back with a box* Okay, so enjoyed it a lot!

DarthKay wrote:Crunchy, crispy, hence their name
Snap, crackle, pop! They all exclaim

DarthKay wrote:Not only that... it's also nutritious!

OR

Give it a try... don't be suspicious!

ahahahaha!! Nice one. Whats your motivation in writing this kind of cute, little, funny poem??? ahahahaha... It really sucks my brain. However, you might need some polishes in it. Inconsistencies are your problem, so be notified about that. And I see a big transition of emotion here. From funny to a more serious type... Hmmm... It creeps me out... Anyways, I like it..

I LOVE this!! You could write children's books easily. I really enjoyed it and cracked up almost the whole time. I like the 'not too runny' because at first it may sound like it was a forced rhyme and doesn't really make sense but when you think about it it totally does! Rice Crispies are awesome and so are you!!!

This poem is very cute and i enjoyed reading it.
I love your profile picture by the way, i too - am a star wars fan.

Ok so this is my first time reviewing so I will try my best.

I think your poem is funny and quirky. I love the fact that even with a simple topic you can engage the reader and make it interesting.
The part that says "and sends a tingle up your nose" makes me think about when you drink carbonated beverages and you can feel the fizz in the back of my throught.
Overall I thought your poem was great and cant wait to read your next poem!
Keep writing!
Bluebird24

Oh thanks so much you guys!

On that last line I pictured a bunch of kids sitting at a table with fake smiles and plastered on make-up.

This was a really sweet poem. I actually liked the last line because I thought it was funny. I didn't know if you were trying to be serious or making fun of the commonly quoted slogan (that's what I took it as being). Anyway good job and nice use of onomatopoeia.

Cute, funny, I like it all...EXCEPT the last line. That's just where it kind of turns commercial; suddenly I picture this on one of those cheesy TV ads or something. It's all so light-hearted and enjoyable, and the last line kinda takes away from that in my opinion.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Cute.

You've got a nice rhythm going and some smooth rhymes. Honestly, executed better than many serious poems around here.

Just some suggestions:
Last line: take out or change the "also". It throws off the beat. You've got a nice up-down beat throughout. To keep the beat, we would read the last line as:
not ONly THAT...it's ALso NUtriTIOUS (down, up, down, up, down, up, etc)

But because of the way we naturally say the words, we end up saying:

not ONly THAT...it's ALso nuTRItious (down up, down, up, down, up, DOWN, DOWN, up, down)
(because the stress in nutritious is in the middle syllable), which throws off the beat.

I only get this technical, because the rest of the poem, whether you meant it or not, is near pitch perfect.

So cute and secretly technically appealing! (not only that...nutritious, too!)

I actually really like this! It flows nicely and all the rhymes work together. You stayed on track and described them really well for your audience. (I'm assuming that is someone who had had Rice Crispies.

DarthKay wrote:Crunchy, crispy, hence their name
Snap, crackle, pop! They all exclaim
The scrumptious smell of milk and honey
Perfect texture, not too runny
Round and round the bowl they float
Each like a little fishing boat This for some reason made me picture all the crispies with drawn on moving faces and arms. A bunch of kids making trouble.
And crunch, between your teeth it goes
AndI would replace And with it sends a tingle up your nose
Tastes like, smells like, looks delicious I like this line
Not only that... it's also nutritious! I love everything else in the poem, but this line made me kind of gag. First of all I don't think anyone in there right mind would think rice crispies are the most nutritious breakfast. It also made it sound like a commercial. On that last line I pictured a bunch of kids sitting at a table with fake smiles and plastered on make-up. I expected you rhyme nutritious with delicious, but what bothers me is that you didn't end with a bang. This is a fast moving poem and I want the last line to be remembered. Maybe Who cares if it's not nutritious or something.