A thousand eyes glare down upon us,
Many black beetles with legs of green.
Their opaque voices, shields of mist...
With silver webs and drops of dread.
-
I draw My sword from its sheath
But Your shield You raise up in defense.
A deadly dance of violent grace –
A light cacophony of metal
-
My flesh trembles, My mind secludes
And deep inside My chest, My heart succumbs.
I parry with words,And You attack with a song.
Amazonian Princess of a forgotten race....
-
The Peacock and The Robin,
The Tiger and The Wolf.
Worlds apart, yet the same of Heart...
Craving one another.
-
Still the black beetles glare down upon us,
Enemies of our love.
And I attack with a sword,
You parry with a shield;
Side by side we stand and fight -
The Demon and The Angel...
-
The Angel with Silver Tipped Wings....
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Excellent. I like the way you drew me into your view, your observations of life, focusing on the many who have no purpose or goals. Your descriptions painted visual pictures of emotions that the mind creates from its view of the world. Moving from your dislikes to a decision not to be a conformist, and declaring your freedom from boundaries was clear. The leap from a grounded person to the metaphorical barley on your journey was inspiring. Your willingness to stop and spread the word, tells readers that they can turn to others who have found nirvana and are willing to share, but not be deterred from their solemn vow. It was bold, it was powerful, and it sold. Thank you for sharing and keep on writing.
Hi,
I really enjoyed this poem. It's short and snappy however some verses flow better than others. When I read this, I read it in my head so the way you write it is how I'm going to read it.
(I am really trying to make sense here I hope you know what I mean)
Some verses seem shorter than others even though they are exactly the same length I seem to read some faster than others and that's because that's how you write them. It's not necessarily a bad thing just one you need to watch out for it would also help it flow better. (I hope that made sense)
Anyway I loved this poem and I loved the ending and I especially loved the line-
"A deadly dance of violent grace" Great oxymoron used there.
I hope you write more like this sorry this review is so short, I couldn't find anything wrong with this poem at all that I wrote something that probably doesn't make sense to you but makes sense to me if it doesn't make any sense just tell me and I'll try to explain it.
Anyway keep writing
especially poems like this one.
EPICnumber1
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Hi EPICnumber1.
Thanks for the review.
I totally understand what you mean when you say that even though the lines look to be different lengths, they play out the same rythm when thought/ read.
Honestly, that was part of the entire idea. To showcase the fact that the English language can be reformed to a poets needs.
Also, I have another one I do want to post, as soon as I rack up the needed points. Also, feel free to read my other works and to give your feedback, as it is totally appreciated.
~Darkthorn
I love this poem! The subject, the wording, grammar, everything! This is Fantastic! I do have a couple little things to say though.
When you say:
"My mind Secludes."
I don't believe secludes is a word, though I could be wrong.
(as you can see I'm having trouble finding things wrong with this poem, it really is that good.) Anyway, I loved the line:
"worlds apart, yet same of heart."
Also, I know that the title is the angel with silver tipped wings, but I think adding that in as the last line is out of place. I would consider adding that line to some where in the beginning.
Well that's all I have to say! Great writing!
Thanx Spaulds. I wrote this roughly four or five years ago. So there are bound to be some errors.
I will take into account the effect given off by the ending line. I think it's because of the fact that the last line should be on its own. Just thinking though. Any way, thanx for the review, much appreciated.
~Darkthorn
Your welcome! I'm always happy to help, and your suggestion for adding the last line on it's own sounds good! I think it would work. Nice writing!
Hi Spaulds, switched the closing line to its own stanza. Any thoughts?
That definitely looks better, i really like this poem!